08.24.26 – MONDAY – 2:02PM – VAUXHALL
i’m at vauxhall station waiting for a train that will take me to epsom to meet felix. he wants to go for a long walk and then maybe go to the gym, and then we’re going to watch spiderman brand new day. honestly, it sounds like a cute day.
we talked for a bit yesterday, while i was wasting away hungover in bed. my sorry state dashed our tentative plans to hang out that day. i called him after a nap, after getting home from church where i played keys for worship, to let him know i wouldn’t make it. i told him about the festival i went to on saturday, meeting james norton (who was a winning combination of handsome and kind), and seeing lorde play ribs again to a fawning crowd.
the festival itself was really fun. i wore an oversized baseball jersey(?), the one i wore to civil liberties once with megan and camilla, that’s so large it sometimes makes it look like i’m not wearing shorts from the back. was going for a bit of an effortless vibe, but i ended up not wearing the top for a good chunk of the time anyway.
saw erin lecount (though i wish she’d had a live band), the tiniest bit of audrey hobart, sienna spiro (astonishing voice), zara larsson (so fun), surprisingly a little bit of djo, and of course lorde, who was once again incredible.
while we were waiting for erin lecount to start, i spotted a guy in the crowd wearing a custom melodrama denim jacket, with the album cover art stitched onto the back. i told him i loved it and he said he bought it off of someone who made it on etsy but no longer wanted it. it seemed like he was there with is boyfriend, and the conversation kind of petered out, though they seemed nice enough. i took it as typical british reticence revealing itself again.
we got relatively good spots for lorde, though we somehow ended up behind a forest of tall people. they’d all been sitting down when we’d staked out our spots, their full heights only revealed when everyone stood up closer to the start of the set. there was a girl with her boyfriend right behind us and we made jokes about how small we all were in comparison.
she was nice. apparently she didn’t really know much of lorde’s new stuff, but she had a good vibe and willingly danced along to every song. lorde played all her bangers – what was that, supercut, green light. i ascended during david and came back to earth to dance my ass off to ribs.
i’d been drinking throughout the day and i kind of regret it. started with rose, but by zara larsson’s set i’d switched to rum and cokes, and by the time lorde was set to play, i’d moved on to doubles. the beginning spells of a great doom.
after the festival, we headed to a pub nearby the park to wait out the crowd for public transit. it was there, with sam and a couple of girls we randomly met, that an intention formed in me to go to fire nightclub, with or without them.
i ended up packing sam into a cab so he could go home, and somehow finding my way to fire nightclub, all alone and not altogether there myself. i paid the extortionate entrance fee and entered to an almost empty dance floor. i don’t quite remember how i kept myself busy. getting another drink every time i found mine empty, sporadically talking to people, making friends, spending some time on the dance floor when it got a little busier. it’s all a blur.
and then one thing led to another messy thing and i and got kicked out. i incoherently tried to reason with the staff, though i had no business at that point trying to hold any form of civil conversation. i walked around and tried to get back in from the front and they didn’t let me. and honestly, this was a blessing because i really should’ve been on my way home.
according to my bank account, i actually didn’t spend as much as i thought at fire – maybe 5 doubles in addition to the cover charge. still a disaster, and for what? to barely remember my time there, to be a liability making messes and wreaking havoc and being ignominiously thrown out? to wipe myself out for the whole of the next day?
it really is such a trap, one that i need to stop falling into. and then the next day, slipping back into my own worse habits, razing all the groundwork, digging myself a hole.
i’m still waiting for a decision on my visa. i’m praying it comes in in the next couple of days so i can be cleared to go to greece with alex. i’m hoping i’m allowed to stay, and if i am, i want it to mean something. i want my time here to matter. i’ve often felt here that i’m on the brink of some great transformation. when i look back on the last few years, i can see i’ve changed in many little ways.
but there is a change i’m still chasing that continues to elude me. it will be the one, i think, that matters, that will show me i am capable of great things. i always talk about shifts in perspective, the value of just looking at things the right way. i want to be able to take the things i’ve learned and really put them into practice instead of letting myself be caught in a too-familiar tide that hurls me against those too-familiar rocks.
let that tide come and wash over me, and i will stand firm and resolute. i will emerge on the breakwater cleansed, shining and new.
–
10:57PM – TRAIN TO VAUXHALL
had a nice day with felix. he picked me up from the train station and then we went to his place to drop my stuff off. sat in his room for a while exploring his book collection. cozy and subdued in a nice way.
instead of going to the gym like we’d originally planned, we decided to go for a run around epsom common, a place he hasn’t really explored yet, to see the area a little bit. better than traveling all the way there just to be confined to an enclosed space so similar to spaces i’ve been in before. can’t really imagine much variety in gyms after all.
the run was long-ish: 7.8 km in about an hour (we kept our pace relatively slow). epsom common was very green, seemed much greener than london – with london’s dead grass and dying trees, a sad sea of depressing browns. you walk around there and find the pavement strewn with dead leaves as though autumn’s come early. it was nice to run through tunnels of vibrant trees.
after the run, we stretched in a parking lot across from his flat. he’s very thorough with his stretches.
“i think you’re supposed to hold position for 30 seconds,” when i’m typically satisfied with ten. and then we went back to his place to shower and change before heading to spoons.
i had a curry (and later, a brownie with a scoop of ice cream for dessert) and he had a healthy meal of chicken, peas, and tenderstem broccoli. as we were leaving the spoons, an older man sitting by himself at a table near us got up from his chair and stopped me. i’d actually noticed him earlier and wondered why he was drinking alone. it made me think about how older people must appreciate any time spent out of the house, immersed in the world – to have a drink alone but among others might be a strange comfort.
“excuse me,” he said. i leaned in closer because i couldn’t quite hear him, “i just have to say, i love your, um, your feminism,” and by that, i took him to mean my femininity, “you look very lovely.”
it was totally unexpected and actually very cute. i shook his hand and wished him a good night. when we left, felix commented on how surprised he was.
“i honestly would’ve expected the opposite in spoons.”
it did make me wonder how many people see me out in the wild and think i look lovely and simply don’t say anything. i’d like to think it’s scores of people, straight-seeming men sneaking second glances, girls who think i’m cute. i’d like to think it’s almost everyone. being delulu is the solulu!
we walked past a lloyds bank with a pride logo in the window and i pointed at it and joked to felix that it seems like epsom’s actually a gay village. he laughed.
when we got to the theatre, we realized we had the whole screeen to ourselves. felix posed in the middle of the sea of empty seats and i took photos of him. the theatre stayed empty save for us the whole time. it was like we had our own private screening.
a run, dinner, a movie: anyone watching would call it a date. when i posted photos from the day, a couple of friends almost immediately commented, saying surely we must be dating by now. i told them that we have a fun and affectionate friendship, which is the truth. i do have a habit of framing him on social media in a more intimate way, and i’m sure that’s me subconsciously pushing a narrative. i’m going to try to stop doing that though because i think it’s actually making him uncomfortable.
but to one of my friends, i admitted that while it’s all fun and games in the moment, it’s going to be annoying (read: sad) when he eventually gets a girlfriend and has less time for me. an old tale and familiar wound by now, but one that stings nonetheless.
i wonder if i can ever adequately prepare myself for that small heartbreak. i will take the loss as it comes and let things fizzle out. time is mysterious and leaves room for all sorts of surprises, but i’m truly not holding my breath. who knows, maybe i’ll get deported anyway and it’ll all be a moot point. everyone has a good feeling about my visa situation, but i’m not quite holding my breath for that either. need to prepare for the worst, after all, though i still have hope i’ll stay.
for now, i’m just going to breathe.