dirty little whirlwind, i'm pinned to the heart of your swirl.
DISCLAIMER: this is a personal blog (i just want to write about my life 😭) and does not necessarily reflect the views, opinions or perspectives of my employer or church.
bit behind with blog updates, but went to my first dance class last monday (a kpop dance class at that!) and learned the prechorus and chorus to aespa’s lemonade! it was honestly a lot of fun and i’m planning on going again (though i sadly missed this monday’s class).
i also made friends with the instructor and a few people in the class, and even though they’re quite a bit younger than me, i look forward to seeing them again, making connections, expanding my horizons.
this is all part of a concerted effort to put myself out there more; do fun things, explore my hobbies, take advantage of what this city has to offer. i’ve come to realize that i spend more of my free time than i should just laying around at home, whiling the day away, when there’s so much out there.
i want to find a creative writing class. i want to explore offerings in the “free london” book i got a while back. i want to start going on long guided walks discovering different neighbourhoods again. see more shows, exhibitions, concerts. this city is brimming with all sorts of life i’ll never encounter just lying in my bedroom (even though that’s arguably my favourite activity).
but it’s also so, so hot this week, so i’ll leave all of the adventuring to next week, when it will hopefully be a more manageable temperature.
i spent £50 at primark basically on headwear, socks, and a pair of shoes
sunset from alex’s living room window
i walk by this james straffon art every day on my way to work
downtime at mereme
a view walking home from babysitting
burrata at krish’s bbq
starters
lamb tortilla skewers
homemade cookies
what i see walking home from the tube station
a fake cat in a fake window
lunch at mereme on sunday
at marylebone after st. mary’s evening service
fox sunbathing in the garden today
in vauxhall on my way back from my first ever dance class today
i love the japanese restaurant near my house
last week was consumed by playing saros, which is the kind of game that demands you keep going; onto the next boss, the next biome, just one more run – half an hour turning into an hour turning into hours. it ate up all of my free time, to the detriment of my reading, my writing, my updating this blog. but i beat it on saturday night so i’m back now.
here are some things i remember from last week:
– sunday –
my one searing memory from sunday is a deep sense of gratitude. i remember really thinking about how my life has been built on the generosity and kindness of others, how things seem to always work out even though i only ever step forward one foot at a time (i’ve never been one for a five-year plan), and i know it’s because so many people are looking out for me.
i am grateful for my life and for the people who make it possible.
– monday –
i remember waking up to the sound of softly falling rain. i’d slept in and it was already afternoon. went grocery shopping at my new local lidl and got a meal deal from sainsbury’s for lunch. nobody ever really thinks about how you have to adjust to new shopping habits when you move – to the often confusing layouts of stores you’ve never been to, to new trends of stock and inventory, learning what products you have access to, what you don’t, what brands and ingredients you might have to substitute.
later, i went to the gym, and after the gym i explored wood green mall; first the food court and then the primark, where i spent £50 on a bunch of hats, socks and a pair of shoes. i was basically raised in malls (my parents would take us to the eaton centre after church as kids to keep us entertained, and my first forrays into working life were in retail) so i find them comforting and familiar. i walked around with a big smile on my face, feeling a small sense of home, an unexpected swell of love.
i expect that whenever i feel lonely, i’ll ony have to walk the ten or so minutes to the mall to feel a little bit better. i’ll sit in the food court, i’ll write in my journal, i’ll pretend my mom’s just gone to the bathroom and will be back soon.
sometimes it can be hard being so far from home.
– friday –
after break bread (which was delightfully busy!), i went to mereme for some downtime, to read and have coffee. reading at a coffee shop with a nice cup of coffee is such a simple but invaluable pleasure. it elevates any day, at least for me.
i hadn’t been to mereme in a while since i’ve moved away so i was looking forward to seeing the owners, one of whom i thought had a minor crush on me (not a real crush, the owners are a couple), but he was a bit cold and distant while taking my order. it knocked me down a couple of pegs, and when i sat down, i journaled about how i’d been humbled and i need to stop being so delusional (even though i love being delusional).
this is an actual excerpt from my journal that day:
I’m in Mereme, was looking forward to this, a warm greeting, maybe a form of recognition – but Slim was a bit cold, maybe stressed
“How are you guys?” And he said, “Busy.”
One word, and then he started busying himself with his phone. And maybe that’s a good thing, to humble me a little bit. I create silly famtasies in my head, fuel a dangerous and misguided delusion of my own beauty and irresistability, but at the end of the day, I’m just a person, just another customer, another face in an endless sea of faces.
but then, later, slim gave me some free baklava and sat down to have a quick catch up with me, and i thought, well, maybe i’m not so delusional after all. maybe it’s a fun, whimsical and appropriate level of delusion.
if i were to start a perfume line, maybe i’d call it “whimsical delusion – eau de parfum.”
unrelated, but here’s another excerpt from my journal that day:
Life is full of choices, of forking roads that branch out into the paths we take and the lives left unlived, filled with questions and lingering possibilities.
We make a choice and it becomes one facet of a diamond spinning in the dark. And every other facet exists as a part of ourselves, a sense of possibility that lives glimmering within us.
At least, I would like to think so. I would like to believe that nothing is wasted.
in the evening, i babysat for jeni and tim and thought about how different my life is from my life in toronto, how things have changed. on a typical friday night in toronto, i’d be getting ready to go out with friends, downing shots and preparing to be whisked away by the night.
instead, i sat and ate takeout, read a book, marvelled at how nice and powerful jeni and tim’s living room lamp was. and later, as i walked home, i was struck by the lovely quality of distant light in the darkening sky, the abundance of green from the surrounding trees and herbage. it was so peaceful.
– saturday –
i slept in again, woke up at about 2PM and went to krish’s housewarming party, which oonagh kindly invited me to. his new place is literally about a 5-minute walk from where i used to live, also in finsbury park. on the way there, i stopped at pretty shiny shop to get a housewarming present. i settled on a kitschy dish towel that said “My favourite salad is wine”. i figured, like underwear and socks, one can never have too many dish towels.
i’m not sure what i was expecting, but i was pleasantly surprised and impressed by the party. krish’s new place is beautiful, with a huge back garden where he was having a barbecue.
maybe when i hear “housewarming party” i still think of the parties people used to have in university when they’d move into a house together – basically just another excuse to get a bunch of people together to binge drink and get a little wild – messy, high-octane and chaotic; loud music, dim rooms and a bit of a blur of names and faces and hands.
but we’ve all grown up and krish’s party was a grown up affair, with parents and kids, an extensive menu written on a chalkboard, and everyone behaving sensibly, maturely – no sign of the chaos and disorder of our youth. everything was pristine and well thought out, the sun was shining, everyone was in a good mood.
i can’t tell if i miss the constant haze of montreal, but i think i’m happy with this new form of contentment. there was a time when i craved staying out and living in the buzz of an endless night, but i’ve reached a point where it’s nice to get home at a reasonable hour and have enough time to wind down.
sometimes i worry i’ve lost a sense of adventure, but i realize i often conflate adventure with recklessness and instability. it’s okay to have new kinds of adventure. slowly, i am seeing new things grow.
alex and his family had a spare ticket to prom praise last saturday and i snagged it to go with them and it was so beautiful. wordpress doesn’t have a native video slideshow functionality and i’m too lazy to find and set up a plugin for a workaround, so here are three videos from the night:
we love a good gospel.this was so pretty i teared up and i saw the guy behind me tearing up too 🥲you can see people stand unprompted during the blessing, and it was so nice singing all together 🥹
i really love worship music and find it very moving, but sometimes it makes me think of this meme 😂:
but in all seriousness, it was a really beautiful night!
yesterday evening, i was on a bus on my way to a deanery synod meeting, minding my own business with my kindle out, when a much older man came onto the bus and sat right next to me, pressing up against me, even though there were several other empty seats available.
he started talking to me, asking me where i’m from, then hinting at something suggestive and seedy. i had my airpods in and was clearly trying to read and this man was still in my space, badgering me. he kept talking so i took out an airpod and turned to face him.
