dirty little whirlwind, i'm pinned to the heart of your swirl.
DISCLAIMER: this is a personal blog (i just want to write about my life 😭) and does not necessarily reflect the views, opinions or perspectives of my employer or church.
Honestly we’re 5 months into 2026 and I’m vibing. There are always gonna be bumps in the road, but I’m still proud of all of us.
– Camilla, after we realized we were all going through it in the group chat
apparently the year of the horse is the year for change.
Love is the big boat rocking through the storm, and it’s our wondrous work to keep making room.
– something I wrote in my journal today
some pictures from dinner at lucia’s last night. i sadly forgot to take photos of my favourite dishes of the night: the monkfish tacos and pork chop plate (both so good). the barbaco tacos were also amazing. my ranking for tacos was: 1. monkfish, 2. crab, 3. barbacoa – and the pork chop plate was it’s own thing.
so so yummy!
slept in and when i woke up, i decided to go to mereme to read a bit. i was nearing the end of “heart the lover” by lily king, which probably wasn’t a good idea to read in public because i couldn’t stop myself from silently crying.
at one point, the narrator has a conversation about love, and it all seemed very pertinent:
‘In literature love is a weakness. Othello is easily manipulated by Iago because of his love for Desdemona. Anna Karenina throws herself under a train.’
‘Othello places his trust in Iago, not Desdemona. Anna Karenina’s society does not allow her to be with Vronsky. Love is not the weakness. People get in the way. People are weak and perilous, not love.’
12:45pm rolled around and i packed up and started walking to break bread (free biweekly community lunch) at st. saviours. as i was walking, this phrase kept repeating in my mind:
these two feet are carrying me forward, but that might not always be the case.
i pondered the blessings of health and mobility, the miracle of the human body, and i was acutely aware of my field of vision going up and down, up and down with every step, something i don’t normally register.
had a nice chat with matt at break bread, but later, when i got home, i worried i was being so nice that the gravity of what happened on tuesday might’ve gotten lost, so i sent him a whatsapp message clarifying my position – that actually, i’m hoping things don’t just blow over. i don’t want people to think everything is okay just because i’m fine and know how to move on.
he responded gracefully, and we’re going to set up a time for a broader chat. rereading my message to him, as i sat in a movie theatre about to watch “the devil wears prada 2” with maya, i realized it was a bit pointed and felt bad. maya said i was probably overthinking things.
the movie was decent, but i sort of felt like half of it was fan service and nostalgia play, with so many nods and references to the first one. i also found everyone’s characterizations a bit odd – they kind of defanged miranda, and andy should’ve been more confident and less naive at that stage of her career. i also thought parts of the plot were a bit absurd and contrived, but as sequels go, it was fine, and i loved the music and beautiful clothes (simone ashley looked incredible).
we went to get ramen at tonkotsu after. i thought i was craving a standard, brothy ramen, but then i noticed their summer no-broth ramen on the menu and saw a vision of myself eating it, so ordered that instead. i’ve been wanting to eat saucy noodles ever since i read the passage in “hooked” where they eat soba. i tried to teach maya how to use chopsticks, but it’s a skill you have to practice so we ended up getting her a fork.
after, we spontaneously decided to go to rowans for a bit of a boogie. it was just us and another couple on the dance floor for a while. the man liked us and when they left, he said ‘bye, have a great night.’
later, a woman came and asked if she could dance with us.
