Month: November 2021

• restless bursting.

  i’ve been telling everyone who cares to listen that i wanted to have a quiet november, staying at home and away from alcohol (and other things), keeping to myself in the warmth of a cozy room – but that hasn’t been quite working out for me.

  i still find myself in pubs and houses, loud music playing over speakers, out at bars until 3am, dancing with people i don’t remember, and then, after, returning to a table at a 24-hour a&w with four hamburgers instead of the poutines all my friends apparently told me to buy.

  there is still that familiar haze – the mornings and afternoons spent recovering, barely feeling human – ordering doordash because it seems easier than dragging myself out of bed to fumble over a kitchen stove – inhaling a bowl of ramen before going back to bed for another couple of hours, and then finally truly waking up, right when the sun is about to set and introduce yet another night.

  but last night, instead of going out (with offers from 3 separate groups of friends), i stayed in and finished reading a sweet, mushy book that left me feeling all at once so empty but so full. it objectively wasn’t even that well-written of a book – super corny and overly simplistic and idealistic – but the great beating heart of it made me smile, and i strangely found myself missing it as soon as i was finished.

  there’s something to be said about sweetly unhinged optimism – it’s the same thing that i love about gooey romantic comedies, even though they’re super predictable and generally have little to no real stakes at all.

  sometimes i don’t need the drama or conflict or pain. sometimes i just want to escape to a world full of open, unabashed love, where things work out for good people and everything can be tied up with a neat little saccharine bow.

  i finished the book and was full of something that maybe resembled hope, or promise – some yearning for a future in which i might also find some full, impossible love.

  usually i’m pretty okay and content on my own, but last night i was restless, and by midnight i was tempted to go out and meet my friends, even though i was completely sober – at least, if anything, to explore the possibilities of another reckless night.

  i’m probably not going to find love drunk again in a dark, loud room, but who knows right?

  i stayed in though and i don’t regret it. if i’m going to stumble into my love story, i kind of want it to be brighter than that. and anyway, there’s always next weekend, and the one after that.

  November 21, 2021

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• november joys.

  the weather has finally turned and there is a crisp chill outside that calls for cozy sweaters and long fall coats. i felt it as i walked fifteen minutes to a stranger’s aparetment to pick up a magic mouse i bought off of her for $40 on facebook marketplace. she was really nice and accommodating and in a different life, had our paths crossed sooner or under more casual circumstances, i could see us being friends.

  i got home, and after work i sat quietly in my living room, snuggled into a robe with my kindle propped up by its case on the table, while i ate tostitos chips and lacklustre spinach dip.

  i remember thinking to myself, ‘this is a small kind of happiness,’ and noting i should be grateful for it.

  a friend called me to tell me how well his date went tonight and i was genuinely happy for him. i listened to him talk about excitement and butterflies, and about how it’s been so long since he’s felt this way about someone, and i smiled and told him it was right out of a movie.

  after saying goodbye and hanging up, i thought about how nice it was that these things still happened; that you could go out one night and meet someone one, exchange numbers, go on an adventure and actually enjoy it.

  so many people i know found their newest relationships on a dating app, but i’m still too old-fashioned for all of that. all i want is a meet-cute, so maybe i should start reading or writing in cafes in the morning again. God knows i’m not going to magically stumble into a meet-cute holed up in my apartment.

  but for now, my apartment is fine, and i’m happy sitting content in the warmth of my living room while the november chill descends upon the city outside.

  for now, and maybe forever, this is more than enough.

  November 4, 2021

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• 

  

  halloweekend was, once again, not very restful at all.

  i showed up to work in my scooby doo onesie, which actually turned out to be incredibly hot in the office, so i spent most of my day with the zipper down to my abdomen and my bare chest exposed.

  there was a potluck and my boss brought moose burgers (his dad hunted the moose himself), which were actually pretty good.

  after work, conor and i powered through the rain to meet renee at frisaca, where we had tacos and beer and sang karaoke. i sang unwritten and the key was so high i had to go into falsetto, but everyone seemed to enjoy the performance. later on, after a few more drinks, renee and i sang dangerous woman, and it was very cute even though we were mostly off key.