“you live around here?” “no I live in finsbury park.” “ah, finsbury park, you go to the park a lot?” “no.” “maybe see you at the park tomorrow?”
and then lecherous eyes, a crooked almost-sneer, and i said, for some inexplicable reason, “maybe,” instead of just flat out shutting him down.
i don’t why i do that in these horrible situations. i don’t know why i seem to play mildly along, suddenly incapable of standing up for myself, instead of telling these men off or simply getting up and moving away.
i think i’m afraid of offending people, of making anyone feel bad for anything. and i simply endure, knowing i can bear it, instead of risk anything escalating, or maybe making a scene. but that’s the wrong way to go about it. anything less than telling these people off, maybe even yelling at them, is an encouragement. next time, i will make a scene, so they know what they’re doing is wrong, for the sake of anyone else in my position.
but knowing men like this, it will do little to discourage them anyway. these men are insane. he just kept saying “you’re nice, you’re nice,” as i looked out the window, and finally he got off.
i wonder what the success rate is for stunts like this. cruising culture suggests that some guys might actually be receptive to these advances. but i need to start telling people that i for one am not.
maybe i should go ahead and burn my “i think we should kiss” cap. i’m sure it didn’t help the situation at all.
the gym i now go to is attached to a wendy’s and a five guys, which is so dangerous. i did a workout, even did a little run at the end, and then immediately went to wendy’s because i hadn’t had it in years. i wanted to remember what it tasted like.
it was…not good. i posted as much on my story and a few people said that it’s good in canada. honestly, i don’t remember it being particularly good there either, or i feel like would’ve eaten it more? so i put a poll up asking if wendy’s is good in canada and right now it’s split 50/50 with 18 votes. i’m going to have to try it next time i’m home and give a verdict.
saw a rainbow as i walked home from the gym. i actually feel quite sad for the lgbt+ community, what with the rise of right wing and conservative strains of homophobia across the globe. it feels like we’re taking steps backwards.
i saw an instagram post about how london’s only reform council has cancelled an annual pride flag ceremony and will pull funding for future pride events. support for same-sex marriage among adults in the u.s. has declined for the first time since 2023 (largely due to decreased acceptance among republicans, with only 37% in favour of it).
i actually don’t care about traditional marriage (as long as there is an available equivalent structure that provides the same legal protections, rights, and even blessing, etc.), the straights can keep that if they’re so up in arms about it, but i do think it speaks to a growing culture of disenfranchisement and othering – a stripping of public visibility and coordinated efforts to disempower and do away with.
add to this things like book bans, the demonisation of trans people, the positioning of queer culture as inherently dangerous for traditional families, etc. etc. etc., and it’s feeling really bleak. but it’s important to not lose hope, to know that tides turn, and truth and love will always, in the end, prevail.
humanity is diverse. queer people have always existed and will always continue to exist, regardless of whatever forces try to stomp us out. we add so much colour and magic to the world, and we’re hated for it; so many people find this particular vibrancy so threatening, afraid of their own realities shattering by the mere proximity to something different or new.
but we are beautifully resilient, and our spirit will endure no matter what comes our way. at least, that is what i cling to when things are feeling a bit dark. gotta keep fighting the good fight.
fell for yet another instagram ad and impulse bought a hat that i thought was charming and cute. if i wear it around enough, i wonder how long it’ll take until i get an offer from a stranger.
i found myself locked into my flat today as i was trying to leave for work and faced slowly rising panic. my flatmate miranda came down to look at it too and we couldn’t figure it out. i knew it had something to do with the black button on the lock, but pressing it didn’t do anything and we concluded it must be jammed.
there was no escape through the back garden, surrounded by the back gardens of other flats, so i ended up crawling through my bedroom window to get to work. texted george about it and he said to hold fire on calling a locksmith until he could come and see it. he said he’d come in the evening.
after work, miranda let me in through the window again, and eventually, george came in that way too. he took one look at the lock, slid the little black button down, and the door immediately opened. just earlier today i had a conversation about how i hate seeming incompetent and dumb, and this was honestly a hilariously humbling moment for me. knocked me down a few pegs and let me know i shouldn’t take myself too seriously.
george and i laughed and laughed and he made a joke about how i was just pretending to have a broken lock so he’d come over more urgently and build the rest of the furniture i need. honestly, it was a blessing in disguise because he eneded up building and setting up both the mirrored cabinet for the bathroom and the chest of drawers in my room (and also making some recommendations on what else i can do down the line to make my room more functional and homey).
now i’m fully set up, fully unpacked, and fully at home. i feel like i can breathe easy and relax, really settle in. i found my lorde wig while i was unpacking and put it on while i finished unpacking the rest of my stuff, and then had a bit of a photoshoot in the new mirrored bathroom cabinet. it’s really not a very good wig.
seems like everything is falling into place. my sister and i have been texting about a trip we have in july – cornwall, provence, paris – so many things to look forward to. maybe i’ll wear my new hat in the city of love, see if a handsome french man with an irresistable accent will come and sweep me off my feet in front of the louvre.
it’s officially the first day of the latter half of the year and everything is new new new. feels like time has really flown by.
i’ve moved into a new flat, spent basically all of saturday building and seting up furniture. made a cozy lil nook by the window of my ground floor room. i actually don’t mind living on the ground floor because it feels weirdly private, even though my room shares a wall with the living room. i also love the easy access to the kitchen.
for my lil nook, i had a vision in my head of a little desk and bookshelf so i’m glad that materialized. now all i have to set up are a chest of drawers for a little alcove in my room, and a mirrored double cabinet for the bathroom. once that’s done and i’ve finally unpacked the rest of my stuff, then i think it’ll finally truly feel like home.
i also went to my new home gym for the first time and it was nice. it was the first time i’d been to the gym since last monday, i’ve been so busy with the move and everything. i feel like i haven’t been living my real life. it’s a bit dangerous though because the gym connects to both a wendy’s and a five guys. a bit insane.
i went back to my old flat in finsbury park to remove a couple last bags of rubbish from my room. to get to my old flat, i had to wade through the wreckage of the arsenal parade that happened yesterday. everyone keeps saying that over 1.5 million people showed up (apparently it was the largest parade ever held in the uk) but i’m not sure where they’re getting those numbers from (edit: supposedly it was confirmed by the metropolitan police).
i for one avoided the whole thing completely. i could not care less about football. everyone thinks christianity’s a cult, but somehow rabid football fans get a pass even though it’s literally so inconsequential to real life. i guess there’s something to be said about bolstering the human spirit and giving people something to look forward to and get excited about, but i truly don’t get it at all. maybe the parallel with religion is a good one for me to consider to try to understand.
anyway, the streets were littered with piles and piles of rubbish, it was abysmal. i took a photo of not even a particularly bad bit. i had lunch at the tonkotsu right at finsbury park station and the woman working there said they’d prepared for a lot of rushes, but they actually didn’t get that much business. she said they saw more business on a typical bank holiday. crowds and crowds of people passed by, but not many came in.
