it is so, so hot in london right now. apparently it’s only 26 degrees celsius but i feel so much hotter than i ever feel in toronto because this city isn’t built for the heat. virtually none of the buildings have air conditioning so it’s up to our bodies to regulate the temperature, and i think the general consensus is that they are not up to the task. i’m lying naked in bed, staring out my bedroom window at the bright blue sky, the glaring 7pm light burning buildings across the street.
most of thursday was spent setting up my shitty temporary phone while waiting for my insurance-covered replacement phone to arrive on friday. went to the o2 shop on holloway road and the guy who helped me was really friendly and hilarious (shout out to o’dane). my sim card was free, so i asked if it would help if i left a good google review for the trouble, and he said:
“oh my god yes please. there was another shop down the road that was shit and closed down and this one opened up, but we got stuck with their shitty reviews.”
so i left a review. i’ve actually been getting into the habit of leaving good reviews when i like a place. makes me feel like i’m doing a good thing.
thursday evening i watched kokuho, and it was amazing. visually, it was stunning, and what an incredible glimpse into such a fascinating and esoteric world – the art of kabuki. the narrative follows two young, competing onnagata (men who specialize in playing female roles, as women were historically banned from performing) on their rise to fame – it’s a story about brotherhood, loyalty, and the sacrifices one makes in pursuit of honing a craft to perfection. made me wish i was as devoted to anything in my life, but also grateful that i’m not, because that kind of devotion comes at a cost.
at about a 3-hour runtime, it was quite long, but i didn’t mind. the whole experience was so beautiful, and they used snippets of show-stopping kabuki performances as set pieces. the respect and love for the art was so palpable, i can understand why it’s now the highest-grossing japanese live-action film of all time. anyone who loves beautiful filmmaking will love it.
went to selina’s first birthday party on saturday and it was very sweet. lots of young families with their young babies. i find babies so fascinating, i always want to know what they’re thinking, how they’re experiencing the world. everything must be so new, and time must move so slowly.
there was a cute dad there that i had a crush on. we talked for a while and there was kind of a flirty vibe if i’m being honest, but i think i bring that out in people. we all need a little validation now and again, and i don’t mind being a boost in someone’s confidence. no harm in an innocent crush and some light flirting when everyone knows it’s a dead end. call it a form of practice, a little dance that can give a moment a little edge.
to be completely honest, i wish gay guys would flirt with me as much as straight guys do. i’ve been out of the game for too long and i know i’m rusty.
because i watched kokuho and had recently read hooked, i decided to treat myself to a nice japanese dinner on saturday night to satisfy a craving. went to itto on stroud green for the first time and it was honestly very nice, if maybe a bit overpriced. had the itto bento box (“spicy prawns, clams and squid, prawn tempura, edamame, mooli”), which was delicious. i also ordered the chef’s roll thinking it wouldn’t be enough food, but i ended up packing those up in a to-go box because it turns out the bento box was quite filling.
it was so hot that even though it was late evening and the sun had already set, i could still feel myself sweating as i sat and waited for my food. i poured myself glass after glass of water, trying to distract myself from the heat with my kindle.
across from me, three women sat around a table talking animatedly, gesturing, leaning in, listening, laughing. sometimes i think i need more friends in this city. i tell everyone that it’s hard to make friends in london and everyone i speak to, local and foreign alike, confirms.
sometimes i think it’s a me problem. i’ve always felt one degree separated – somehow slightly disconnected – from any group of friends i’ve ever been a part of. i remember in high school and university feeling like a bit of a satellite, orbiting other friend groups, jumping from planet to planet, and while being for the most part welcomed in, never quite feeling as at home as everyone else seemed to be in the group. maybe that’s not fair to the close friends i do have, who are actually many and who i dearly love. it’s definitely a me thing.
at the pub on monday night, someone told me i have walls up. i don’t feel like i do, but maybe you don’t notice when you do? maybe she’s right. truthfully, i want to go to therapy and talk my way to the bottom of things, see if there’s anything from my childhood (according to “couple’s therapy” and “where should we begin“, it’s always childhood) that’s getting in the way. i want to get hypnotized in case i’m repressing anything, but i’m also afraid i’d just start unconsciously making things up, and then i’d get treatment for something that’s not even real, a whole set of dynamics based on complete fiction, once again making problems where there are none.
today was my church’s annual parochial church meeting, and it was swift and painless. it’s crazy to think that it’s been less than a year since i started working there. i feel like i’ve already changed so much.
i move into the neighbourhood this week and i have a really good feeling about it. i think this summer is going to be wonderful and dreamy, and i feel ready for my heart to open up in new ways. life is so mysterious and unpredictable.
after the meeting, maya and i went to gurmani for lunch. finally had the khachapuri (boat-shaped bread stuffed with white cheese, topped with egg and butter) and it did not disappoint. bread, cheese, butter – hard to go wrong with a recipe like that.
and once again, we were sweltering, pouring glass after glass of water, downing coca-colas. there’s something about coca-cola that’s so refreshing in the heat, and i don’t know what it is. i remember going to italy with bram and constantly having to buy bottles of it to cool down. that’s actually a happy memory for me, a nice association. wandering beautiful streets with a beautiful boy, not a care in the world but for the next bottle of coca-cola.
might keep this japanese cuisine kick going and go back to tonkotsu for their summer ramen. how often do you have to treat yourself before it stops being considered a treat?