it’s 2am but i thought i should write a bit of an update.
a lot of today was made up of dealing with the fallout from my last post. the funny thing about being open and honest is that you often give people something to wrestle with, to think about more deeply, to consider more seriously, and i don’t think that’s ever a bad thing.
speaking up about something important even when it’s uncomfortable (maybe especially when it’s uncomfortable) – and when you know you’re going to make everyone around you uncomfortable – gives people a chance to wrestle with that discomfort.
i got a lot of messages of care, encouragement and solidarity, which strengthened me when i was feeling a bit anxious. i could tell people were sharing the post, various members of church leadership were getting involved, conversations about what happened were going on. all of these things i knew might happen were happening, and i think deep down i wanted people to talk a little bit.
even though it was a bit scary to put myself out there like that, not knowing what the consequences would be, i’m glad people are treating this with the weight and gravity it deserves and having serious conversations about it.
every message i’ve received from all of the church leadership who’ve reached out has been very gracious and understanding, and for that i’m truly grateful. pete emailed me in good faith to see if i want to have a conversation with him (and chris) about everything, and i’m honestly looking forward to it.
i think these conversations need to happen, and i’m happy to be a part of them. i think we need better answers to big questions.
like, what does it mean when the way you love someone doesn’t feel like love? when it causes pain, separation, and the breakdown of true relationship? is it just a case of let’s agree to disagree? and how do you disagree well here when someone is crying out, saying “you’re hurting me, you’re pulling me away from God”? is it just a case of sad misunderstanding, of not receiving the ‘love’ you have to give well, of not realizing that you’re hurting them for their own good, that it’s not hurt at all, that it’s actually ‘opportunity’?
how do you build true, authentic, loving community, where everyone can thrive and flourish, when a part of the community is saying you have systems in place that actively harm them? is it just a case of they’re wrong, you’re right, and they simply have to find some way to accept that and move on, or leave?
i guess we’ll have to wait and see.
in other news, i got a cake for open doors (our church’s free wednesday community coffee morning) to celebrate chris’s birthday. james and diane and a new guest named tom were there. we took turns saying nice things about chris and then praying for him, and it was really sweet.
and while we were doing this, i thought about how grateful i am for chris’s leadership – for his courage and love and compassion, for making a space where i can practice real discipleship and truly flourish in the boundless love of God, exactly as i am, with everything i have to bring. i thought about all of the things that had to happen for me to end up working at christ church and i felt truly and wonderfully blessed.
and in the evening, my st. saviours small group unexpectedly made space at the end of our meeting to pray over me and over the situation, to tell me they’re here for me and will support me – and i felt loved.
so even here, in the midst of this dull ache and discomfort, i can see glimpses of God too. and i have hope and faith that His hand is over all of this, and whatever He wills will be.
P.S. forgot to mention that apparently the situation with the church in wales is a lot more complex and nuanced (in ways that haven’t been fully explained to me yet), and their being non-affirming is just one factor in why they’ve left the institution of the church of wales. unfortunately, that’s not how it was presented at all in that meeting (which begs the question, why?).
