it feels like this year has just flashed by.
around this time last year, i was looking forward to going to new york, exploring a new city on my own and maybe meeting some new people.
i remember one night i was in new york, paul took me to an after hours bar where alcohol flowed freely past last call and people smoked inside. i was already pretty drunk from the bar we’d been to earlier in the night, where i’d infiltrated someone’s birthday celebrations and stolen a couple of cupcakes that were just lying around (add that to the list of things i steal when i drink too much. usually it’s just other people’s drinks and surprisingly, i’ve never gotten sick from it).
at the after hours bar, i remember stopping in the hallway on the way to the bathroom and flirting with a cute boy, and then my memory goes blank and next thing i remember is waking up the next day, close to evening. i remember waking up and hoping nothing horrible had happened, but i felt pretty okay in the shelter of the warm bed. at least i’d woken up where i was supposed to, in the safety of paul’s spare room.
i missed my bus back to toronto that day, but it turns out the bus had been canceled anyway because there’d been a huge snowstorm overnight. i had to buy a last minute plane ticket to get home but thankfully, i ended up getting my bus ticket refunded.
i kind of wish i could go out on some spontaneous adventure now to break up the monotony of these days that i spend mostly cooped up in my apartment. but it hasn’t been all bad, really. i’ve always liked the coziness of my room at this time of year, even if it has been unseasonably warm. and i’ve been saving a ton of money from not going out.
i don’t really miss it too much – all those hectic nights of doing basically the same thing over and over again, getting too drunk and staying out too late. it was fun, but my hangovers are getting worse, and the people i stumble into are getting younger and younger. i’m definitely not as young as i used to be.
mostly i miss the dancing, and feeling attractive or expansive in the eyes of other people. i miss those fleeting connections with total strangers – sly glances and smirks, little hints of poorly disguised attention, coy smiles in dark rooms. that sort of thing.
but i’ve been doing okay. i recently got promoted to a team lead position at work so i’m kind of shifting gears from just coasting by to really committing to my job. i think everyone could tell i was getting a little complacent and i was due for a bit of a shakeup. i was trying to write a novel this month, but that’s going to have to go on the backburner for now. i’m still going to try to read and write a little bit every day though. and meditate.
i’ve also learned to cook more healthy recipes and i exercise basically every weekday, so i’m actually probably more fit than i’ve every been in my life, which is kind of nice. and on weekends, i usually go to my parents’ place and spend time with my family, which has actually been great. we eat donuts and play video games and watch schitt’s creek (which i’ve finished but will never get tired of rewatching).
overall, there have been some really good parts of this more quiet phase in my life. it’s given me a chance to appreciate little things and get to know myself better too. i’ve been thinking about what i want to do, who i want to be, what’s really important to me – all of those things that you think about when you’re by yourself for a long time – and i have some new perspectives and plans.
still, it would be nice to be able to see my friends freely, without having to worry in the back of my mind. i wonder when the next time i’m in a room full of strangers will be, sharing the buzz and bustle of another late night. all of it feels so distant now.
i should probably start going on more walks before it gets too cold outside.
i hope big things happen next year.