“you would think that if there were really a million people, some of them would have to eat!” she said, confused.
but that wasn’t the spirit of the day. nobody was looking for a nice, calm, relaxing meal. i imagine everyone was restless and buzzing, looking to be in the electric crowd. no time for food.
at my old flat, my ex-landlord asked if i wanted a ride back to my place with my bags of rubbish, and i declined. unfortunately, things had soured between us by the time i moved out. i think each of us finds the other to be a bit difficult and rigid in perspective.
i remember once a couple of months ago, i brought up the fact that we’d been missing toilet paper for about a week. at that point, it was known that he bought all the supplies and did all the cleaning; he’s older and retired and has a lot of time. i actually offered to pitch in with the cleaning when i first moved in but he’d said he preferred to do it himself because he was rather particular. so it was understood that he did all the cleaning and bought all the cleaning supplies and that was kind of worked into our rent, and this is how it was for over a year.
so i asked him about the toilet paper, saying i could grab some if he was feeling ill or something, and he said, “i was waiting for one of you to bring that up. i wanted to see how long it took before anyone noticed, but i think i’m going to start getting you all to pitch in a little more. i feel like i’m being taken for granted.”
playing passive agressive games as if the three grown men he has as tenants are little children who have to be taught a lesson.
i told him i didn’t appreciate the indirect way he went about communicating this, and that it actually wasn’t my responsibility to read his mind and guess that suddenly things had changed even though we’d been living with given expectations for over a year. i said if i’d been feeling taken for granted or whatever and if there was some sort of problem, i’d let the people involved know, like a mature adult, and work towards some sort of solution or understanding.
then the conversation devolved into him saying that nobody ever thanked him for the work he does to improve the house. i told him that those improvements were for the longevity of the house he owns (and has an invested stake in), that any improvements were at best marginal for my day to day, and that actually the inconvenience of the work being done (shutting down the kitchen for a week, not being able to shower for certain time periods, etc.) actually outweighed any improvement to my life – so no, i wasn’t feeling particularly grateful and i wasn’t going to fake it to people please.
i did say something along the lines of, “i’m sorry you’ve been feeling underappreciated or that you’ve been taken for granted, because that’s not nice.”
but i maintained that the work he’d done to the house was more for him than anyone else and was carried out with no input from any of us tenants, so i’m not really sure what warranted a big show of thanks.
anyway, i don’t think he appreciated my honesty. such is the british way, i guess. definitely a culture clash with what seems to be my more direct north american sensibilities. i just figure, why wallow with all of you’re negative emotions and perspectives? they’re just going to fester, turn rancid, and build self-righteous resentments. don’t you want to give them the opportunity to at least be addressed, if not outright resolved?
i did feel bad though. he’s getting older (i think he turned 70 this year) and i think i could’ve been gentler in my rebuttals. sometimes maybe it’s okay to concede, to just say sorry or thank you. but actually maybe it’s never too late to learn when you’re being immature and unreasonable? i’m still learning when to pick my battles.
in the end, it was kind of a blessing that the arsenal parade happened yesterday and left so much trash on the streets. instead of carrying my heavy bags of rubbish all the way home, i simply left them with another pile of rubbish that was already there. what’s two more bags of rubbish on a pile of 6 bags? surely the city has prepared to clean up more than usual.
recording for posterity’s sake so i remember nice things: after clearing the rubbish from my room, i went to eva cafe to claim a free drink (with my loyalty card) and read. got some ground beans that i later used with the grinder and french press that lydia and david gave me (a game changer).
as i was leaving, the barista told me to hold on a second – he wanted me to taste test the strawberry puree they just got in that they’re going to use to make strawberry lemonade. he effectively gave me a free drink. last time i was at eva cafe, they gave me a free pain au chocolat. i love that place, and everyone who works there. i also lovd free things, so that helps.
i have a good feeling about the next half of this year. i have a couple fun things planned for the summer, and it feels like things are going to really start opening up in new ways. i want to get back to my new year’s resolution of getting good at being bored, of relishing quiet and true mindful presence.
chatted with my family and a frew frineds in canada and realized that those relationships will always sustain me as i carve out a path here. i think i need to make more of an effort in this city. i need to save and spend in more meaningful ways. i want to see things and do things and meet people. i want the bursting, invigorating life of real connection.
when two people meet, it’s like two galaxies colliding – all sorts of magic and possibility explode onto the surface, little supernovas blast through the ordinary to make something new and unpredictable. i want to remember that and not take it for granted. i want to venture into the hidden depths.
2am and i’m tired tired tired, but i wanted to make a quick note to say that i’ve moved into my new home in turnpike lane!
charlie (and his friend jake) helped me move before they head off to japan tomorrow. bought them (and sam) dinner at the chinese buffet on stroud green to say thank you. weirdly kept talking politics and religion with jake, and i found myself putting on airs. when i think i’m getting perceived a certain way, it jars me and i end up subconsciously playing into it or trying to subvert it. i’m not exactly sure what i mean, but i felt…not nervous, but somehow not completely natural. maybe i get like that when i’m feeling judged, and now that i think about it, maybe i was feeling judged by sam.
the topic of sex before marriage came up again (as it seems to somehow always come up in smaller settings with sam for some reason) and i posited that there are actually sex-positive interpretations of the bible that value covenantal love over the legalistic signing of a marriage certificate, and that there might not be anything inherently wrong with sex before marriage between two loving, consenting, committed adults (i know, hot take, maybe even heresy).
honestly, i’m on a journey of exploring purity and obedience etc. etc. etc. and refraining from casual sex anyway, but i hate how sex seems to be the hill that christians die on, the absolute barometer for gauging spiritual health when actually, in the grand scheme of things, i just don’t think it’s that big of a deal either way. gotta look into it, but i feel like Jesus didn’t say much about premarital sex? He seemed much more preoccupied with caring for the poor and outcast, so should we not follow that example?
like, why is the church so obsessed with sex, and so incredibly judgmental about it, i’m so over it. and i hate that someone will perceive me as somehow less faithful or completely spiritually misguided because i simply don’t really care whether or not people bang before they’ve signed a marriage certificate, when honestly it’s none of my business anyway. and i’m tired of the holier-than-thou, self-righteous attitude of superiority christians have over others because they might not have the same attitude towards sex.
on the flipside, i know how destructive and destabilizing sex can be outside of a healthy, loving, committed relationship, so i kind of get it. but something tells me that’s not quite what the typical conservative christian is worried about. it feels less like genuine care and concern and more like yet another thing to hit people over the head with, a way of setting oneself apart as somehow better, purer.
