my cuddle buddy just left to go get food because he was starving.
i’m lying here wondering if i should just go to sleep and leave him locked outside my building because i’m just. that. tired.
blame it on that damn essay.
Month: February 2013
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“And yet what precisely is this ‘greatness’? Just where, or in what, does it lie? I am quite aware it would take a far wiser head than mine to answer such a uestion, but if I were forced to hazard a guess, I would say that it is the very lack of obvious drama or spectactle that sets the beauty of our land apart. What is pertinent is the calmness of that beauty, its sense of restraint. It is as though the land knows of its own beauty, of its own greatness, and feels no need to shoud it. In comparison, the sorts of sights offered in such places as Africa and America, though undeoubtedly very exciting, would, I am sure, strike the objective viewer as inferior on account of their unseemly demonstrativeness.”
‘The Remains of the Day’ by Kazuo Ishiguro
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sadiq, johann and chantelle have all visited me and they kind of make me wish all of my friends from toronto were here.
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because whatever.
“i’m never going to get blackout again.”
LOL.
but i did meet some really nice people tonight, so that was good.
why am i awake.
this is ridic.
also, i yelled at the bartenders at gerts because i’m classy and sophisticated.
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the value of pen and paper.
i just spent about 45 minutes writing in my journal for the first time in months.
i’d forgotten how cathartic it can be.
i went ranting on and on about things i would never even dream of posting here, and sometimes merely articulating what’s in your head is enough to feel lighter.
put a train of thought on the right track and you start to feel guided.
really, i think everyone should write in something personal – put words in something not meant for anyone else’s eyes.
it’s both relieving and illuminating.
i feel like i see things clearer now.
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Capricorn: You’ll feel really quiet this week, like all your energy is focused and reflected within you. Spend the week reading, spend it riding the bus with headphones on, spend it sitting quietly through your meetings and leaving parties a little early. From the outside it might look like sadness—your friends will ask if you’re okay, your mom might tell you she’s worried—but it won’t be. It’s just going to be a week where everything happens inside of you. Make an effort to go out and laugh with your friends over pizza anyway. Read Doris Lessing, read about black holes.
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magic.
above: passion pit, live.
i went to see passion pit on friday night and everything was so beautiful and magical and perfect, and it wasn’t even just because i was rolling (an added plus).
marcello took us to a pre and i started to roll and everything became lighter and i became a mass of delightful little tingles and sparks.
i could feel energy coursing through me and wanted to spread the joy so i kept spewing nonsense about positive energy and the beauty of the night to be, and it turned out to not be nonsense at all.
apparently the good vibes were contagious and soon we were all in a pretty good mood.
it started to lightly snow on the walk over to metropolis and it was absolutely magical. i took it as a heaven-sent sign of the good things to come.
we went to grab our tickets right before entering the venue and laura couldn’t find hers. our faces fell and there was a deep, penetrating sense of incredible doom as we concluded that it must’ve fallen out of her pocket on the walk over.
and then i spotted it lying on the ground beneath her and it was like a fog had lifted and we could both breathe again.
then we found out marcello was having trouble with his ticket, but he bought another one from a scalper and managed to get in.
these minor blips were forgotten upon entering the venue.
any negative thoughts were banished and we were overcome with an exciting sense of anticipation. the energy was good and we were ready to dance.
and dance we did.
the crowd was beautiful and the vibes were delicious and the lights were flashing and the music was blaring (in the best way possible) and i took a look around and felt like everything was just as it should be.
take a walk started playing and there were bubbles floating in the air and it looked like this:
it was stunning.
the feel-good nature of the music was uplifting.
the crowd seemed to bind into one elated consciousness: hands were raised at all the right moments and we seemed to jump and sway and clap as one.
i was rolling and i felt like i was absorbing everything and every time i turned and smiled at someone (which i did often) i received a smile in return.
these are little, more subtle kinds of magic.
they played sleepy head as their encore performance and it was the perfect ending.
even the coat check line (which was kind of terrifying) turned out to be not that bad.
all in all, it was another beautiful experience to add to the collection.
thank you to everyone who pitched in for my ticket.
i had a really good time.
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i don’t get people.
so this person started talking to me on grindr and this was our conversation:
him: ew was your face deeprfozen?
me: yes! how kind of you for noticing.
him: seriously dude, you and guys like you get the rest of us a bad rep.
me: that’s maybe one of the rudest things i’ve ever heard. all you even know of me is my face. this kind of animosity is what tears the community apart. you should focus on putting out positive energy to the universe.
him: lol. how insightful. stop being such a ridiculous piece of shit. gays do not like women. what tears the world apart is your ignorance, stupidity and arrogance. you are nothing.
me: see, you can say that all you want but you’re not convincing me of anything. anyway, this is all really immature and i’m over it, so bye!
him: over it? hahahaha because you are an idiot. no ideas no intelligence nothing. just replicated sentences. go to hell pathetic faggot.
i obviously stopped replying because there is no way to reach people like this.
he went on the attack based on one photo of my face and i’m supposed to be the bad guy here because i ‘get him a bad rep.’
i mean, how self-involved can you possibly be?
just live and let live.
i am not going to listen to you try to tell me who i am or who i should be.
grindr used to be funny but now it’s just kind of sad.
i’m starting to get really sick of ridiculous, awful people.
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positive energy.
1. light incense (atmosphere; black magic – my favourite scent)
2. meditate (spiritual cleansing; calm)
3. exercise (physical cleansing; endorphins)
4. positive thinking (mental alchemy; silver linings)
5. surround yourself with people who uplift you (love)i was supposed to start writing my scene analysis maybe five hours ago but i’m far too easily distracted.
however, i’ve lit more incense and made some coffee and now i feel ready to begin.
i feel invincible.
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“YOU ARE A WHITE SUPREMACIST AND ONLY LIKE PALE ABERCROMBIE-TYPE LOSERS.”
– elaha, 2013, because i didn’t think her crush was that cute.
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i want spring to come.
i want to be able to walk outside in a light shirt and a cardigan and a cute pair of shorts – and in nice shoes that aren’t ugly or clunky or gross.
i want to be able to roam the streets of montreal in sunlight and warmth – to eventually find a little cafe on some hidden street and sit outside with a good book and an ice cappuccino.
i want there to be flowers and grass and leaves, and i want to see people smiling, studying on the field or underneath the shade of giving trees.
wanting to stay indoors is getting so tiresome.
i want to feel alive.
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my bad.
i just wanted a break from reading.
i didn’t even want to get this drunk tonight.
but now i am and everything sucks and i can’t do readings and i did awful, stupid things and –
– whatever. all of this is stupid anyway.
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i want to be open to all of the universe –
to accept what is offered and be happy.