life’s been up in the air lately. distraction in the shape of uncertainty. paths form and collapse and form again.
on tuesday, ally and i watched “kiki’s delivery service” at the bfi imax. they showed it in its original japanese, so i didn’t quite get the gut punch of nostalgia i was hoping for, but it was still nice.
i had ramen for dinner, breaking the day’s fast, and decided to walk home from finsbury park because all of the transport links i needed were kind of messed up.
as i was walking down a near-empty street, i saw a guy turn to stare at me as he biked past. he stopped a little ahead of me on the sidewalk so i took my airpods out of my ears, readying myself for impending contact.
he started talking to me while i walked by. it was dark and we were alone and i think he saw me tense up and draw back. i honestly thought he was going to mug me.
“hey, why are you scared? i just like you.”
i walked on and he started to bike at pace beside me.
“where are you going?”
“home,” i said.
“can i come with you?”
“no, i’m not looking for sex tonight, maybe another time.”
i’m not sure why i said this. i think maybe i thought that flat-out rejecting him would make him mad and things would escalate.
and then he said, “why? we can go slow, i’ll show you good love.”
and i said no and he said, “can i kiss you?” and i said no, and finally, after biking next to me for a few seconds, he said, “okay, okay.” and sped away.
i exhaled and my shoulders relaxed, grateful to be alone again, without the threat of violence. you never know what might happen when a strange man tries to talk to you, on an empty street, in the dark, but you always brace for the worst.
–
but tonight, walking home from a solo dinner, i thought the sky looked so beautiful. i looked up and thought about how above and beyond all human systems and bureaucracy, all petty concerns, the world existed and would continue to exist, turning on its axis long after we’re all gone.
my little troubles were nothing in the face of such a dwarfing reality – that great expanse of burning, pleasantly indifferent sky – and that made me feel better.