from left to right: sahifa being pretty (as per), me with food in my mouth (…as per), AND SAHIFA WITH OUR WONDERFUL FRIEND SORAYA WHO WAS TOO BUSY BEING ASLEEP TO ATTEND THIS WELL-ANTICIPATED LUNCH.
so yes, a friend and i got lunch today.
we agreed to go to the hard rock cafe since neither of us had ever been there before.
it was a nice day so we decided to be seated outside, where all the passers-by could properly envy our carefree, wonderful lives.
as we studied the menu, i couldn’t help but notice how DAMN HIGH the prices were. and then sahifa regaled me with a story about how she once went into a really nice restaurant with a friend, and noticing how exceptionally and ridiculously unaffordable everything happened to be, fled after a good few minutes of studying the menu.
their waiter was very shaken.
they’d apologized and had claimed there was an emergency that needed their immediate attention.
we debated hopping the fence right then and there and just walking away, leaving nothing but two forgotten menus and a couple of dishevelled chairs in our wake, but indolence proved superior to frugality and in the end we just couldn’t be bothered.
so there we were, contemplating our prospective meals when HOT WAITER approached.
we both ordered the exact same thing (mushroom and swiss burger with a coca cola) and he made some joke about how it was embarrassing to order the same thing. apparently it’s akin to wearing the same dress at a party.
he’d leaned across the table towards me while i was telling him what i wanted. sahifa noticed this and we discussed later on. i pretty much died.
throughout the day he attended to my refills, played the guitar and kept making awkward eye contact with me. every time he walked away from our table, he’d turn around and smile.
i was SMITTEN.
AND THEN IT CAME TIME TO PAY AND EVERYTHING TURNED TO SHIT.
i didn’t have enough money for tip, so i decided, as a charming and apologetic joke, to leave my number instead.
i don’t think he got it.
the plan was to pay, leave the money in the little book thing that they put the bill in and just walk away unscathed.
but this being an event occurring in my life, nothing went according to plan.
let’s make one thing very clear: i’m a natural flirt. it’s just how i interact with people. if i’m talking to you and it sounds like i want to get in your pants (and you’re starting to want me in there ;] ) don’t be scared.
however, when i try to flirt, i become an awkward, jumbled mess.
i literally have no game.
i didn’t know where to put my number so sahifa had to teach me (behind the twenty, in front of the bill) and i was probably making a weird face as he took the little black books away.
i didn’t really know what to do when i found out sahifa was paying with her credit card and realized he’d have to come back.
after a while, he nonchalantly walked up to us with a smug smirk on his face and placed the little bill books back on the table.
we knew he’d opened my book and found no tip but a phone number in its place.
he took down sahifa’s credit card number and she signed something and then he went on his merry way.
sahifa was too scared to look into my black book so i had to do it.
turns out he’d circled the part of my bill that was all about ‘paying an 18-20% gratuity rate for quality service’ and i just about lost it.
SO RUDE.
WHAT A SLY LITTLE DISPLAY OF PASSIVE AGRESSION.
but my number was gone, so he must have taken it.
whaaaat a prick.
he definitely hates me for being so cheap, but IT’S NOT MY FAULT I’M A POOR EIGHTEEN-YEAR-OLD BOY SAVING UP FOR UNIVERSITY WITH A MINIMUM WAGE JOB.
if i ever eat there and see him again, i’m going to throw two toonies and a loonie at him and yell ‘THERE’S YOUR DAMN TIP.’
and it’ll be incredibly satisfying.