first month of the new year almost done and things are looking up in a quiet, steady way – which, i think by now, is something i’ve grown to prefer.
i had a birthday party for my 30th birthday. i wasn’t going to at first. i was maybe going to have a nice dinner with friends, and then another dinner with cake and presents with my family, but i was out with my sister one day when she suggested having a funeral-themed party (a fun little death to my twenties celebration) and i thought the idea was so funny i had to execute it.
i drafted up a fun little mock-funeral service invitation and decided the party would have to be. i ended up renting a space out, inviting over 100 guests (though i’m not sure how many actually attended), and mandating an all black dress code.
“you should wear white.”
another banger of an idea from my sister, but i added a black veil for the vibes.
the party went really well, except for spotify deciding to stop working after i’d spent a considerable amount of time curating a playlist specifically for the event. but it was friday the 13th, so i’m grateful that was the only thing that went wrong.
everyone seems to have had a good time, and though i was too busy flitting around the room to really spend time with anyone (they say it’s hard to have fun at your own wedding after all), there were speeches (eulogies, rather – given by Frances, Camilla, Conor, and my sister – all of them funny and then touching), and cake, and free-flowing drinks, and so many of the people i’d wanted to see but hadn’t had the chance to for so long all gathered together.
and by the end of the party, things were getting a little blurry, so i’m sure i had my fair share of fun too.
the rest of january was just lazing about. i resigned from my job a couple of weeks ago to start a bootcamp (that started today!), and instead of working through my notice period, my manager said they’d just pay me out for it and I could just get more time off.
i’ve been doing a lot of deep cleaning that i’ve been putting off for forever, playing video games, and returning to the habits i want to foster – namely, reading, writing, and drawing.
sometimes i light candles and bask in the quiet, and i’m grateful to be perfectly content in my own company.
i’ve also been experimenting with not drinking anymore, which has been going pretty well. i’ve gone out a couple of times and just drank non-alcoholic beers and mocktails, and honestly, the energy of the environment (usually bolstered with loud music) and going through the motions of drinking are enough to induce a pretty impressive placebo effect.
i was worried i wouldn’t have fun without the alcohol, and myabe i’m not as wild and won’t go home with as crazy stories as i used to, but i still end up having a good time, and surprisingly staying out later than a lot of other people. i don’t even miss the alcohol that much so i think i’m going to keep this going indefinitely and see what happens.
the only thing is i feel like people are a bit judgy when they find out i’ve made the conscious decision to try to stop drinking – and moreso when they find out it’s not just for dry january, but instead an actual lifestyle change.
i’ve gotten a lot of why’s and perceptively insincere congratulations’s, and there’s definitely pressure to drink to contribute to the overall vibe of the crowd (i even had a friend rescind an invitation to go out for drinks because she was already tipsy and i said i would go but not drink – “i can still come out and have fun!”, “that makes me feel so not fun thouth”), but i’ve never been one to bow to pressure.
the way i see it, i’ve done all the drunk nights out before, and they’re all for the most part the same, even if they are entertaining. a little blurry, a little messy, a little reckless and wild. people love telling stories of the antics i’ve gotten up to when i’m drunk, but i don’t need to be the story anymore.
i’m 30 now, and i want to see if not drinking opens up my life in new – and maybe better – ways. i want my weekends back, and i want more energy and i want to be more creative. more and more i’m seeing alcohol – at least in the ways i consumed it (namely excessively, and without any restraint or moderation) – as a scam, and i don’t want to buy into it anymore.
so that’s me at 30 – quitting my job, starting a bootcamp, quitting alcohol, and hopefully moving london, england by the end of the year.
which reminds me, i still need to fill out my visa application.
it seems i still haven’t gotten over the trap of procrastination yet, but hey, nobody’s perfect.