anyway, end rant. i was probably just being defensive because i have a chip on my shoulder when it comes to religious judgment and hypocrisy. i think i feel the need to side with people who get judged for having sex, and stand by them.
i’m excited to live in the neighbourhood where i’m working. i hope it’ll make it easier to meet people and get better integrated into the community. i have a good feeling about it and i’m excited. i have visions of going to the farmers’ market on saturdays, joining a park run, sitting and writing at the local cafes.
funnily enough, i’m reading josh silver’s novel “fruit fly” right now, and one of the main characters is a gay drug-addicted sex worker living in a halfway house in turnpike lane, so there’s a claim to fame. how exciting!
i’m also happy to be living close to a mall, because i miss malls. my first jobs were in malls. i lived next to a mall in toronto and it was so incredibly convenient. perhaps i’m more of a capitalist shill than i care to admit 😔
it is so, so hot in london right now. apparently it’s only 26 degrees celsius but i feel so much hotter than i ever feel in toronto because this city isn’t built for the heat. virtually none of the buildings have air conditioning so it’s up to our bodies to regulate the temperature, and i think the general consensus is that they are not up to the task. i’m lying naked in bed, staring out my bedroom window at the bright blue sky, the glaring 7pm light burning buildings across the street.
most of thursday was spent setting up my shitty temporary phone while waiting for my insurance-covered replacement phone to arrive on friday. went to the o2 shop on holloway road and the guy who helped me was really friendly and hilarious (shout out to o’dane). my sim card was free, so i asked if it would help if i left a good google review for the trouble, and he said:
“oh my god yes please. there was another shop down the road that was shit and closed down and this one opened up, but we got stuck with their shitty reviews.”
so i left a review. i’ve actually been getting into the habit of leaving good reviews when i like a place. makes me feel like i’m doing a good thing.
thursday evening i watched kokuho, and it was amazing. visually, it was stunning, and what an incredible glimpse into such a fascinating and esoteric world – the art of kabuki. the narrative follows two young, competing onnagata (men who specialize in playing female roles, as women were historically banned from performing) on their rise to fame – it’s a story about brotherhood, loyalty, and the sacrifices one makes in pursuit of honing a craft to perfection. made me wish i was as devoted to anything in my life, but also grateful that i’m not, because that kind of devotion comes at a cost.
at about a 3-hour runtime, it was quite long, but i didn’t mind. the whole experience was so beautiful, and they used snippets of show-stopping kabuki performances as set pieces. the respect and love for the art was so palpable, i can understand why it’s now the highest-grossing japanese live-action film of all time. anyone who loves beautiful filmmaking will love it.
went to selina’s first birthday party on saturday and it was very sweet. lots of young families with their young babies. i find babies so fascinating, i always want to know what they’re thinking, how they’re experiencing the world. everything must be so new, and time must move so slowly.
there was a cute dad there that i had a crush on. we talked for a while and there was kind of a flirty vibe if i’m being honest, but i think i bring that out in people. we all need a little validation now and again, and i don’t mind being a boost in someone’s confidence. no harm in an innocent crush and some light flirting when everyone knows it’s a dead end. call it a form of practice, a little dance that can give a moment a bit of edge.
to be completely honest, i wish gay guys would flirt with me as much as straight guys do. i’ve been out of the game for too long and i know i’m rusty.
because i watched kokuho and had recently read hooked, i decided to treat myself to a nice japanese dinner on saturday night to satisfy a craving. went to itto on stroud green for the first time and it was honestly very nice, if maybe a bit overpriced. had the itto bento box (“spicy prawns, clams and squid, prawn tempura, edamame, mooli”), which was delicious. i also ordered the chef’s roll thinking it wouldn’t be enough food, but i ended up packing those up in a to-go box because the bento box was actually quite filling.
it was so hot that even though it was late evening and the sun had already set, i could still feel myself sweating as i sat and waited for my food. i poured myself glass after glass of water, trying to distract myself from the heat with my kindle.
across from me, three women sat around a table talking animatedly, gesturing, leaning in, listening, laughing. sometimes i think i need more friends in this city. i tell everyone that it’s hard to make friends in london and everyone i speak to, local and foreign alike, confirms.
sometimes i think it’s a me problem. i’ve always felt one degree separated – somehow slightly disconnected – from any group of friends i’ve ever been a part of. i remember in high school and university feeling like a bit of a satellite, orbiting other friend groups, jumping from planet to planet, and while being for the most part welcomed in, never quite feeling as at home as everyone else seemed to be in the group. maybe that’s not fair to the close friends i do have, who are actually many and who i dearly love. it’s definitely a me thing.
at the pub on monday night, someone told me i have walls up. i don’t feel like i do, but maybe you don’t notice when you do? maybe she’s right. truthfully, i want to go to therapy and talk my way to the bottom of things, see if there’s anything from my childhood (according to “couple’s therapy” and “where should we begin“, it’s always childhood) that’s getting in the way. i want to get hypnotized in case i’m repressing anything, but i’m also afraid i’d just start unconsciously making things up, and then i’d get treatment for something that’s not even real, a whole set of dynamics based on complete fiction, once again making problems where there are none.
today was my church’s annual parochial church meeting, and it was swift and painless. it’s crazy to think that it’s been less than a year since i started working there. i feel like i’ve already changed so much.
i move into the neighbourhood this week and i have a really good feeling about it. i think this summer is going to be wonderful and dreamy, and i feel ready for my heart to open up in new ways. life is so mysterious and unpredictable.
after the meeting, maya and i went to gurmani for lunch. finally had the khachapuri (boat-shaped bread stuffed with white cheese, topped with egg and butter) and it did not disappoint. bread, cheese, butter – hard to go wrong with a recipe like that.
and once again, we were sweltering, pouring glass after glass of water, downing coca-colas. there’s something about coca-cola that’s so refreshing in the heat, and i don’t know what it is. i remember going to italy with bram and constantly having to buy bottles of it to cool down. that’s actually a happy memory for me, a nice association. wandering beautiful streets with a beautiful boy, not a care in the world but for the next bottle of coca-cola.
might keep this japanese cuisine kick going and go back to tonkotsu for their summer ramen for dinner. how often do you have to treat yourself before it stops being considered a treat?
someone stole my phone today so here’s a photo i took on photobooth on my mac 🙂
it was my damn pants (trousers, for those of you in the uk). the pockets were too loose. this morning, as i was leaving my house, i literally thought to myself, ‘these pockets feel loose, better watch out for my phone,’ effectively choosing style (they’re not even stylish pants 😭) over security.
and by the end of the day, all of that caution and attentiveness had vanished.
after work, as soon as i got out of the train at finsbury park, i knew my phone had fallen out of my pocket. i immediately went back into the train to see if it was on the seat, and someone who’d been sitting across from me said that he saw someone take it and leave. another guy on the platform said he thought he saw the thief dart across, and so i went across to the victoria line and another guy who’d been sitting across from me told me he saw the thief head upstairs. and then the music in my airpods cut out so i knew the phone was out of range. it all happened really fast, and by the time i went upstairs, i’d made peace with the knowledge that i was never going to get the phone back.
