it’s my brother’s birthday and were about to eat dinner and i was in such a bad mood, so i was going to write a scathing post to purge all of these terrible feelings.
i was going to write about how awful it is when you think you’ve done such a good job putting old demons to sleep only to have them wake up at lonely hours to haunt and to hurt you all over again.
and i was going to write about how sad it is that when actions contradict words, it’s so difficult to know how someone truly feels – or truly felt, ages ago – and i wonder if it even matters now. there are some things that i just can’t seem to get over, and even though they may seem petty and stupid, they aren’t to me, because they hurt and they make me feel inadequate and undesired. and it makes me so sad because i know that even though i might feel a certain way, i might be very wrong – and because i also understand that none of these things really matter anymore.
and i was going to write about how i’m learning to leave the past in the past and to accept insufficient explanations because that’s all i’ll ever get, and to understand that there are just some things we cannot change – and some things we might not even try to – and that there are some things that have been done and that have been felt and even though sometimes it hurt, i’ve come through to the other side of it – a little dusty but unbroken.
and even though there are things that linger – these dark spectres that taunt (and taint) from the shadows – at the end of the day it’s over, and all i can do is move on – and maybe i can learn to carry Unanswered Questions and Lingering Suspicion with me like old friends – maybe i can learn to be comfortable with the unknown and uncertain and with the idea that maybe that’s just the way things were.
and i guess i’ve written about all of these things after all.
but then we ate dinner and i talked and laughed with my family, and i felt so much better. and i realized that even though my mind has a nasty habit of lingering on the dark and hurtful parts of it, there are so many more parts of it that were filled with light, and now it’s over.
even though sometimes i might dwell on the past and torture myself with the seething questions and unending wondering that leave me feeling small and untouchable, slowly this will stop. and i will stop asking why and why not and with who and how many.
i am going to stop feeling lesser than i am.
bit by bit i am going to stop needing so much undeserved comfort and reassurance – i will stop needing all of the “this is how things were” and “this is how things are”.
bit by bit i am learning to just accept the things that might have been and the things that might be, and accept that maybe i will never be sure.
bit by bit i am moving forward.