2am and i’m tired tired tired, but i wanted to make a quick note to say that i’ve moved into my new home in turnpike lane!
charlie (and his friend jake) helped me move before they head off to japan tomorrow. bought them (and sam) dinner at the chinese buffet on stroud green to say thank you. weirdly kept talking politics and religion with jake, and i found myself putting on airs. when i think i’m getting perceived a certain way, it jars me and i end up subconsciously playing into it or trying to subvert it. i’m not exactly sure what i mean, but i felt…not nervous, but somehow not completely natural. maybe i get like that when i’m feeling judged, and now that i think about it, maybe i was feeling judged by sam.
the topic of sex before marriage came up again (as it seems to somehow always come up in smaller settings with sam for some reason) and i posited that there are actually sex-positive interpretations of the bible that value covenantal love over the legalistic signing of a marriage certificate, and that there might not be anything inherently wrong with sex before marriage between two loving, consenting, committed adults (i know, hot take, maybe even heresy).
honestly, i’m on a journey of exploring purity and obedience etc. etc. etc. and refraining from casual sex anyway, but i hate how sex seems to be the hill that christians die on, the absolute barometer for gauging spiritual health when actually, in the grand scheme of things, i just don’t think it’s that big of a deal either way. gotta look into it, but i feel like Jesus didn’t say much about premarital sex? He seemed much more preoccupied with caring for the poor and outcast, so should we not follow that example?
like, why is the church so obsessed with sex, and so incredibly judgmental about it, i’m so over it. and i hate that someone will perceive me as somehow less faithful or completely spiritually misguided because i simply don’t really care whether or not people bang before they’ve signed a marriage certificate, when honestly it’s none of my business anyway. and i’m tired of the holier-than-thou, self-righteous attitude of superiority christians have over others because they might not have the same attitude towards sex.
on the flipside, i know how destructive and destabilizing sex can be outside of a healthy, loving, committed relationship, so i kind of get it. but something tells me that’s not quite what the typical conservative christian is worried about. it feels less like genuine care and concern and more like yet another thing to hit people over the head with, a way of setting oneself apart as somehow better, purer.
anyway, end rant. i was probably just being defensive because i have a chip on my shoulder when it comes to religious judgment and hypocrisy. i think i feel the need to side with people who get judged for having sex, and stand by them.
i’m excited to live in the neighbourhood where i’m working. i hope it’ll make it easier to meet people and get better integrated into the community. i have a good feeling about it and i’m excited. i have visions of going to the farmers’ market on saturdays, joining a park run, sitting and writing at the local cafes.
funnily enough, i’m reading josh silver’s novel “fruit fly” right now, and one of the main characters is a gay drug-addicted sex worker living in a halfway house in turnpike lane, so there’s a claim to fame. how exciting!
i’m also happy to be living close to a mall, because i miss malls. my first jobs were in malls. i lived next to a mall in toronto and it was so incredibly convenient. perhaps i’m more of a capitalist shill than i care to admit 😔