these criminals are professionals who know what they’re doing – slick cogs in a larger, well-oiled machine, a whole infamous network of practiced petty theft. i couldn’t even tell which exit he might’ve taken.
i went and spoke to one of the tube employees and she was really kind. she let me try to log into my apple id on her phone so i could try to track my phone (“i know all these guys go behind those buildings over there on blackstock, but don’t ever go there alone”), but apparently i’d activated 2-factor authentication, so no luck.
when i got home, i emailed my bank to make sure all my cards were canceled and my bank app was logged out of my phone, and then filed a police report and an insurance claim. my flatmate was kind enough to lend me his phone so i could deal with everything.
i forgot i’d made sure to get theft-covered phone insurance last time my phone was stolen (this is my third phone to be stolen in this unforgiving city), and i was so ready to go to the apple store and just drop an obscene amount of money to have a new phone tonight (i don’t feel truly secure and comfortable until all of my technology [which is really just an extension of myself] is sorted), but now i can basically have it replaced for only £75, which is honestly a blessing. it’s just going to take a couple of days. thankfully, i have my backup iphone se to use in the meantime.
i was weirdly calm through the whole ordeal. i think the first time my phone was stolen in london was so traumatic and stressful (a story for another day) that now every other phone theft experience feels easy peasy, run-of-the-mill (which is pretty sad, what a horrible routine). i’m also happy i’m not going to have to pay so much money to have it replaced. i missed hub tonight to do damage control though, which is a shame because i was looking forward to seeing my friends.
in other news, a-h-a organized a pub social with the st. savs lgbt+ network on monday night, to gather after what’s been a bit of a tricky moment, and it was really encouraging. it was nice to see so many people i hadn’t seen in a while, as well as several familiar faces, and feel the love. had a lot of really tender chats, and at the end, before everyone left, they all gathered around and alex p prayed for me. i felt truly held and i gave a few words of appreciation and encouragement in return.
this morning, we had our first midweek eucharist at church and honestly it was really special. it turns out i can actually appreciate a more traditional service; it was contemplative and reverential, and there was something really beautiful about the quiet and stillness, a different quality to the familiar space.
a few members of the established congregation showed up and stayed after for open doors and it was genuinely so nice to get to know them more. running around on sunday, i’ve only ever really been able to greet them – say a few words, exchange simple pleasantries – so it was nice to sit down for a while and have the chance to really talk. it truly felt like a bit of a breakthrough, and an encouragement for things to come: new dimensions of relationship, forms of connection opening up, a space that serves a purpose.
anyway, it’s late and i have to go get a new sim in the morning, but i’m going to make a decaf coffee, grab a couple of biscuits and watch a couple of episodes of the new season of couple’s therapy. i need to wind down. i think i’m going to work a half day tomorrow because everything’s been a lot.
but strangely, i’m genuinely happy. even though someone stole my phone today, i feel protected, like someone’s watching over me. things weren’t as bad as they could’ve been, and even through the whole thing, i experienced the kindness of strangers. my heart is full and somehow made stronger; a path seems to crystallize, and i carry a weathered but enduring hope into the brand-new day.
yesterday was the “reclaiming belonging” conference at st. john’s church – a day conference exploring how to maintain scriptural integrity while championing the full participation of lgbtq+ people in the life of the church (we’ve been planning on going to this conference for months and now the timing of it seems so fortuitous 👀).
according to their website:
Scriptural integrity is often pitted against the celebration of LGBTQ+ communities and their full inclusion in all aspects of church life. This tension is particularly apparent in current debates around the Blessing of same sex relationships within the Church of England. ‘Reclaiming Belonging’ is a day conference for anyone wanting to explore how to maintain Scriptural integrity whilst championing the full participation of LGBTQ+ people in the life of the church. Together, we’ll be re-examining traditional interpretations of Scripture through an expansive and compassionate lens, to propose that celebrating and including LGBTQ+ people is what it means to be faithful to the God revealed in the Bible.
it was a day full of important learning and conversation. chris and i led worship (meaning i woke up earlier than i’ve woken up in probably weeks [6:45am lol]) and it was a really beautiful, intimate and encouraging way to spend the morning and afternoon.
i’d previously read jonathan tallon’s book, so i already knew the information he discussed during his keynote session on Romans 1, but it was a nice reminder of how important it is to engage with scripture critically and not just take it at its plain-text face value. when you don’t dive deeper and seek true understanding, you do yourself a disservice. the Bible is not something you should approach simplistically. it’s the living word. it’s meant to be wrestled with, pondered, uncovered, layer by layer, across time – and even then, so much remains a mystery, there’s always so much more to learn. but conversely, even then, God’s message of radical, inclusive love shines through.
the session exploring the good fruit of inclusive churches was really encouraging. the speaker told stories of churches that have “fully and joyfully embraced lgbtq+ people and families and are gloriously fruitful and thriving”. and yet, at the end, when people around the room were sharing their own stories of encouragement, i felt the need to point out the urgency of creating inclusive spaces not just to bear good fruit, but also to avoid the bad fruit of non-affirming spaces that refuse to embrace, celebrate and honour the full humanity of lgbtq+ people in the same way as their heterosexual counterparts.
later, at lunch, a mother came up to me and thanked me for what i said. apparently, her daughter had been very involved at a non-affirming church while secretly being in a same-sex relationship. the leaders at her church would tell her things like she was full of the spirit and that God was with her. but when they found out about her girlfriend a few months later, they rejected her, forcing her to either end her relationship or leave the church.
when she argued that they’d previously told her how spirit-filled she was, they said that that was before she went into this relationship, and since then, she’d “fallen from grace.” those were apparently their exact words. and when she told them she’d been in the relationship the whole time and they just didn’t know about it, they just said they’d been wrong about her then. and so she left that church, heartbroken and abandoned. thankfully, she was able to find a church that fully accepted and honoured her.
honestly, while the conference was encouraging (sadly, it already means so much that we can even have conferences like this), it also made it so clear that in this institution where lgbt+ people are simply fighting to be recognized as people who truly love God and others, it’s always going to be an uphill battle. how do you begin to build unity with people who don’t even recognize your full humanity? it would be easy to succumb to a defeatist attitude, but for some reason, through grappling with all of this, i’ve come to realize that at the end of the day, i have faith that God can still make what seems impossible possible, and that love will have the last word.
during dinner with nellie the other night, she posited that in all actuality, lgbt+ people who stay in the church should be the most respected, because their faith is hard-fought and hard-won. there is no good reason any queer person would stay in an institution that broadly and openly hates them (or at least, does not fully love or include them) – especially the church, which is perhaps the best-known institution in the modern western world that so obviously and vehemently discriminates against lgbt+ people – unless they have real faith.
and i have real faith. if, as my sister puts it, God’s love is enacted through community and relationship with others, then i will stay in community and in relationship with others, even when that community can sometimes hurt. i stay in the church because i believe in a force of love that is higher, stronger and more important than the sad brokenness that flawed people bring to the table. i believe this is a love worth fighting for and it is a love that will win.
this conference was actually canceled last year and postponed to yesterday, and i feel like the timing has to be more than just a coincidence. so many things have been happening recently that shake me out of my complacency, that renew a sense of urgency, that force me to face a hard reality but also hope to be some small spark of change. and it all makes me think of one of my favourite verses:
“I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.”
