me if i ever learned how to drive. nobody give me a license.
Month: March 2014
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i did acid for the first time last saturday afternoon and painted this self-portrait.
i’d done shrooms with the boys the previous night and kind of lost myself again, which was a shame. i wanted to stay grounded, and to connect with them and to share in that experience, but i guess there’s always next time.
maybe doing acid was my way of trying to find myself again – to reground myself.
i’ve been lacking clarity and feeling kind of murky recently. it’s been hard to see myself as beautiful.
learning how to love yourself is one of the hardest things to do, and although i think i do a pretty good job of it most of the time, i occasionally falter.
i’m tired of winter.
i want warmth and beauty and life.
i want to feel alive again – i want to feel beautiful and capable of wonderful things.
maybe i should stop taking naps and start doing schoolwork – at least then i’d feel like i’m accomplishing something.
i should also probably start going to the gym again.
three cheers for endorphins.
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robby came to visit last week and it was so cute.
we went to gerts on wednesday and busty and the bass was playing with jordan benjamin and was good tunes all night, which was nice.
bda and gerts on thursday, of course.
shrooms and lucy & co.’s house party on friday night.
the hutchison hotties reunion party on saturday night.
watched frozen and tangled on sunday, and had a chill night.
ended up at korova on monday night.
ugh i love dancing.
it was strange, because the entire time he was here i was tracking the things that have stayed the same, and the things that have changed.
there were so many things that were familiar, and so many that were foreign, and it was kind of a bittersweet realization that sometimes some things will always stay in the past, but that there is also so much promise for the future.
i thought about the tenuous ways people are connected, and how the nuanced dynamics between people are constantly in flux – how we are, each of us, always changing, and negotiating ourselves with those around us.
relationships are complex because people are complex.
life is very strange indeed, and it’s no wonder it can be so difficult to navigate.
it’s so hard to be sure of anything.
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the tightest pants i’ve ever owned and my new favourite denim jacket, bought during reading week.
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!!READING WEEK 2014!!
FRIDAY FEBRUARY 28TH: went to visit courtney’s new apartment in the liberty village. it was super cute and full of potential and we both got excited at the prospect of interior decorating. she painted for a bit and we caught up on life and love and then she went to work and i went to meet up with yodit and her friends at pho hung, which is allegedly the best place for pho in toronto.
yodit ordered the same thing i did, but she didn’t know what it was so she ended up hating it. vermicelli is not even bad.
we went for drinks at rivoli afterwards, and i felt really underdressed in my baggy blue sweater. there was a live show in the backroom but none of her friends wanted to pay cover to see it so they all eventually left. i was left all alone, but i didn’t want to go home yet so i ended up in the back room watching the last couple of bands and making friends on the dancefloor. i didn’t even have to pay cover because the guy at the door was super nice and i guess i looked sad or something.
SATURDAY MARCH 1ST: went out with andrew & co. for drinks. my natural flirtiness unintentionally came out again and one of his friends ended up asking if i was available.
i love flattery.
SUNDAY MARCH 2ND: sadiq took me and elaha to an oscars viewing party at his friend’s apartment. we were told to dress up, but elaha didn’t bring any clothes to my place, so she ended up trying out about 3 of my sister’s gowns and prom dresses. we went with purple.
and hurray for lupita, luv u gurl.
MONDAY MARCH 3rd: i went shopping with sadiq. we went to h&m and i bought the tightest pair of pants i’ve ever owned. i still don’t know how i feel about them – i think my thighs might be getting too muscular because of squats but like wuteva i luv myself.
then we stopped by aber and saw mirabelle and we all went out for ramen at kinton (such a fun place) after she was done her shift.
TUESDAY MARCH 4TH: saw the lego movie again with my family – this time in glorious 3D. everything was awesome.
WEDNESDAY MARCH 5TH: elaha came over and did her modules (or whatever) for second cup, where she was recently hired, while i drew a portraid of my dad for his birthday. i was using charcoal on canvas for some reason, so i couldn’t erase any mistakes. i ended up fucking up his left eye and his teeth, but it still turned out okay.
THURSDAY MARCH 6TH: i went for manicures and shopping with bre and we caught ourselves up on each other’s lives. there was only one other client there and i think we ruined what would’ve been her wonderful and relaxing day of pampering with our obnoxious conversation.
i went home and got ready for my dad’s surprise birthday party, which was so fun. we put so many candles on his cake that it looked like it was on fire.
FRIDAY MARCH 7TH:had dinner with jim at a restaurant called earth, which was super nice. i had scallops and a duck pot pie and it was all delicious.
SATURDAY MARCH 8TH: went to crews and tango with elaha and joseph. dancing is always so much fun. we went to frans after to get a bite to eat.
SUNDAY MARCH 9TH: return to montreal.
reading week was made up of a lot of catching up with friends, going out, and not resting. it’s funny because i was so determined to do a cleanse the whole week which would’ve involved not drinking, not doing drugs and focusing a lot on my spiritual well-being.
ugh whatever.
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i’ve been lazy with my blogging the past couple of weeks so here comes a barrage of photo recaps for posterity’s sake.
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for future me.
i was feeling nostalgic and doing some reminiscing yesterday – reading old blogposts, listening to old songs laced with old feelings – and today i read my posts from last month and they made me kind of uneasy.
they were all angry or sad – or just negative and dark – and i guess february in montreal is hard on everyone, but i don’t want to look back on this in a couple of years and think my life was all doom and gloom, because it wasn’t.
i still go out, i still have fun, and i still find joys in simple pleasures – meditation, reading, grabbing coffee with a friend.
i’ve met some beautiful people over the past couple of months, and i’m even seeing someone i actually really like – and who i’ve been seeing for more than two weeks, which is a first.
and even though sometimes there are doubts, deep down i know that there are people out there who love me, and there are people out there i love, and i’m lucky enough that many, if not all of those people fall under both categories.
winter time is always a dark time for me, and i tend to feel things intensely, so when i’m feeling rough, i write to help me process things. and i write on this blog so i can look back on it later – sometimes in months, sometimes in years – and maybe laugh or maybe cry.
it’s important to know that when i say i’m lonely, or when i say there is no one i connect with (which happens more often than i’d like it to), it comes from a very dark, usually very drunk place, and i only say it as a kind of release, a method of coping. i usually say it because:
1. i am out to hurt someone.
2. i am scared of the strength of some connections – and the beautiful vulnerability that comes with them – and i try to convince myself i don’t feel so strongly for some people as a kind of twisted defense mechanism.
3. in the moment, i’m genuinely feeling lonely and disconnected, as if no one will ever truly understand me – because really, don’t we all feel that way sometimes? – and i’m projecting it onto my whole life.but at the end of the day, i know that i am blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life, and to have the support i need to grow into myself.
i just want future me to remember that even though sometimes i paint myself as a tragic character, at the end of it all, i am happy.
i am loved, and i can love.
and thankfully, i’m lucky enough to know that even though sometimes i feel so heartbreakingly lonely, i am never, ever alone.
