Month: July 2020

• i keep forgetting and then sporadically remembering that i have a tumblr, so i forgot to post this when i revealed it to the world.

  my brother ophir helped me make this video for a lip sync competition at work, and i won the first place prize, which was $1000.

  funnily enough, i’ve wanted to make something like this for a while, so it turned out to be a good and lucrative excuse.

  we filmed last last weekend, and i had to muster up a good portion my confidence to parade around and perform in women’s clothes on location in public spaces – in front of so many people just out and about trying to enjoy whether and lacking any context for what we were doing.

  i saw people in the distance whipping out their camera phones and filming me while we were at the beach, which was honestly a little uncomfortable, but you know what, if you’re going to make a spectacle, you better be ready to deal with the attention.

  thankfully, i managed to stay in character, even when these two annoying girls stood right in the background of our shot, taking selfies that would’ve been identical literally anywhere else on that beach and then – more annoyingly – just standing there, staring at their phones.

  i would’ve asked them to get out of the frame, but i was in a dress and was a little self-conscious about telling anyone what to do since i wasn’t really in prime condition to be fielding any potential confrontation.

  and just as we were losing light and were under more pressure to film, more and more people started piling onto the rocks where we were shooting, which was so irritating.

  like i get that the beach is a public space, but honestly it really shouldn’t have been that crowded considering there’s a global pandemic going on, and i mean we were CLEARLY in the middle of something, so could these people PLEASE just wait for like 20 minutes until we were done so i could change out of the dress and leave?

  thankfully, we managed to get all the footage we needed, so we packed up and left. after we started walking towards the van, i took one last look back and there were way less people on the rocks where we’d been, which made me upset.

  i left the beach annoyed and worried that we didn’t have what we needed, but my brother somehow made it work and i think the video turned out pretty good!

  (Source: https://www.youtube.com/)

  July 28, 2020

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• immersive van gogh.

  

  i went to the immersive van gogh exhibit at the waterfront in toronto by myself today.

  the last time i went to an exhibit on my own was when i saw the basquiat exhibit at the AGO, which i remember being a great time.

  i often like going to these things solo because it gives me a chance to experience them thoughtfully and quietly – an opportunity to really lose myself without the distraction of company – but this time i think it would’ve been nice to have someone to stand next to and take it all in with.

  also, i’ve been feeling a bit lethargic and groggy lately, plagued by persistent and chronic fatigue that just won’t seem to let up, and yes, maybe it’s because my sleeping habits have been disastrous lately – what with the all the late nights spent playing video games at my parents’ place on the weekends and my inability to properly readjust – but i feel like i’m also starting to get a little bit sick, which is pretty alarming in the current global health climate.

  there’s a stubborn tickle in my throat, and sometimes i have a slight cough, so i feel like i should try my best to stay away from people again.

  maybe it’s time to not leave my apartment at all for 3 weeks at a time.

  maybe i’ll go across the street and get tested for covid tomorrow.

  July 14, 2020

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• a summer vibe.

  

  covid restrictions have eased in Ontario a little bit (patios and malls are starting to open again), and it kind of feels like nobody is taking the pandemic seriously anymore, and i can’t really say i’m any better.

  it might be that the weather is becoming too nice to stay inside, or maybe people’s patience can only run so far and it’s been too long, or maybe things are starting to feel pretty normal since more places are opening up so people are starting to act like it’s safer, but i’m seeing a lot of people in groups and not wearing masks.

  a lot of my friends also work in retail or service, so i guess a common mentality is that being cautious can only get you so far if you’re going to be exposed to that many people anyway.

  i’ll admit to being more lax and behaving in a riskier way than i should be recently, but it’s getting difficult to resist the urge to enjoy myself with friends on a nice patio, even though i know it might be stupid.

  i hung out with friends at a park a couple of weekends ago and we were all sitting pretty close together on the grass, and none of us were wearing masks.

  i think we’re all just hoping each of us is more cautious in every other situation and aren’t actually seeing many other people in the same way or proximity, which i know is completely flawed thinking.

  camilla came to my apartment for a bit to hang out beforehand and we got some food at the village genius pub’s makeshift patio (the waitress seemed new and nervous, and wasn’t very convincing in her efforts to be cautious), and camilla told me that as soon as i was outside and around people, my energy went up and i came to life. apparently it felt like i was dead inside in my apartment.

  i could feel the shift too. sometimes i forget that i’m actually a pretty solid extrovert and this whole being forced to stay indoors situation isn’t very good for my mental health. i don’t really notice it when i’m in my apartment for stretches at a time, but as soon as i go outside and hang out with people, my mood lifts exponentially, and i remember everything i missed.

  after hanging out at the park, we were all tipsy enough to want to go to a patio (which i’d previously said i wanted to avoid because i wasn’t convinced it was safe enough even though the province seemed to think it was), so we ended up getting a table at a place where camilla knew the host and all in all it was a pretty fun and wistful night.

  i savoured the feeling of walking home from a bar, a little drunk and hungry, and getting drunk food while watching inane youtube videos when i got home (i ordered delivery from frans even though it’s literally a block away from my apartment).

  there is a specific sense of carefree invincibility i get when i’m drunk that i missed.

  this past weekend, i went to a coworker’s backyard for a surprise party in honour of our other coworker’s promotion.

  it was a safer scenario because we actually practiced social distancing and sat a fair distance apart from each other, but i can only be sure of that for as much as i can remember from the night because i ended up drinking too much and blacking out.

  since i haven’t been drinking at all during quarantine, my tolerance levels have really plummeted, but i still have drinking habits as if they haven’t. i drank a bottle of wine and a bunch of white claws (thanks zach), and then i went and bought two more bottles of wine and drank one, and that’s basically when my memory fades to zero.

  i don’t know when i left or how i got home, but sadiq told me i got home pretty late and he heard me singing loudly by myself in my room (which is so rude). i woke up with a new burn on the back of my hand.

  i can always count on waking up with a new set of burns and bruises after a blackout night.

  i think i was just excited to be at a party and to drink with friends after so long.

  i hope things start going back to normal soon. or maybe not normal, since normal wasn’t very great at all.

  but i hope it’s not long before it becomes safe enough to hang out with my friends and have a good time without feeling worried or guilty about it.

  i have to remember that that will happen faster if we’re all more careful!

  July 8, 2020

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