– 2 Timothy 4:7
to me, pursuing the full inclusion of lgbt+ people in the church, hoping we can all one day live in the fullness of love and life God has for us, is part of fighting the good fight, running the race, and keeping the faith.
later, maya and i had dinner at mereme during their first dinner service. it was so lovely – such a change in vibe from their usual coffee shop set up. it was albanian-inspired small plates, orange wine (a passionfruit soda for me), a dj, low lighting – maya said this was the vibe that made living in london worth it. i’ve kind of made friends with the owners, ioni and slim, since i get coffee and read there so much, and they were so excited and happy, it was wonderful to see. maya said you can tell they really care about what they’re doing and it’s so refreshing that it isn’t just one of those soulless, corporate-hipster money grabs.
after dinner, we went back to my place and watched “apex” on netflix. a very netflix thriller in the sense that it’s simple, easy, vaguely entertaining watching with little to no depth or demand for complex thinking. which is exactly what we were in the mood for.
and today, we had our first church summer bbq, which was honestly so joyful. chris was a little bit stressed because we were expecting a bit of an influx of people visiting from st. savs, and with the bbq happening there was a lot going on, but it all pulled together in the end.
during our pre-service prayer meeting, i prayed a blessing over the bbq – for good weather and joy – and honestly, it felt like those prayers were answered. it thankfully didn’t rain, and so many people brought food – the spread was amazing. there was a true sense of community, of everyone chipping in and being able to enjoy time together. the woman i helped out on wednesday even showed up and stayed for the bbq, and she said that everyone she met was so welcoming and kind to her, and she was going to invite friends to start coming as well.
i thought about how it’s little things like these that make all of it – all of the struggle, all of the pain, all of the uncertainty – worth it and give me hope. this is the good fruit. this is all sorts of love rising to the surface.
i think i’m at a point of peace with everything. i can look at my past and recognize the damage, but i don’t have to remain in the bitterness of that place. i can hold my head proudly knowing how far i’ve come, i can live with the scars and not let them define me. and though the church really hurt me, it’s helping to heal me too, even if there’s still a long way to go. i can live life now choosing to look forward while honouring the little boy i once was, choosing to live fully, pursuing healing and wholeness, for myself and others, for him.
but that’s not to say these past couple of weeks haven’t been a bit draining. i missed a concert on friday because i wasn’t in the mood to go. i took a nap from 7pm-9pm today and now i’m a bit disoriented. so if anyone wants to say a prayer for me, please let it be that i might be able to recoup some energy and rest 🙏
i had a little bit of a breakdown at work today (thankfully, i was alone). a friend called and told me about how some people have been spinning what happened last tuesday, that maybe i was blowing everything out of proportion, that people were just trying to pray and be nice. i think, honestly, he was kidding for the most part, but we did seriously talk about how people are just trying to do what they think is right, and if they truly believe that sex outside of a heterosexual framework is not only not right but actually dangerous, they feel that the responsible thing to do is not accept or allow it.
i personally find this view incredibly self-righteous, judgmental and patronizing, as if you and your ilk are the only ones who truly know and understand God, and i think the people who hold this view have the privilege of being able to ignore all the outworkings of harm – all the little deaths and actual deaths – it causes. i just cannot understand how you can think you’re nurturing anyone’s spirit or sense of self or fullness of life by telling them the way they experience and express love is unnatural and wrong.
after the call, i went to go make an instant coffee, and while i was thinking of my own fractured experience of struggling with my sexuality while being around people who were only trying to do right by God and others, i said this out loud, to no one:
i just wish someone had told me i was good.
and, to my surprise (and utter horror), i broke down crying. i realized that i just wish someone around me – my pastor, my parents, any adult i looked up to in the church – had told me i was okay just the way i was. that i wasn’t bad or broken because of this. that the feelings i was having, the experience i was going through, were completely natural and fine, and not anything to be ashamed of. i genuinely believe it would’ve changed the trajectory of my life, and i would’ve been able to avoid some of the more destructive paths i eventually walked on. if i’d had the conditions to explore love and intimacy openly and safely, i think i would’ve been spared a lot of pain. but of course, nobody really had any idea what i was going through because i was too afraid to name it to anyone.
i realize now, with all of this going on, revisiting and confronting parts of my past in any meaningful way for the first time in a while, really trying to understand the potential consequences of what i went through and making connections i’ve never made before – i realize now that i internalized a deep sense of wrongness when i was young, and i’m not sure if i’ve completely worked my way out of it.
and so i said what the fuck and cried, mourning the kid i once was, the sense of innocence robbed, grieving the man i could’ve been without all the damage. and for the first time in a long time, i felt a deep sense of anger. because i was just a kid, and even writing this now, my eyes well up for that kid.
i like to think of myself as strong, as having risen above all of these things and moved on, but i think the reality is that i’ve been, for a long time, running away, always charging forward, too afraid to look back and dwell in the deep pain of loss. maybe this is some sort of reckoning, and maybe all of this is a personal blessing for me. maybe this is what had to happen for me to finally face the music.
i believe i can be strong and sure of myself, confident and free, but also tender to myself, finally willing to hold myself through the hard places. maybe one day i will write about it all, and maybe that will make me feel better, but for now, here’s a little prayer i wrote a little after i stopped crying:
Heavenly Father,
Thank you for being present with me through all of this. I feel a deep sense of sorrow and anger, for the boy I once was, for the wreckage of my young body. And though I feel a deep grief for the man I could’ve been, I am also so grateful for the man You’ve made me today. I lift all of my pain, my heartache and brokenness up to you, Lord. Please, somehow, work it all towards Your good.And thank You for drawing near to me, always, even when people tell me I am pulling away from You. Fill me with Your spirit, Lord. Give me peace and compassion, strength and courage, and make me brave enough to face what I need to face. Guide me through this and let me live freely in the fullness of the love and life you have for me.
london showed many faces today; the sun shone, clouds drifted in and out, and we got little bursts of five-minute flash showers of hail (in may 😭) and rain. the sky was clunky and indecisive, leaving no room for fickle fair weather friends.
as i was walking home from work, i noticed an old woman across the street struggling to walk with a big shopping trolley she was dragging along. i’ve recently been trying to practice seeing everyone around me as an image-bearer of God (deserving of dignity, love and care) and trying to be attuned to the different ways i can be a blessing (be the hands and feet of God) in the lives of others, so i crossed the street and asked her if she needed help. i was bracing myself for her to rebuff me, but to my joy, her face immediately broke into a smile of gratitude.
she thanked me profusely, handed me her shopping trolley, took my arm as support, and together we walked her home, in the middle of the street because the pavement was too wonky. every so often, we had to stop and get out of the way of an oncoming car and she’d apologize for slowing me down and i’d say, no problem at all, i have nothing more important to do with my day.
she told me she’d twisted her ankle not too long ago and was having a really hard time getting home after grocery shopping, so i was such a blessing to her. she asked if i lived nearby and i told her i work for the church around the corner, but would be moving into the area soon.