“i don’t get to go dancing often, so i have to take the opportunity!”
apparently, her annual work party was at rowans tonight and after a while, her coworkers came and joined us. they were all doctors working around manor house and they’d finished karaoke in one of those expensive rooms not long before. i asked one of the guys what song he sang, and he said “a lot.”
when they left, they said we could have the rest of their pizza and i ended up taking home three slices. that’ll be lunch tomorrow.
truthfully, the dj didn’t do a very good job. he kept playing remixes of songs that would’ve been better as their original versions. we didn’t stay long past the doctors and left just as the night seemed like it was about to really start. in a different life, i would’ve stayed, craving the electricity, flashes of possibility, lingering eyes across the room.
when i got home, i collapsed onto my bed and finished off “heart the lover”. the whole book is about wistful regret, the consequences of simple failures, action and inaction that linger and echo throughout time. i thought about the butterfly effect, the domino trail of my own choices, all of my possible futures branching out like different routes on a map.
i wonder if, when i really think about it, i might’ve missed my chance at a great love. i think about people who’ve flitted in and out of my life, the intensity of connection waxing and waning over the years, our paths meandering and crossing every now and again. i think about stories and footnotes and endings.
but life is long and full of surprises, and i settle on a rising hope.
sometimes i feel like this red balloon, floating at eye level, slowly drifting.
bit of a dramatic morning today.
some background: i work for a church called christ church west green, which was planted by a church called st. saviours, which in turn was planted by a church called king’s cross church (kxc). we’re all part of a network of churches called the table network, along with a few other kxc plants. kxc does not hold an affirming theology and neither do any of their plants, except for us.
and so we’re essentially being kicked out of the table network (it’s probably more of a mutual agreement) because we have a more progressive and inclusive (affirming) view of sexuality, and it’s incompatible with their doctrine. i knew going into today that this would be our last meeting with them (we have a joint prayer gathering at the beginning of every month) and i’m not exactly sure what i was expecting, but it wasn’t whatever that was.
the meeting started typically enough, with encouraging stories, time for worship, time for prayer, but then pete (a lead pastor at kxc, who runs the meetings) said we were going to pray for some churches in the ‘family’.
apparently, one of the churches based in wales is essentially being forced to leave the church of wales (which as an institution holds and mandates an inclusive and affirming theology) and plant a new church so they can hold onto their exclusive and non-affirming doctrine.
so everyone gathered around them to pray, reaching out, closing their eyes, praising them for being so courageous in resisting the pressure to welcome gay people wholeheartedly to be part of their church just as they are, no ifs ands or buts. the gist of all the prayers was that they were being led by the spirit, that God was with them as they fought the good fight against the evils of creating a safe and inclusive space where lgbt+ people are free to worship and love God without believing a part of them is fundamentally wrong. and obviously they weren’t using those exact words, but it’s what i was hearing.
to me, they were praying for the strength and provision to bravely continue to exclude, marginalize and other; make people feel less than, less worthy of love, less holy, less able to inherit the kingdom of God because they just aren’t trying hard enough to be straight or celibate, they just don’t have enough faith.
and then later, they offered to pray for us, and i thought, pray for what? for us to fail? for us to finally see the light and once again tell queer people that they either have to pray the gay away or die celibate and sexless, which, if they just looked at it in the right way, is a gift?
pete explained we were leaving the table network due to a difference in beliefs about sexuality; that though we weren’t going to be part of the ‘family’ anymore, he was hopeful we could all remain great friends. then chris (my vicar, who i’m so proud of) said some kind words, and as all this was happening, something was bubbling up in me, this restlessness, this creeping anxiety, a form of suffocation.
i remembered all of the nights i spent quietly crying in my bedroom as a teen, journaling about how i felt disgusting and damned, praying that God would change me. every night, praying He would make me straight. every night the same prayer, learning to hate the way i loved, the crushes i had, the way i craved intimacy and affection just like anyone else. and i remembered not being able to tell my parents because no matter how much i knew they loved me, God said it wasn’t right, and they loved God, so what would happen?
it was destructive, it was unholy, it was something so many gay christians can relate to and are still experiencing today. i had to work to love myself, and by some form of grace, i came to believe God loves me too, not in spite of who i am, but because of it.
