little memories.

last week was consumed by playing saros, which is the kind of game that demands you keep going; onto the next boss, the next biome, just one more run – half an hour turning into an hour turning into hours. it ate up all of my free time, to the detriment of my reading, my writing, my updating this blog. but i beat it on saturday night so i’m back now.

here are some things i remember from last week:

---

– sunday –

my one searing memory from sunday is a deep sense of gratitude. i remember really thinking about how my life has been built on the generosity and kindness of others, how things seem to always work out even though i only ever step forward one foot at a time (i’ve never been one for a five-year plan), and i know it’s because so many people are looking out for me.

i am grateful for my life and for the people who make it possible.

---

– monday –

i remember waking up to the sound of softly falling rain. i’d slept in and it was already afternoon. went grocery shopping at my new local lidl and got a meal deal from sainsbury’s for lunch. nobody ever really thinks about how you have to adjust to new shopping habits when you move – to the often confusing layouts of stores you’ve never been to, to new trends of stock and inventory, learning what products you have access to, what you don’t, what brands and ingredients you might have to substitute.

later, i went to the gym, and after the gym i explored wood green mall; first the food court and then the primark, where i spent £50 on a bunch of hats, socks and a pair of shoes. i was basically raised in malls (my parents would take us to the eaton centre after church as kids to keep us entertained, and my first forrays into working life were in retail) so i find them comforting and familiar. i walked around with a big smile on my face, feeling a small sense of home, an unexpected swell of love.

i expect that whenever i feel lonely, i’ll ony have to walk the ten or so minutes to the mall to feel a little bit better. i’ll sit in the food court, i’ll write in my journal, i’ll pretend my mom’s just gone to the bathroom and will be back soon.

sometimes it can be hard being so far from home.

---

– friday –

after break bread (which was delightfully busy!), i went to mereme for some downtime, to read and have coffee. reading at a coffee shop with a nice cup of coffee is such a simple but invaluable pleasure. it elevates any day, at least for me.

i hadn’t been to mereme in a while since i’ve moved away so i was looking forward to seeing the owners, one of whom i thought had a minor crush on me (not a real crush, the owners are a couple), but he was a bit cold and distant while taking my order. it knocked me down a couple of pegs, and when i sat down, i journaled about how i’d been humbled and i need to stop being so delusional (even though i love being delusional).

this is an actual excerpt from my journal that day:

I’m in Mereme, was looking forward to this, a warm greeting, maybe a form of recognition – but Slim was a bit cold, maybe stressed

“How are you guys?”
And he said, “Busy.”

One word, and then he started busying himself with his phone. And maybe that’s a good thing, to humble me a little bit. I create silly famtasies in my head, fuel a dangerous and misguided delusion of my own beauty and irresistability, but at the end of the day, I’m just a person, just another customer, another face in an endless sea of faces.

but then, later, slim gave me some free baklava and sat down to have a quick catch up with me, and i thought, well, maybe i’m not so delusional after all. maybe it’s a fun, whimsical and appropriate level of delusion.

if i were to start a perfume line, maybe i’d call it “whimsical delusion – eau de parfum.”

unrelated, but here’s another excerpt from my journal that day:

Life is full of choices, of forking roads that branch out into the paths we take and the lives left unlived, filled with questions and lingering possibilities.

We make a choice and it becomes one facet of a diamond spinning in the dark. And every other facet exists as a part of ourselves, a sense of possibility that lives glimmering within us.

At least, I would like to think so. I would like to believe that nothing is wasted.

in the evening, i babysat for jeni and tim and thought about how different my life is from my life in toronto, how things have changed. on a typical friday night in toronto, i’d be getting ready to go out with friends, downing shots and preparing to be whisked away by the night.

instead, i sat and ate takeout, read a book, marvelled at how nice and powerful jeni and tim’s living room lamp was. and later, as i walked home, i was struck by the lovely quality of distant light in the darkening sky, the abundance of green from the surrounding trees and herbage. it was so peaceful.

---

– saturday –

i slept in again, woke up at about 2PM and went to krish’s housewarming party, which oonagh kindly invited me to. his new place is literally about a 5-minute walk from where i used to live, also in finsbury park. on the way there, i stopped at pretty shiny shop to get a housewarming present. i settled on a kitschy dish towel that said “My favourite salad is wine”. i figured, like underwear and socks, one can never have too many dish towels.

i’m not sure what i was expecting, but i was pleasantly surprised and impressed by the party. krish’s new place is beautiful, with a huge back garden where he was having a barbecue.

maybe when i hear “housewarming party” i still think of the parties people used to have in university when they’d move into a house together – basically just another excuse to get a bunch of people together to binge drink and get a little wild – messy, high-octane and chaotic; loud music, dim rooms and a bit of a blur of names and faces and hands.

but we’ve all grown up and krish’s party was a grown up affair, with parents and kids, an extensive menu written on a chalkboard, and everyone behaving sensibly, maturely – no sign of the chaos and disorder of our youth. everything was pristine and well thought out, the sun was shining, everyone was in a good mood.

i can’t tell if i miss the constant haze of montreal, but i think i’m happy with this new form of contentment. there was a time when i craved staying out and living in the buzz of an endless night, but i’ve reached a point where it’s nice to get home at a reasonable hour and have enough time to wind down.

sometimes i worry i’ve lost a sense of adventure, but i realize i often conflate adventure with recklessness and instability. it’s okay to have new kinds of adventure. slowly, i am seeing new things grow.