dirty little whirlwind, i'm pinned to the heart of your swirl.
DISCLAIMER: this is a personal blog (i just want to write about my life 😭) and does not necessarily reflect the views, opinions or perspectives of my employer or church.
i took a one hour nap today and spent the first half of it dodging nightmares and the second half reveling in dangerous fantasies.
suffice it to say that it didn’t really feel very restful, alternating between drowning and desire until the line was a little blurred.
i remember first hearing this song way back in 2014, at a friend’s 1920’s themed birthday party in montreal.
it was at an apartment full of artists and circus performers and the massive, open concept room was buzzing with with a frenetic but exciting electricity. everyone was young and beautiful and in costume, and everything felt charged and alive with possibility.
i remember someone did an aerial hoop performance at one point and i thought about all the small pockets of magic hidden all over the city that people could go their whole lives never finding, and not knowing any better.
the last, trumpet-filled stanzas of this song played as the birthday boy descended a flight of stairs, and then the music cut and he made a speech, and honestly, it was kind of a perfect moment – so much so that i remember it even all these years later.
i think i might’ve slept over that night, and when i woke up i found a handful of friends scattered across the apartment, with light spilling in through the windows and illuminating the charmed mess from the night before.
even the wreckage was tinted with something that elevated it beyond itself, and there was something serene and reminiscent of youth and past glory in the empty bottles and clothes strewn across the floor.
i told everyone i was just going to stop by for one drink at the bar after work on friday, and i ended up three or four drinks deep and following some of my coworkers to another bar for five more drinks, staying with them until about 10:30pm.
that’s a solid four and a half more hours than i’d planned on staying out with them, but it was okay because part of it was to say bye to a dear friend who will soon be leaving to go on her own australian adventure.
then i went home and hurriedly ate some instant noodles before sadiq picked me up in an uber to go to big primpin at round, where we danced and danced and got really sweaty.
it was fun, and on our walk home sadiq joked about how nobody ever tries anything with him when we go out just the two of us because everyone always assumes we’re dating.
i’m fine with that though. i feel like the days of going out and making out with random strangers is far behind me (though things still get a little messy from time to time if i’m being completely honest).
i was expecting the next night to be calm because i was tired and broke, but the universe had other plans.
camilla and i had dinner at blaze before meeting my sister at my parents’ house, where we set up a plan to go to big trouble down the street but ended up talking for too long and staying too late to avoid the semi-massive line that we’d found had formed by the time we got there.
so we meandered on over to cold tea, where we bumped into deanza, who was with a girl who knew the bartender (so she kept getting us all shots), and a guy who was a promoter at a new place called simon says.
long story short, we all ended up going to simon says, where we got free bottle service and partied with several complete strangers. someone called me a social slut at some point and i didn’t really know how to take it, so i decided to just own it.
it was fun, but i don’t remember leaving, and somewhere in between i managed to lose yet another piece of outerwear (a sweater i’ve had since probably high school that looks like a towel and brought me great comfort). i have to stop not caring about my things when i’m drunk. i think i must decide that simply carrying something – anything, even a wallet at one point in my life – is just too much, so i leave everything behind. maybe it has something to do with my parents instilling the wisdom that worldly posessions mean nothing early on in my childhood.
anyway, now the weekend is over and i’m already about $50 over budget for this week. i’m planning on getting dinner with friends on thursday, and going out on friday or saturday night for camilla’s/grace’s birthday, so that’ll also set me back.
i need a stronger sense of discipline, and i need to stop being so easily convinced to go/stay out. i tell myself i’ll only go if there’s a real reason – a birthday, for instance, or a last farewell before someone leaves for a very long time. the issue is that every weekend there always seems to be a new obligation, and i feel like i need to attend things to show that i care – even though realistically, nobody will be too hurt by my absence, an obed-shaped hole in an instagram post.
i’m going to have to think of a saving strategy and stick to it, because i really need to start saving up if i’m going to do any of the things i’m planning on doing and looking forward to.
i need to start thinking long term and stop letting drunk me make short-term, stupid decisions, like needlessly withdrawing a twenty dollar bill to spend on drinks i shouldn’t be having.
i know i always say this, but it’s time to grow up a little more.
it’s really funny how even though there seems to be a general agreement that toxic masculinity must be destroyed, whenever a hetero man dares to go against it y’all are SO quick to bombard him “gay but in the closet” and subject him to all kinds of weird ass fantasies, generalizations and stereotypes. ya’ll want the world to believe you understand that gender is a social construct, gender performance does not correlate with sex and sexuality is a spectrum rather than a static set of options, yet simultatenously you still act according to the concepts you claim to denounce. You still contribute to an environment that is hostile towards being comfortable with sexuality and gender. You still contribute to an environment where something right between the far sides of the sexual spectrum like bisexuality is cloaked in stigma. And ironically this makes gay men agents of toxic masculinity just as much as zealous straight men are. The sheer hypocrisy of it all is so gross – you demand acceptance of all sexualities yet also hostilize sexual comfort & freedom. I know there will always be people who are naturally resistant to generalizations and assumptions because thankfully they’re very comfortable with who and what they are. But if y’all stopped objectifying, sexualizing and fetishizing anyone not fitting into the straitjacket of sexuality & gender performance there would be so much MORE people that would find peace with themselves. And this includes making jokes or “lighthearted” memes about them. Even though they seem pretty harmless they’re still bricks in a system of prejudices and preconceptions. If u truly want to achieve actual sexual freedom for everyone, stop agressively projecting yourself & your sexual outlet onto others.
this is what goes on in my head whenever someone tells me someone’s “probably in the closet” or “hasn’t come out to himself yet.”
sadiq came back home (well – one of his many homes) to toronto today and we caught a late dinner and a couple of drinks.
it’s nice to know that i have a friend who will still forgive me for my faults and mend broken things, and make big things small with enough love and understanding.
hello, yes! it did, way back in the day! i think i took off embedded music once i changed my template the first time, but now i might look into bringing it back and just not have it autoplay since it’s always nice to share music but autoplay can be annoying.
i also had to change my template from the one before this because tumblr’s made it so that using custom templates is complicated, just in case anyone was wondering. i want to bring the old template back too.
and thank you for reminding me about that song! i’d completely forgotten about it until now, but listening to it again (the morgan page remix specifically) brought back a lot of memories and made me smile 🙂
it’s not raining here but i feel like it should be.
i keep seeing flashes of lightning somewhere in the distance, and hearing the thunder inevitably follow.
i think i’m going to revive this blog.
i was reading through posts i wrote throughout university yesterday, and i appreciated the fact that i was able to so easily access so many memories of things that had happened that i’d completely forgotten about. i loved reading them all, even if they were just notes on little every day nothings.
i’ve been journaling a lot to keep track of things, both on my laptop and, more intimately, in an actual physical, written journal. but sometimes it can be draining, and daunting. i usually only write when i’m feeling particularly emotional, or if i have to work through something, and trying to capture all that is a task in itself.
i’ve kind of forgotten what it’s like to write just for the sake of writing – to note down and preserve some tiny glimmer of an instance, or to track a passing thought and let it out into the world.
the storm has found its way, apparently.
it’s started to rain pretty heavily outside, and the sound of it is making me sleepy.