“christ church?” “yes!” “my house is on the same street! i’ve been before.”
i told her we started something new there almost a year ago. turns out she’s also a christian and usually goes to the gospel centre, but because of her ankle she hasn’t been able to go. i said she’s always welcome to drop in on a sunday, and i also let her know about our open doors wednesday community coffee mornings, and she said she’d come by next week!
she asked me what my name was and said she had a feeling we were going to be great friends. and she kept saying,
“you’re an angel, you’re an angel – i didn’t even pray for one today, but here you are, right when i needed you.”
and i thought about how beautiful that idea is: that you can be an answer to someone’s prayer they didn’t even know they had.
how amazing would the world be if we were all looking out for little ways to bless each other, expecting nothing in return? surely, we’d receive so many blessings too.
when we got to her house (it really was just a couple of doors down from the church), she said she would have to have me over sometime for coffee, cake and piano (we bonded over music during the walk) and that i would be welcome to bring a friend. i ran back to church to grab some flyers for her, so hopefully she does come by next week!
in the evening, i met up with nellie to have dinner at lucia’s. they said it was going to be a one-and-a-half-hour wait, so we meandered over to a bar down the road for a couple of sodas and to catch up.
i shared with her all of the drama that’s been going on in the last week, and she was incredibly sympathetic and encouraging. she’s not christian, so it was actually helpful to get a perhaps more objective perspective on everything, because it does seem a bit crazy from the outside looking in.
i think the big question was: who actually gets hurt when you institutionalize an affirming theology over a non-affirming one? is it just people who disagree with it, and the pain they feel is a personal sense of betrayal of themselves and God? because we know who gets hurt when you institutionalize a non-affirming theology – we have the documented and anecdotal evidence of all the harm, pain and death.
will people die because your church is suddenly affirming? will people be disowned by their parents and left homeless on the street for having a non-affirming view? will people go home and cry themselves to sleep at night over their own hopeless sense of broken identity and self-hatred because the church says God might actually be okay with gay people? probably not? then what are we doing?
surely the responsible thing to do is institutionalize an affirming view that allows for everyone’s dignity and full humanity (or at least stop institutionalizing and sanctifying dangerous non-affirming views) and actually make a safe space for the diversity of people’s personal theologies and beliefs. you can only really “agree to disagree” well and safely when no one is getting hurt. it’s not simply agreeing to disagree when your harmful opinion is enshrined as absolute truth and leads to a pervasive and seemingly inevitable culture of life-destroying and ungodly shame, guilt, hatred and fear.
anyway, as we were talking about all this, nellie said i must be exhausted, and i didn’t realize it, but i am. i’m tired of shouting into a void, trying to convince people that the pain i and countless others have felt and continue to feel is real – that it matters, and that it doesn’t have to be this way.
the truth is, my struggle with my sexuality in many ways derailed my life, and it was only a struggle because of the church. i didn’t care about what my peers thought about me, but i cared about what God thought about me. and though my church wasn’t actively homophobic in any way (nobody was ever mean to me or made me feel excluded; in fact, people at my church were only ever kind and loving to me), the doctrine was enough to damn me, and people’s kindness in some ways made it more confusing.
i thought, these are kind, loving, godly people, so if they’ve got that right, they must be right about this. and if they’re right about this, then God is disgusted by me and i’m going to hell. and when you’re a kid raised to believe God is the most important thing in the whole world (and you’re too scared to talk to your parents about it because they love God and, you know, they might throw you out) that can be enough to kill you.
so yes, i’m tired of having to retread this pain, trying to get people to really listen and understand, knowing it might not even matter at all, that it might not make any difference.
i’m exhausted.
but at least dinner was delicious! some of the best tacos i’ve had in london. and it was so nice to spend time with a friend who really lifts me up and helps me find the courage, strength and perspective i need to keep doing the work.
above: the food at gurmani (georgian food), where everything was delicious.
today was our first church service since everything happened last tuesday, and naturally, when people asked me how my week was, i talked to them about it.
i shared my blog post with a friend who read it and spent a good portion of the rest of the service riled up and crying. apparently, he knows someone else who’s dealing with quite damaging, active homophobia enshrined in faith and doctrine, so it really hit close to home.
i’ve been slightly worried that i’m being overly dramatic about everything that happened last week, even though it was undoubtedly mishandled and i experienced real pain. i’m fortunate that my faith and sense of self and God’s love for me are robust enough that i’m able to bounce back quickly, kind of brush everything off and move on, but because of that i end up minimizing the problem to myself.
seeing my friend crying today (and our conversation that followed) really made me realize that no, this actually is a huge issue and people continue to suffer in real ways. i believe that regardless of whether or not you intend to do any harm (or realize the harm you’re doing), these non-affirming views inevitably, even if passively, lead to a culture of incredibly destructive and often silent shame, guilt and fear for those impacted by them, and to the breakdown of family, relationships, and a healthy sense of self. moreover, these views have historically been and are currently being used to fuel and legitimize more extreme, active and violent forms of homophobia, whether or not you agree with or condone this violence.
from my perspective, when you hold fast to these views, you are inevitably (even if unwittingly) contributing to the harm, degradation and dehumanization the lgbt+ community experiences, and i think then the honest question becomes whether adherence to this doctrine – to this particular brand of conversvative christianity when other theologically consistent approaches are available – is more important than the lives (the lived experiences of harm) of the people you’re hurting. i think we all need to start being real about this.
in lighter news, little L invited me out to lunch with her and her family after church and it was a wonderful time! we had georgian food at gurmani and everything was delicious. L even made me a nice wig (it was more like a head ornament) out of playdough(?) and the waitress said it looked great.
i’m really grateful i have these experiences of true church family, love and acceptance to act as a counterbalance to the lonelier experiences of being gay in the church. truthfully, it’s not easy. even now, with all of this going on, i have to stop myself from seriously considering the legitimacy of the non-affirming view, because it’s a slippery slope to once again hating myself and that is a dark place i refuse to go back to.
i’m sure people wonder why i choose to stay in the church, not to mention work for one, but my faith is real; I have seen God at work in my life and in the lives of those around me, and i want to love people the way that Jesus loves them (selflessly, with genuine care, mercy, forgiveness, compassion).
so i’m choosing to believe in the God who loves me, who neither rejects nor needs me to reject such a fundamental part of who i am to truly love and follow Him, and i’m so glad i’m surrounded by people who choose to believe in this God too.
this morning, i went into my flatmate’s room to ask him if he was the one who’d left an empty roll of toilet paper on the holder without swapping it out. he started basically yelling at me, saying i was barging in and attacking him while he was eating lunch, and that he was tired of being accused of everything wrong with the house.
it would be easier to not assume he was the one at fault for everything if he wasn’t so clearly the one at fault for so many little grievances. we had a flat meeting once where we were talking about making sure the toilets were clean and free of skid marks and he said “what’s the big deal about skid marks anyway? they’re just skid marks.” unsurprisingly, skid marks hadn’t been an issue before he moved in.