and so sitting there earlier, listening to everyone praying to strengthen this church in wales that will almost certainly lead to little boys and girls spending nights crying in their bedrooms, feeling disgusting and damned, something rose in me. and as chris was about to pass the mic back, i asked for it, and i stood up, and i said something along the lines of:
“hi everyone, i’m obed, and i’m gay. i just want everyone to understand the reality of this situation. there are parts of me that are feeling rejected, there are parts of me that feel excluded, and this is all bringing up a lot of trauma, all the work i had to do to learn to love myself in the church. you say that we’re invited, we’re invited, but when push comes to shove, we’re not, and it’s sad to me that we can no longer be part of your family because of this. hopefully we can still be friends. it was nice to meet those of you i met, and thank you for including us up to the point that you did, but honestly, the lived, emotional reality of this experience is really uncomfortable so i’m just gonna go.”
and then i grabbed my things and left, the room in total silence other than pete saying “thanks for sharing, obed.”
i got some nice, supportive messages from people after, and chris and i debriefed when we got back to our church. he told me that after i left, they talked about how these conversations are real and important, that there are real consequences and that they shouldn’t trivialize these things. they had a moment of silence, to dwell in the moment and process everything i guess?
but honestly, the sequence of events felt either completely thoughtless and unconscientious, or pointed and intentional. like, did they really not think about how a queer person in that room might feel in the face of all of this? you’re literally praying for a church to stay strong so that they don’t have to (meaningfully) include people like me and become like my church, which in their eyes seems to have fallen from grace and truth in allowing people to remain content on their path to hell. you can say you’re simply holding on to your scriptural truths and convictions, that you’re only trying to do what’s right, but these things don’t exist in a vacuum, and real, ongoing harm is being done in the name of these views.
i’m glad i said my piece, even though there’s so much more to say, so much more i wish i’d said. but chris is right in that this is such a delicate conversation, and the gracious thing to do is to learn how to hold all of these tensions, learn how to make space for these disagreements, with love and mercy and compassion, trusting that God is at work, even here.
i just think that if you’re going to hold onto a theology that can do (and has historically done) so much harm and lead to so much pain, heartbreak, often even death, you have a responsibility to pursue real, loving relationship with the people you might be hurting; listen to what they have to say, try to understand their perspective and pain. the stakes are too high. real people are suffering. what are the fruits of your doctrine? how are you building the kingdom of God with all different kinds of people?
i can tell you right now that in the entire time we went to those joint prayer gatherings, maybe three out of around thirty-five kxc staff members ever started a conversation with me, and that’s all i really needed to know.
but then later, during dinner with my church small group, i felt so held. i felt a true sense of community, sharing with others, being with people who really see me and care about me. and i remembered that there is goodness here, that there is hope and joy and true solidarity.
i felt the deep and unwavering love of God.
the church i work at owns a three-bedroom flat about a five-minute walk away, and we’ve been spending the last few weeks refurbishing it. we as a staff team went to visit it last year when it was being managed by a property manager and it was in a dire state of what many would describe as disrepair, functioning basically as a student house being rented out for cheap.
we had the property manager give the tenants notice to move out (and then severed our relationship with them, taking over management duties ourselves) so we could do it all up and either rent it out at a higher rate, or use it for missional purposes – have it be a true asset to the church.
the plan is now for me and my coworker maya to move in in the coming months, which i’m excited about. i think it’ll be so fruitful and life-giving to live in the community i’m serving in – be able to invite people over, host things, strengthen ties with neighbours – go to the local parks, markets, read at the cafes – so many more opportunities for meaningful touchpoints. maybe i’ll even start going to park run (i’ve been avoiding going to the finsbury park one because i hate running around hilly finsbury park).
yesterday, we invited the congregation to come check out the flat after church to see all the work that’s been put into it and a lot of people came. we had sparkling wine and snacks and everyone said how nice the flat looked. it was nice to be able to include people in the excitement of something new, and it really felt like a true family moment. i’m so looking forward to summer, to immersing myself in this kind of love.
