i breathe in the cool night air as i walk across the park on my way home. the sun’s setting too early these days, but i don’t mind because i’ve always preferred the nighttime. i’ve just left chapters, where i sat around tediously studying calculus for the last hour and half in an attempt to be prepared for my test tomorrow, and subsequently fall back into the good graces of my teacher.
unfortunately, my peace was disturbed as some random guy started harassing me as i tried to study. he kept trying to get a conversation going, using the generic topics of boring small talk, and this resulted in my premature departure.
strangers seem to take more interest in me than my friends as of late.
there aren’t many people in my life that i actually genuinely want to (and have the ability to) spend time with and they’re usually either too lazy, too busy or too stupid to do so.
i’m becoming more and more reticent and i think soon i’ll stop seeing people all together. i don’t really know why, but people are actually starting to make me sick.
i’ll use this as a sick kind of motivation; i’ll spend all my time studying and hopefully i’ll get into a university i actually want to go to, leave this tired city and start over.
i don’t really like the person i’ve become. i lie without thinking and even my math teacher has noticed some manipulative tendencies. i have no integrity and all my classmates and teachers consider me a fuck-up. people tease in jest, and i take it because i deserve it, but in no way does it help at all.
and i’ve become bitter. i’ve tinted my view of the world with some deep, unfounded and unfocused hatred. i’m just so sick and tired of everything.
it’s sad to know that i had so much potential. with a different course of events, things could’ve turned out so differently.
i could’ve actually been happy.
but that is not the case and things have been moving in a downward spiral for the longest time. my high school life is past redemption and i’m not even going to bother trying to fix it. the only way i can think of breaking this pattern is by starting over; getting into university and somehow transforming into the person i want to be.
i’ll shed all of this like snakeskin, leave everything behind – the people, the shame, the reputation – and have a fresh start at something that will hopefully turn out to be beautiful.
all i want is to do is be a good person, and i can’t even do that.
people ask me what makes me so miserable sometimes?
it’s a mixture of shame, resentment and fear.
and so i beg for next summer to come a little bit quicker
so i can start looking forward to the rest of my life.