this fantastic mess.

dirty little whirlwind, i'm pinned to the heart of your swirl.

DISCLAIMER: this is a personal blog (i just want to write about my life 😭) and does not necessarily reflect the views, opinions or perspectives of my employer or church.

Month: July 2022

oppressive, muggy heat presses down like a heavy, lethargic blanket all across toronto.

i took a streetcar home from my parents’ place and was instantly annoyed at the crowd of people packed in.

a few boys came in a couple of stops after me and stood at the entrance, even though there was enough room to move down. i watched people struggle around them to exit for stops afterward – they were in everyone’s way and couldn’t give a damn about it.

that kind of selfish entitlement in people frustrates me. i don’t know how people can move through life being that inconsiderate and obtuse. it’s not a good look and nobody appreciates it.

how hard would it be to do what’s good for other people? why do you want to be cramped at the entrance of a streetcar anyway, having everyone chafe across you as they rightfully try to get off?

down the aisle, i found myself sweating uncomfortably. and when it was my turn to get off, i was trying to be patient, but some random guy cut me off, jutting right in front of me, quick as a dart, as if worried the doors were going to close before he could leave.

“sorry!” he said in a flash as i audibly let out a deadpan “what the actual fuck.”

does nobody know how crowds work anymore? has the pandemic really stripped us all of our common sense?

i’m calmer now, in the sweet chill of my air-conditioned apartment.

the evening stretches before me and i’m probably going to start a new video game soon.

i want to finish my visa application, but i don’t know if i have enough information.

in this heat, everything seems to move slowly, and i wonder how many more minutes i’ll lie in bed.

July 19, 2022
blood.

bad habits die hard and sometimes i feel like i’m on the verge of letting one rot, but then at the very last minute, on the brink of some new horizon, i turn back to the corpse, pick up the defibrillator, and send a new shock through its system.

i breathe life into what should be a dead thing and welcome it home like an old friend i’ve outgrown but can’t shake off, as if it’s some essential part of me, incapable of separation without me withering away. sometimes that happens with old friends; they become family, with ties stronger than blood.

blood, blood, blood.

fresh blood drawn from an old scab i can’t help but pick, even though i know better – even though i know it will likey leave a scar. and i wonder how it’s tainted me. i wonder where it’s left its mark.

and can anyone else see but me? or is it a wholly inward kind of shaken, something i can keep solely to myself?

maybe it’s my cross to bear, but wouldn’t i be better off if the burden could be shared?

deep shame is a lonely pit, and now i’m the corpse, stuck six feet under, breathless and watching shovel-fulls of dirt cascade all around me.

i can see the sunlight peeking through the scattered earth. perhaps i have enough in me to reach for new life. and maybe i can leave that other corpse behind. day by day, step forward, grow the distance with enough time.

and like lot fleeing sodom, let me never look back.

when the temptation draws near, will i be flesh or will i be salt?

July 18, 2022
some memories of new york/gov ball, june 9th – 13th, 2022:

standing in the hallway of clark’s apartment and eating a genuine new york bagel. he was trying to keep me a secret hoping to surprise vasu, but she was on a work call that just wouldn’t end so we gave up and i headed back to my hotel.

picking up flowers with rob for vasu’s party. he wrote in the group chat that he’d be another hour or so, but the message must’ve sent late because he was stumbling through our hotel room door only a few minutes later, coincidentally right while i was on a video call with conor so they got to say hi to each other.

vasu’s party, which was nice and intimate, up on their apartment roof with a great view of the city. a new york summer sunset with a few good friends i hadn’t seen in a while – who could ask for anything more? and drinks and photos and new friends who came out with us later, to a bar i barely remember (the eagle???). no recollection of how we got home, but apparently robby bought everyone pizza.

an impressively authentic chinatown, and finding a relatively nice public bathroom in a surprisingly fun mall.

waiting 3 hours in a will call line in a sea of teens and agonies. sweltering in the oppressive heat, bodies pressed against bodies in a pulsing, shapeless, untamed mass. i think we saw maybe four people faint in our direct vicinity, and i watched a few people give up and decide to go home. admittedly, we picked a bad spot, and sometimes we were with people in the crowd and then i’d turn around and they’d be gone and i’d wonder where they went. probably to some smarter spot to get to the front faster, but honestly i felt too old to shove my way through hoardes of what looked like highschoolers.

but the break of joy and sweet relief once we were out of the crowd and inside the festival grounds. i remember starting to finally feel the buzz watching louis the child, which i’d never known was right up my wheelhouse. and then, later, kid cudi, who made a lasting impression.

three days of a festival and going out afterward every night. and amidst all this, a visit to the met, a walk through central park, trying shake shack for the first time and not even getting a milkshake. a couple of brunches, dinner in flushing, an arcade bar with a pinball machine that kept eating our tokens, and a gay bar (for better music) where i flirted with a bartender as my friends watched. an afterparty in a dark, sweaty basement with not enough ventilation, where a woman started teaching an impromptu dance class and we stumbled over ourselves trying to follow all the steps. and lots and lots of new york pizza.

all in all, it was a great and somewhat fuzzy weekend. i got to see old friends and make some new ones, and listen to good music while soaking up the summer sun. one of our favourite stages was actually a little bit of a hidden gem (sadly, we only discovered it on the last day) where a dj was playing bangers and everyone was dancing.

and OH:

i met jordan alexander, who stars in the new gossip girl, at the festival, which is maybe the most new york thing to have ever happened to anyone in the history of time.

July 14, 2022