had lunch with maya and her friend at the local greasy spoon and then headed home to rest before meeting up with alex for the laura ramoso show at the theatre royale drury lane in central (we actually ended up going to the wrong theatre at first and had to book it in a black cab to make it on time).
we love laura’s “chiara the check-in agent” character so we were really looking forward to the show, and it did not disappoint! i’ve never watched live sketch comedy before, so i was pleasantly surprised. i’ve neved laughed so much at a show in my life. a lot of it rode on impressions of her german mother and italian father, which were hilarious. lots of funny, observational commentary on those two cultures, and nothing ever felt mean or truly offensive.
she had bits that required audience participation, and it was so funny because each of those segments really pushed the stereotype of the british stiff upper lip. the word that comes to mind is “repressed” and the chosen audience members really did not give her much material to work with, lacking in humour and creativity, probably stifled by a sense of embarrassment – or at least that’s how it read. it’s a testament to her skill as a comedian that she was able to make even those bits seriously funny – the material she prepared (including an on-stage proposal and wedding with an audience member) was good .
she also called back to a lot of jokes throughout the show, and i love it when comedians do that. i feel like it’s such a specific form of wit.
after the show, alex and i stopped by a cute bar that served mexican food called “side hustle” at the nomad hotel. a friend had recommended to it alex and it was nearby and we wanted tacos. the decor was swanky, reminiscent of a speakeasy, and the bartenders and staff were all so nice and attentive. they sat us at the bar, saying it was more fun, and it definitely was – a little bit of a show whenever a bartender made a cocktail, and the bartenders were cute.
we had the tuna tostada (strong recommendation from alex’s friend, subtle flavours, so yummy), ceviche (very fresh), and a couple of tacos, and everything was beautiful and delicious. a satisfying end to a hilarious night.
here are some photos from the day:
woke up at around 10:30am and lazed around until about noon, spending too much time on my phone.
went to mereme, the new cafe down the road, for coffee and a light lunch. according to the barista, they only opened up three weeks ago, and the other barista said they were planning on starting evening service soon, small plates and funky wines – very hip and happening.
figures they would open up a new trendy coffee spot in the neighbourhood just as i’m about to leave. it’s literally a five minute walk from my flat, would’ve been such a great spot to chill out and read.
i had “hooked” (the book i’m reading) out and a woman at the table next to me struck up a conversation because she’s just started reading it. we extolled the virtues of the author’s writing style (i find it insightful, incisive, and exacting, able to articulate nebulous and complex emotions we all feel but often fail to put into words) and bonded over our love for her first book, “butter”.
her friend came back from the bathroom, and apparently she’d read butter as well and was also planning to read hooked. i love being able to chat with strangers about books. that’s one of the fun parts about reading the trending stuff.
went home for a 1pm flat meeting to finally delegate cleaning tasks. perfect timing considering i’m about to move out. i’d already given my notice to my (live in) landlord a couple of days ago, but i announced my impending move to my other two flatmates at the meeting. still got assigned some cleaning tasks though.
after the meeting, phil (one of my flatmates) came with me to bookbar so i could pick up the new paperback version of “heart the lover”, another trending book. saw a youtuber recommend it, saying it’s all about yearning and heartache, and everyone knows i’m a sucker for that. ended up picking up a copy of “we do not part” by han kang while i was there because why not. i enjoyed her other book, “vegetarian.” thought it was creepy and weird.
we went to a pub after (phil only really came with me to the book shop knowing we would end up at the pub) and everyone was out for the arsenal game. we managed to time it so we snagged a table in the beer garden before it got packed.
at one point a guy at the table next to us asked us to guard his table while he went to the bathroom.
