i cried a little bit and i wrote something in secret and i think i truthfully got to the root of the issue.
and i think now i can truthfully move on.
or at least fall sleep.
goodnight.
Month: September 2015
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restless.
it’s my brother’s birthday and were about to eat dinner and i was in such a bad mood, so i was going to write a scathing post to purge all of these terrible feelings.
i was going to write about how awful it is when you think you’ve done such a good job putting old demons to sleep only to have them wake up at lonely hours to haunt and to hurt you all over again.
and i was going to write about how sad it is that when actions contradict words, it’s so difficult to know how someone truly feels – or truly felt, ages ago – and i wonder if it even matters now. there are some things that i just can’t seem to get over, and even though they may seem petty and stupid, they aren’t to me, because they hurt and they make me feel inadequate and undesired. and it makes me so sad because i know that even though i might feel a certain way, i might be very wrong – and because i also understand that none of these things really matter anymore.
and i was going to write about how i’m learning to leave the past in the past and to accept insufficient explanations because that’s all i’ll ever get, and to understand that there are just some things we cannot change – and some things we might not even try to – and that there are some things that have been done and that have been felt and even though sometimes it hurt, i’ve come through to the other side of it – a little dusty but unbroken.
and even though there are things that linger – these dark spectres that taunt (and taint) from the shadows – at the end of the day it’s over, and all i can do is move on – and maybe i can learn to carry Unanswered Questions and Lingering Suspicion with me like old friends – maybe i can learn to be comfortable with the unknown and uncertain and with the idea that maybe that’s just the way things were.
and i guess i’ve written about all of these things after all.
but then we ate dinner and i talked and laughed with my family, and i felt so much better. and i realized that even though my mind has a nasty habit of lingering on the dark and hurtful parts of it, there are so many more parts of it that were filled with light, and now it’s over.
even though sometimes i might dwell on the past and torture myself with the seething questions and unending wondering that leave me feeling small and untouchable, slowly this will stop. and i will stop asking why and why not and with who and how many.
i am going to stop feeling lesser than i am.
bit by bit i am going to stop needing so much undeserved comfort and reassurance – i will stop needing all of the “this is how things were” and “this is how things are”.
bit by bit i am learning to just accept the things that might have been and the things that might be, and accept that maybe i will never be sure.
bit by bit i am moving forward.
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Fox News has capitalized on the growing global refugee crisis to push Islamophobic smears and paint all Muslims as terrorists.
i don’t trust anyone who trusts fox news.
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i actually laughed at a lot of these!!
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i fall asleep at 7 in the morning wondering what i’ve done the night before.
i haven’t written in a while.
the summer’s flashed by, and i haven’t jotted anything down.
i’ve been to a few music festivals, and a few friends have visited, and my family’s gone on vacation, and now i’m trying to make music and fill in the time.
but still, i haven’t really jotted anything down.
i want to look back (the way i always look back) and remember things and smile and think about the music i listened to and remember the things that i’ve felt and remember a time i wasn’t as full grown as i will be.
because i know in a year things might be so different, and i’ll wonder where the time has gone.
and i want to be able to look back and remember.
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What a Klan rally looks like without the white robes and hoods.
oh god
Demons
I don’t understand what I just watched like it literally sounds like the villainous speech from a movie but this is real life.
holy fucking shit
wtf did i just watch
When is she going to get a bullet between the eyes
what the fuck is this
this is terrifying.
(Source: tumblr_ntqd7kwoxu1rgy4u5-2What a Klan rally looks like without the white robes and hoods.
oh god
Demons
I don’t understand what I just watched like it literally sounds like the villainous speech from a movie but this is real life.
holy fucking shit
wtf did i just watch
When is she going to get a bullet between the eyes
what the fuck is this
this is terrifying.
)
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HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
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You always talk smack about white people. That’s reverse racism. If I said the same stuff about you, I’d be called a racist.
snoopbloggyblogg-deactivated201:
See that guy up there looking at you like you’re the crown ruler of all fuck ups? See how super white he is? Well, that ruggedly handsome devil is me.
Yup…I’m white. If I was Adam in the Biblical tale of Adam and Ave, God wouldn’t have made me out of dust/dirt. He would have made me out of Cool Whip and vanilla beans. That’s just how white I am.
So, that puts an end to the whole “reverse racism” thing, doesn’t it? I’m a white man making fun of white people. You just got M. Night Shyamalan’d up in this bitch.Also, racism doesn’t work that way. If a person of colour tells us we look like mayonnaise or that we’re weird as fuck because we don’t use wash cloths, that’s not racism. There’s no built in oppression there. That’s just commentary. Being mocked isn’t being held down. It isn’t being systematically deemed “lesser” by an entire group of people over years and years and years. It’s not based on anything. For racism to work (for want of a better term) there has to be that oppression. That’s why white people are so good at being racist.
Also, white people being called out as racists isn’t racist. A person of colour saying “White people ruined hip hop” or “White people always steal pieces of our culture” isn’t racist. It’s the other way around. Iggy Azalea is racist. White people trying to pass durags off as high fashion is racist.That’s why people hate us. Because we’re the most racist people on Earth and yet we don’t even understand how racism works.
KILL ‘EM
OMG I LOVE YOU
When white people are done with.white peoples bullshit >>>>>>>>>
I always reblog this epic clapback, nothing more moving than a person acknowledging how then can affect change within their privilege. Anon’s silly ass got read from the table of contents to the index.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOST
“We’re the most racist people on earth and yet we don’t even know how racism works” yes slaaaay
I love everything about this post
This is what a woke white person is. As said above using his white privilege to address racism
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The thing about that video of Shelby Mueller snatching and tearing the sign out of Jovani Rubio’s hands that I haven’t seen many people talking about:
if the roles were reversed, and he did to a young, blonde white woman what she did to him, he would have been violently attacked, arrested or even worse
What I think bothers me most about that video is that (consciously or otherwise) Mueller KNOWS full well that her white privilege will protect her. She’s smiling and laughing the whole time. Her physical safety in an ocean of white neocons was never a serious consideration for her
By contrast, Jovani Rubio knew that if he reacted angrily to Mueller’s provocation, his fate would have been sealed, or at the very least, he would have been deemed as being unnecessarily “angry” even though he had every right to be. I think their two reactions are a perfect analogy for the unspoken power white supremacy and white privilege. White people typically get to charge around with their damaging “opinions” and actions like bulls in a china shop, but black and brown people in the same situations have to constantly measure our reactions, even when we are in the right. We don’t get to be “colorblind” or “ignore” our race, or how our individual actions may reflect on everyone who isn’t white.
We don’t get to be carefree, youthful “individuals”
i do not trust anyone who still says white privilege doesn’t exist. it’s like you’re covering your ears and closing your eyes and yelling “NANANANANANA” like tiny children. what world do you live in?
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I’m so mad because this worked
i always ignore these but today something told me i should just click it. will post updates.