so he deflected about the toilet paper (an issue i’ve been frustrated with because i keep finding empty rolls on the holder and replacing them myself and not mentioning it out of the goodness of my heart) and i posted a message in the group chat basically asking people to do the considerate thing and replace empty rolls.
and then he and i basically fought in the group chat.
him: this is not a big deal, i don’t care who has done this. it is seriously not worth arguing over. me: it is because it’s about the principle of shared responsibility. it’s about consideration for others and an agreed standard of living. him: if you want to risk upsetting people just because of idealised responsibility then you need to prioritise being kind. me: it’s not unkind to flag when someone is not pulling their weight.
first of all, insane that he thinks doing the decent thing and swapping out toilet paper when you’ve used the last bit of it is an idealized responsibility rather than common sense. the thing about men is that they hate having to rise to any form of higher standard of living if it takes an ounce of energy more than what they’re used to, even if it helps them in the long run.
they’d rather we all lower down and roll in the dirt with them, saying anything else is unncessary and too fussy. who cares if there’s an empty roll of toilet paper in the holder? i’m sure someone somewhere somehow will solve that problem at some point in time in some way that is beyond me.
apparently it’s mean to ask someone to do their share of common, considerate housework.
at one point, our landlord said “may i suggest you move from texting to talking and hopefully resolve issues?”
i said, “i did try to talk to him about it and apparently it was me attacking him.”
and that’s when he responded, saying “some self-awareness is needed here.”
to which i responded, “please tell me how i should’ve handled that better other than knocking first.” (note: his door was open and i did knock, i just didn’t wait for him to say to come in)
and he hasn’t responded to that yet. men are so arrogant, as if i’m the one who needs self-awareness when you don’t understand why your skid marks might make people uncomfortable.
truthfully, i think he’s being defensive and feeling called out because he knows he’s at fault for these little things. the rest of us are relatively tidier and know how to clean up after ourselves. he doesn’t think these ‘small things’ should be issues, but he does not get to decide what is and isn’t annoying and what is and isn’t a shared responsibility rooted in common sense when living with people. you can’t just say “i don’t think that’s a problem” and expect everyone else to deal with the problem.
i don’t blame him though. i think he’s only ever lived in shared houses with other men like him and it’s probably always been a mess. when i lived with sadiq, i was the messy one, and i used to think he was being anal retentive about everything. then i grew up and realized i was just being a bit of a lazy asshole and taking him for granted.
so at the end of the day, i hope this poor man grows up. it’ll be a real wake-up call when he starts living with a partner if he doesn’t.
anyway, we had that fight, then i went to mereme to start reading han kang’s “we do not part” (the owner knows me now and said i should come by for their first evening service next saturday), and then i went to the park to hang out with ian, ben and ben’s brother.
i didn’t realize ben’s dad was a vicar. i somehow hijacked the conversation and we talked about how the modern church has often lost the plot, caring more about doctrine, theology and its own self-righteous holiness over actually being in the world and loving people well, especially the marginalized, vulnerable and poor; how someone will judge you for sleeping in the same bed as your partner outside of marriage and then also completely ignore the homeless person they pass by on their way to the tube.
i also told them about how i no longer believe in hell, and how that’s been so liberating and formative for my faith. i could tell they were really thinking about what i was saying, which i appreciated. i think if you’re going to call yourself a christian, you should take it seriously and really think about these things, see things from new perspectives, and form your own beliefs.
the way i see it, anything that allows your faith to be more expansive, more full of possibility and hope, and more encouraging to be in real, loving relationship with people has to be good.
slept in and when i woke up, i decided to go to mereme to read a bit. i was nearing the end of “heart the lover” by lily king, which probably wasn’t a good idea to read in public because i couldn’t stop myself from silently crying.
at one point, the narrator has a conversation about love, and it all seemed very pertinent:
‘In literature love is a weakness. Othello is easily manipulated by Iago because of his love for Desdemona. Anna Karenina throws herself under a train.’
‘Othello places his trust in Iago, not Desdemona. Anna Karenina’s society does not allow her to be with Vronsky. Love is not the weakness. People get in the way. People are weak and perilous, not love.’
12:45pm rolled around and i packed up and started walking to break bread (free biweekly community lunch) at st. saviours. as i was walking, this phrase kept repeating in my mind:
these two feet are carrying me forward, but that might not always be the case.
i pondered the blessings of health and mobility, the miracle of the human body, and i was acutely aware of my field of vision going up and down, up and down with every step, something i don’t normally register.
had a nice chat with matt at break bread, but later, when i got home, i worried i was being so nice that the gravity of what happened on tuesday might’ve gotten lost, so i sent him a whatsapp message clarifying my position – that actually, i’m hoping things don’t just blow over. i don’t want people to think everything is okay just because i’m fine and know how to move on.
he responded gracefully, and we’re going to set up a time for a broader chat. rereading my message to him, as i sat in a movie theatre about to watch “the devil wears prada 2” with maya, i realized it was a bit pointed and felt bad. maya said i was probably overthinking things.
the movie was decent, but i sort of felt like half of it was fan service and nostalgia play, with so many nods and references to the first one. i also found everyone’s characterizations a bit odd – they kind of defanged miranda, and andy should’ve been more confident and less naive at that stage of her career. i also thought parts of the plot were a bit absurd and contrived, but as sequels go, it was fine, and i loved the music and beautiful clothes (simone ashley looked incredible).
we went to get ramen at tonkotsu after. i thought i was craving a standard, brothy ramen, but then i noticed their summer no-broth ramen on the menu and saw a vision of myself eating it, so ordered that instead. i’ve been wanting to eat saucy noodles ever since i read the passage in “hooked” where they eat soba. i tried to teach maya how to use chopsticks, but it’s a skill you have to practice so we ended up getting her a fork.
after, we spontaneously decided to go to rowans for a bit of a boogie. it was just us and another couple on the dance floor for a while. the man liked us and when they left, he said ‘bye, have a great night.’
later, a woman came and asked if she could dance with us.
“i don’t get to go dancing often, so i have to take the opportunity!”
apparently, her annual work party was at rowans tonight and after a while, her coworkers came and joined us. they were all doctors working around manor house and they’d finished karaoke in one of those expensive rooms not long before. i asked one of the guys what song he sang, and he said “a lot.”
when they left, they said we could have the rest of their pizza and i ended up taking home three slices. that’ll be lunch tomorrow.
truthfully, the dj didn’t do a very good job. he kept playing remixes of songs that would’ve been better as their original versions. we didn’t stay long past the doctors and left just as the night seemed like it was about to really start. in a different life, i would’ve stayed, craving the electricity, flashes of possibility, lingering eyes across the room.
when i got home, i collapsed onto my bed and finished off “heart the lover”. the whole book is about wistful regret, the consequences of simple failures, action and inaction that linger and echo throughout time. i thought about the butterfly effect, the domino trail of my own choices, all of my possible futures branching out like different routes on a map.
i wonder if, when i really think about it, i might’ve missed my chance at a great love. i think about people who’ve flitted in and out of my life, the intensity of connection waxing and waning over the years, our paths meandering and crossing every now and again. i think about stories and footnotes and endings.
but life is long and full of surprises, and i settle on a rising hope.
