i went to mount sinai’s ophthalmology clinic for an 11:15am appointment yesterday, having been referred there by the doctors at the emergency room the previous day. i woke up too late to shower and properly get ready, and i had half a mind to call and cancel the appointment, but i powered through, thinking that getting a second, perhaps more educated opinion on everything could never be a bad idea. and i was right.
at the clinic, i waited around for a while, but i was in and out in about an hour, which isn’t terrible. i was first seen by a doctor who seemed pretty green. he was young, cute – i could tell he was trying to be thorough and tackle things from every angle. he put numbing drops in my eyes – something i’ve never experienced before – and then got me to read a couple of lines of letters on a screen behind me through a mirror far away. it was difficult, and a huge machine was in partially obstructing my view, and i didn’t ask to move it in case it was part of the test. i think i did decently, but could’ve done better if that machine wasn’t in the way.
then he asked me to put my face in the giant machine – apparently some sort of specially designed microscope – rest my chin on a cushioned stand and lean forward, pressing my forehead against a bar, eyes open. the machine had a scope and light and the light would change colour as he examined my eye – “look at my right ear, look up, look straight forward, look up again, hmm.” some times, the scope would press into my eyeball – “don’t worry, your eyes are numb, but if you feel any discomfort, let me know” – measuring pressure or something, a very strange sensation.
he asked about my medical history, my concerns, he floated the idea of giving me antibiotics. he looked at the mychart i set up when i went to the emergency room, and i read over his shoulder that the swab they took the previous day came back negative for any presence of bacteria (a comfort). he said that to his knowledge, it was just a viral thing and i just needed artificial tears, but he told me it might take weeks for it to fully go away.
then he said he wanted to get one more person to look at me before sending me on my way. he left the room, saying he’d be back and came back in wearing a mask (he hadn’t been wearing one before), accompanied by a woman doctor also wearing a mask. i took this to mean that whatever they discussed out there led them to believe i was highly contagious.
the woman doctor tried to play it off by making a joke about how she had a kid in preschool, so she was probably the most dangerous person in the room. i managed to force a laugh. then she asked me to put my head back in the contraption and did a quick examination. she seemed to be correcting the greener doctor along the way, saying things like “where did you see that?” and “i’m not seeing what you saw, i think all of this is so and so and so and so.” i got the sense that the greener doctor was getting a bit embarrassed at being corrected.
eventually, she definitively diagnosed me with pink eye, saying that it would go away in a few days and in the meantime i should adopt a regimen of frequent handwashing, lots of artificial tears, and not touching my eyes. honestly, this was mostly a relief. i can very easily wash my hands frequently and put a few eye drops in my eyes every few hours (though not touching my eyes would be hard). i asked her if i needed to quarantine or cancel plans or anything and she said no, i just needed to wash my hands a lot.
after the diagnosis, she hurriedly left, leaving me alone with the first doctor. he was quiet and wouldn’t really look at me. i tried to make some friendly conversation and get his input, asking “should i still get those eye drops you recommended?” and all he said was, “yes.” still not looking at me. i said bye and he said bye, scribbling in his papers, and then i went to the rexall in mount sinai to pick up the eye drops. my eyes weren’t even that irritated, but the doctors said the allergy eye drops i’d gotten and been using since the day before were the wrong ones and accordingly hadn’t been very effective, so i was excited for anything that would help with the redness. today, my eyes are already so much better.
on my way home, i thought i should treat myself to lunch after the whole ordeal. i was thinking of going into the village by the grange to suss out some food options, but i felt bad about spending money while there was perfectly good food at home that my dad poured his sweat into making, so i decided to get a flat white at the library instead on the way home. i still don’t know if you’re supposed to tip at coffee shops, and i kind of resent that they’ve now made it a guilt-inducing option on the card readers.
as i was walking back home, i saw what seemed to be a street festival on mccaul, right by st. patrick’s church. i’d noticed it on my way to my appointment but didn’t have time to stop by, so i was glad it was still going. of course, i went to check it out and it turned out the church was having their annual community barbecue that day: free burgers (or sausages), bags of chips, drinks, even a raffle. it was so cute, and everyone seemed so friendly.
i stood in line and they ran out of burgers and the woman in front of me was boisterously going on about how she wouldn’t settle for a sausage (apparently she was a member of the church and was making jokes with all of the staff), so they directed us to get our burger buns dressed and then line up by the barbecues to get burgers right off the grill.
eventually, i got a burger and sat down to eat, and shortly after, a young woman named isabella came by and asked if she could sit with me. she was very sweet and we got to talking and i found out that she was in her fourth year of studying neuroscience at u of t, and she had moved here from ecuador for school.
soon after, a young man named byron asked to sit with us, and we learned he had just moved to toronto from ecuador in january for work at autodesk, the company othniel works at. coincidences on coincidences! the two of them bonded over ecuador and the struggles and joys of moving to toronto (one of the main struggles being the incredible relative cold, one of the joys being the genuine diversity of the city).
i learned that they were both church-goers, or at least, for isabella, she had been in ecuador, and it was nice to meet other young people of the faith. turns out byron is an occasional attendee of st. patrick’s church, and he said it was good. one of the staff members came to talk to us and let us know about a lecture series they were doing on current issues, like the climate crisis, political activism and ai.
i could tell that, like me, she was also very conscious of how modern society rightfully views the church. she really stressed that the lectures were not dogmatic or an attempt to control how anyone thinks or convince people any which way, but were simply an opportunity to grapple with the world’s most pressing problems with curiosity, through the lens of faith. i felt for her, having to justify, take a defensive approach, anticipate judgment, derision and/or polite (or not so polite) vitriol. there was something almost apologetic about the way she spoke about what the church was doing, and it made me realize i need to be prouder of the good work we do, while still conscious of the failures.
but i found the whole thing so encouraging. i’d been praying for a renewed closeness with God, to be drawn back to Him, to feel His presence again after a bit of a rocky week. i’d been praying for a refreshed sense of perspective, to know and trust the goodness of God’s ways above the shallow promises of this broken world – this world of image, self-indulgence and empty desire. i’d been praying to have the strength and conviction to recommit to better habits, to stop straying and failing, even when it’s hard. and this – this beautiful sunny day, these kind and welcoming people, the serendipity and joy of conversation and new connections – it was all so affirming.
walking home, it really felt like God was telling me not to worry, not to sweat the small stuff, because He is here, and even when it’s hard and i’m embarrassed about, well, perhaps not my faith, but the big C Church – there are people who understand, and the love that suffuses all the work will shine through. there are people out there fighting the good fight, and showing the world new possibilities of what the Church could be, what the good kingdom of God could look like here on earth, in this life – communities of mutual sacrifice and care, where all people, including and especially lowliest and “least of us”, can flourish and know relationship and genuine love, where grace and compassion rule over self-righteousness and self-preservation.
so i am excited again to do the work. i hope i am back on track.