“i know it’s a shit job right now but i’ll give you a slice of pizza,” he laughed.
we never got that slice of pizza.
and for dinner, because reading “hooked” made me crave japanese food, i walked 20 minutes in the rain to a japanese restaurant and had a huge bento box with miso soup, assorted tempura, nigiri, sashimi and maki. i was so full by the end that i was grateful for the long-ish walk back.
watched the latest episode of the boys and finished “hooked” in the evening. honestly, after how harrowing a lot of the book was, it ended on a relatively hopeful and optimistic note, which i love.
all in all a good day!
went on an impromptu date last night and it was really cute. he was very my type – sweet, handsome, great body, could hold a conversation – currently playing the piano for a musical, engaging, asked me questions about myself. i felt like i could really be myself around him, which is always a great sign.
we started at cafe boheme in soho, had a romantic french dinner in dim light, and it was nice even if maybe a tad too loud. went and got donuts for dessert and ended at the duke of wellington for a couple of drinks (me with my coca colas), cozying up against each other.
at one point he asked if i was actually into him, and i said of course, because i was. i hadn’t been that excited in a date in a while. earlier, on our way to get donuts, i tried to initiate a kiss and it felt like he rebuffed me so i actually thought he wasn’t very into me. he pulled me in for the kiss when i started to turn away though, so it all worked out.
but then, at the bar, he said something interesting: “i didn’t think guys like you were into guys like me.”
which is not the first time i’ve heard that, and i’m always left wondering what kind of guy i am. how do people perceive me, what’s the impression i give off?
we made tentative plans to see each other today or tomorrow, and i found myself waiting for him to text, which is a bit embarrassing considering it’s only been a day. i feel like whenever a date goes well and i’m excited about a guy, i get too invested too soon, i let my heart flutter in anticipation, my imagination run wild. i guess it’s because it doesn’t really happen that often, so i feel like i have to latch on when it does. but i worry that it makes me come across as too intense, too clingy, too forward, too much.
because i don’t date often, i don’t know what proper dating etiquette is. i’ve never been the kind of person to wait to respond to a message in an effort to come across as more casual and apathetic. if i have my phone on me, i’m going to respond, even if someone’s taken a while to respond to me. is that too thirsty, too eager, too keen?
i hope i’m not coming across too strong, but i also want people to know when i like them because i feel like the most you can do is communicate where you stand as clearly as you can. at least it leaves no room for ambiguity. but maybe it is too intense and pushes people away.
i don’t know, i find these things confusing, but at least if anything, it was a nice date!
the fun thing about returning to blogging is that i can partially motivate myself to do things that are outside of my comfort zone by thinking about writing about them later – doing things for the plot, if you will.
a couple of weeks ago, i bought a ticket to a gay single’s rooftop party hosted by Thursday Dating on a whim. it came up on an instagram ad and i thought, well why not.
over the last couple of days up until this morning, i was debating whether or not to go, foreseeing potential awkwardness, being sober and alone in a room full of already established groups of people.
but then i thought, you know what, you never know what might happen – who you might meet, how your life might change, the new and sparkling story that might emerge.
maybe it would be something to write about, at the very least.
so i went, and honestly, it was fun!
it was as awkward as i imagined it would be at the very beginning, a bit intimidating walking on my own into a buzzing room full of people already engaging with each other. i got a non-alcoholic beer, did a lap around the venue, then positioned myself by a bar at the back and tried to observe things from an anthropological research perspective – remove myself from the immediacy of everything, make things a little more detached.
i was probably standing awkwardly for all of five minutes when a guy came up to me, smiling, ready to chat.
he’d come on his own too, so we paired up and got to talking, and we ended up hanging out for the next two and a half hours.
i think we could both tell there wasn’t really a spark, and we each took turns making off-handed comments implying so (me with my usual “is anyone catching your eye? i can be your wingman”), but i wonder now if we were projecting; affirming our disinterest thinking the other wasn’t interested. though really, i don’t think i was interested, but maybe i could’ve been!
anyway, we exchanged contact information and made tentative plans to go out dancing together some time in the next few weeks, but i have a feeling we’re never going to see each other again.
so strange considering i actually learned a lot about him in those two and a half hours. we talked about real things, our lives, our experiences as gay men in the city, coming out, growing up. it was nice to meet someone new.
