dirty little whirlwind, i'm pinned to the heart of your swirl.
DISCLAIMER: this is a personal blog (i just want to write about my life 😭) and does not necessarily reflect the views, opinions or perspectives of my employer or church.
journaling has allowed me to breathe new life into an old goodbye,
and to promise myself not to make the same mistakes over again.
it’s always strange to look back and see things in a new way, or to notice things that i might’ve missed.
and it’s nice to take this time to mull things over and finally be able to put to words some of the things that i didn’t really know how to say before.
i was reading excerpts of old journals that i’ve kept over the last several years and i found myself cringing at the quality of my writing, but also laughing at all of the memories that would’ve otherwise completely faded away – old crushes, angsty high school episodes, weird encounters that i’d somehow entirely forgotten (like that time i totally forgot i’ve taken tennis lessons).
and i was really grateful to my former self for taking the time to write it all out so that now i can remember, because all of these memories and glimpses into my own history add so much texture to the past, and i am reminded of how much i’ve grown and how much has changed – and how much could change – in so short a time.
the last time i journaled was in may, 2015, and i haven’t been blogging regularly either, and i’m kind of kicking myself for neglecting to record what’s been going on in my life. now there are so many things that have happened and that i’ve felt that i’ll never get back, and it’s kind of a shame.
maybe i haven’t been writing because i feel like i’ve fallen into a routine, and nothing seems remarkable enough to jot down anymore. But now, reading my old journals, i know that’s not true. even the most mundane entries put a smile on my face. i love reliving the small, seemingly inconsequential details of things that once were – the fleeting emotions that i felt so strongly then, the present that i was rooted so firmly in – that was my whole life. and i love once again becoming the person who’d had the thoughts i’d written down, even if only for a moment. i become my former self, i travel back in time, and i know all of this sounds cheesy, but it’s such a potent, poignant nostalgia that i can’t even try to fully describe it without resorting to cliches. there’s just something so magical about remembering and reliving the small, would-be-forgotten things.
interestingly, i stopped journaling almost as soon as i moved to toronto, and i think it’s because i’m surrounded by people literally all of the time. i don’t really have the time or space to think, and dwell – let things stew and inspire.
now i am going to try to take some time to myself every now and again and just write. and i’m going to try to remember that it doesn’t matter whether things seems important enough or not – years and years from now, i’ll want to remember everything.
so much has happened since may, 2015, and i want to remember all of it. in five years i want to look back on who i was at this point in my life and be able to feel exactly what i’m feeling right now.
i never want to forget the things that make me who i am.
i. after one hidden thing comes to light, you begin to wonder what remains in the darkness, or what could be stowed there later. trust is what we use to peer through the shadows, never truly sure of what we’re seeing in the fog.
ii. the process of unloving is one of forgetting, or trying to forget, or trying to remember differently. destroy yourself. put yourself together and be whole again. remember it takes time.
iii. it should be enough. “i love you, you love me.” everything else should fall away into oblivion. it should be enough, but there are always consequences. life is messy, and hard. it will require patience and work.
iv. the heart is afraid because it is fragile. exposing it is dangerous but protecting it is costly. choose wisely.
v. there are a thousand different reasons to do any given thing, and we are always making choices. everything is complicated. don’t forget the nuances. strive to understand each other, but never assume you do.
vi. you will blame people for things they haven’t even done. you will nurture scorn in your suspicions. this isn’t fair. remember this. remember your own foolishness. be wary.
i wrote these over a year ago and some of these are relevant in new ways. life is so funny.
what do i need?