  renee’s boyfriend khan came to meet us, and later on anthony and hannah and their friends came to meet us too. i also introduced myself to the group of people behind us and conor got one of the girls’s number. now they have a date on wednesday, and i’m here wondering if anyone will ever successfully wingman me.

  we were planning on taking it easy, but we got there at around 6:15 and karaoke started at 10 and we ended up staying until about 2am, so needless to say, we were pretty gone by the time we left.

  it was only after the uber dropped me off at my place that i realized i’d forgetten my fanny pack (which had my keys, wallet, work ID, lip balm and airpods in it) at the bar.

  i got the concierge to let me into my apartment, but it was a whole hassle and i was visibly annoyed and completely cantankerous and unfair to the poor man, even though i knew it was my fault. i was just tired and wanted to go to bed. i should actually appreciate that the building cares about security this much and that it’s such a difficult process to be let into a potentially random apartment with no keys or ids.

  even though i was worried about my fanny pack, i decided it was a problem for the next day, and for some reason, i knew it was going to be okay. i went back to the bar after i woke up at around noon to see if anyone had found anything.

  at first, the owner of the bar told me nobody had left or found anything the night before, but as i stood around trying to figure out my next move, he suddenly jolted with a sudden rememberance and retrieved my fanny pack from behind the bar.

  i’m kind of glad this happened in such an easy way becaus even though it was mildly inconvenient, it resolved pretty quickly and it’ll hopefully force me to be more careful with my things. i guess i’m just not used to carrying a fanny pack around.

  i met up with bre later that day to get food and go shopping. we got udon at manpuku and then went to eatons to buy a large ice cube tray for ely (the kind of large ice cubes you put in glasses of whisky(?) or scotch(?)).

  and then we went to the firkin on yonge for a couple of cocktails. we had a nice time chatting even though the service was so slow and annoying.

  then i went home and took a nap before conor came over so we could uber to flynn’s to pre before the no-neon warehouse party.

  we made it to flynn’s and everyone was in costume and it was so hot because there weren’t really any windows or ventilation, but still, it was nice to see people and get excited for the night ahead. i always love hanging with the irish boys.

  the warehouse party itself was fun, and it was nice to really go out dancing at an actual dancing venue for the first time in a while. the music was thumping, lights were flashing, and it was all a kind of blur of pulsing bodies – entranced zombies swaying to an endless beat on the dance floor.

  a kind of cute guy started dancing with me, put his arm around my waist and all that, but i turned around and told him i was trying not to make out with strangers.

  “why?”
  
  “just because.”

  and soon after, he left me, saying he had to go find his friends.

  i kind of wish i’d made out with him, or gotten his number or instagram handle or something, but even at the time i don’t think i found him that cute. i think he was maybe just tall and nice, and do i really need to make out with another night-time, dance club stranger? maybe i’m just growing up and growing out of old habits.

  the dancefloor seemed to empty pretty suddenly at one point, but our crew stayed for a little while longer to get the dancing out of our system.

  outside, while we were waiting to make the next move and as everyone was leaving, a man walking by told me he liked my stance.

  “love your stance dude.”
  
  “thanks, that’s nice of you.”
  
  “you look like you make the decisions in your group. is that true?”
  
  “oh, no. i usually just tag along. i really should just go home.”
  
  “well we’re heading to the next party, maybe we’ll see ya there!”

  for a split second, i wondered where my life would go if i decided to ditch my friends and tag along with that random man, but of course, i didn’t end up doing that.

  conor went home beause he was so tired, but the rest of us headed over to one of the boys’s house to either party a little more, or wind down before heading home.

  i was part of the wind down camp and ended up leaving after about half an hour – a decision i did not regret after hearing some of the boys had kept going until 1PM the next day.

  i got home at a reasonable 6am-ish and stayed in bed until maybe 2pm, at which point i woke up to make myself a bowl of instant ramen because my body was screaming for foodk before going back to sleep until around 7pm-ish.

  later, i ordered sushi and spent the evening watching youtube videos and reading, which was actually nice. i was a little tempted to go meet other friends at another pre before heading to church street, but i could feel my body’s resistance to that idea so decided against it.

  i guess i really am growing up.

  all in all, it was a pretty fun halloweekend, and now i’m hoping for a quiet november. gonna get cozy and stay warm in my bed.

  November 2, 2021

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