but so strange that that environment almost necessitated getting close to another person, latching on for a couple of hours to rebuff standing alone, only to probably never see them again.
i’ll probably go to another one of these events and try to do a better job of making sure i talk to more people, wander around alone more and see what happens.
sometimes it’s fun to do things just to discover the story that might come out of it.
side note: you can tell i’m out of practice with blogging because i keep forgetting to take pictures of things.
i was telling my coworker maya about something silly that happened on sunday:
as i was walking down fonthill road from finsbury park station, a random guy waved me down from one of the many wedding apparel storefronts.
“hey, come in, i’d like to speak with you.”
i should’ve flagged this as an immediate red flag, but i, with my insane sense of curiosity and adventure, decided to hear him out. i stepped into his store and he said,
“i always see you walk by here. do you live around here?”
“ya, i live just down the road.”
and then out of nowhere he came and hugged me, erotically, basically groping me, saying, “nice to meet you,” and then kissing my neck.
i pulled away, but i think i was so shocked that my instinct towards kindness took over, and i just said, “oh, sorry, i’m really busy, i have to go.”
and as i was walking out, he said something like, “don’t worry, there are no cameras here, we can go to the back, don’t you like me?”
and i just left.
i recounted this story to maya, laughing it off as another silly thing to have happened recently, but even i understood i was basically minorly assaulted if you count any form of unwanted sexual contact as assault.
i was treating it so lightly, but she gave it the weight it deserved, saying, “oh my gosh, i’m so sorry that happened to you, you should report it.”
suddenly, a new sense of fear, something icky and gross, and perhaps those emotions weren’t necessarily my own experience, but they settle there, inherent to what happened.
and i thought about all of the people who might not be able to respond by walking away, very young men who might freeze instead of fly, and all the horror that might come out of it.
i’m not sure what to do, really. part of me feels like escalating it and involving authorities would be going too far. maybe he’s not so different from a sleazy man hitting on a woman at a bar.
at the very least, i’m thinking of going back to the store and telling him that that wasn’t okay, that it’s actually assault and lecturing him on consent.
realistically, i might just let things lie. honestly, things like this have happened to me before, sadly.
on the bright side, a woman at church today asked if i was a model. i said no, and she said, “but you’re so fashionable and charismatic,” and i’m going to hold onto that compliment for a long time.
after work, i went for a run at a park nearby, then had dinner with chris and his family, and then went to my church community group.
we talked about prayer, and how we all think about it, experience it, participate in it. people were open and honest, vulnerable in their challenging, questioning, wondering.
somehow we ended up talking about the heaviness of the world, all of the pain, things not going as planned, seasons of disappointment. but also about hope, people persevering, God showing up in unexpected ways, in the people around us, in moments of reprieve and relief, in the light at the ends of tunnels.
and at the end, we prayed for each other, and there was a sense of solidarity in trying to draw near to God, in true hope and faith. honestly it was quite beautiful.
i started reading “hooked” by asako yuzuki (her follow-up to “butter”, which i loved) and it’s inspired me to start blogging again. one of the characters is a kind of bored housewife running a blog detailing the minutiae of her everyday life, and as i was reading, i remembered a bygone era when i compulsively noted things down – made the most mundane things ever so slightly more beautiful and wonderful by a nice turn of phrase.
it’s 1am now. i stupidly decided to take a “20-minute power nap” after getting drowsy while doing a daily Bible study. the nap lasted two hours and i woke up to pee and now i can’t get back to sleep. so i’m reminiscing on being sixteen and in high school, staying up late doing nothing, listening to music and writing down all my teenage heartaches and wonderings, making the world so big and pulling little bits of magic from the day.
often, i’d be listening to the xx’s debut album, lying moody in my bed. now i’m listening to “end of august” off of noah kahan’s new album, “the great divide.”
And I follow New York plates to the county line
I ignore ‘em when they wave on 89
Late August angst and a pointless night
Oh, and the feelin’ of being alive
For the first time in a long time
lyrics like this, and the rising melody, the keys driving the rhythm of the song – such a specific way of feeling alive at this time of night, all by myself in a quiet room, somewhere in the big city.
life expands, and i don’t feel so alone, and i want to pull magic from the everyday again. i want to be able to look back and remember the little things, the sways in moods, the small heartbreaks and little victories.
let’s see if i can keep it up, this practice of future-proofing my own remembering.
Shifting moods under cloud cover; this time of year always hits me like a ton of bricks and I always realize it too late, when I’m already lying dazed on the floor, wondering what’s happened and how I ended up winded on my back. I forget to anticipate and protect myself – enact rituals that will keep me safe and sane.
I only understood I slipped back into the unwelcome pattern during my one-to-one today with Chris, when he asked me how I am and I had a chance to pause and seriously think about the dip in my mood.
“I’ve been tired, for some reason, but I don’t know why.”
It’s the sudden drop in temperature – the indomitable palette of grey imposing itself on the city, the dark mornings, the hiding sun, the moon rising too early casting evening shadows on quiet streets. I tell Chris that this slump will hopefully only last another couple of weeks, before I settle into the coziness of the season. I want to light a candle and write at my desk. I want to read fanciful stories that take me to brighter, softer worlds. I want to listen to music and sketch little nothings into a tattered book. These are the small ways I take care of myself.
But a darker force pulls me back into bad habits. Dark movements on dark days. Fall is my favourite season, but for me it’s also the hardest. I like the idea of it – the concept of cardigans, changing colours, falling leaves. I forget there’s always, year after year, this inevitable hurdle I must jump over to reach the other side.
I always forget the heavy struggle of early October.
A man texted me this morning after getting back from Stockholm asking if I wanted to hook up tonight. I immediately said yes and we made the plans, but then I thought about it more seriously, weighing the act and all its easy pleasures against a kind of nebulous and hazy feeling of hope and renewed control I have over my life.
I let these considerations stew and settle as I went out to grab some groceries, and as I was walking around, I felt so present in the world – more connected to things, more alive. I was content, like I had everything I needed to live with freedom and integrity, and I felt strong.
When I got home, after making and eating lunch, I texted him to apologize and let him know that I actually had (non-existent) dinner plans and would have to rain check (though I have no plans to pencil it back in).
I went for a run, and later, in the evening, I went to grab some snacks from the shop nearby. And again, the sky was clear, everything was crisp and breathing, people smiled at me and I smiled back. I was happy with my choices, and on the way back, while listening to Lorde’s “Man of the Year”, I saw the most beautiful sunset peaking over buildings and through trees. It seemed like some divine reassurance that life could be beautiful without constantly undoing myself.
I think I’m done with casual hookups for now. I’m learning how to let go of this need that’s been built into me, reinforced and fortified by a lifetime (so far) of messages and signals. I’m learning how to unlearn certain things and I’m excited for the freedom in that. I’m slowly growing out of needing these elements of chaos masked by pleasure.
I’m learning to let a lot of things go, and I’m starting to feel lighter.
Woke up at 12:30 today, which is not what I wanted, but that’s okay. I wanted to wake up earlier, maybe at 10AM, make a coffee and read at my desk.
Instead, I showered, changed, grabbed my big shopping tote bag and trekked it to three different grocery stores to gather the ingredients for a tortellini salad. Turns out it’s kind of hard to find unsliced salami around where I am, so opted for some diced chorizo instead.
The salad turned out delicious and I ate it while watching an episode of “Overcompensating”, which I’m really enjoying. I put off watching it for a little bit because it looked too cringe and overdone, but I knew I would love it. Same thing happened with me and Heartstopper. This initial aversion to corny things seems to only ever delay the inevitable.
Went to the gym, video called a man I have a date with, and then finally spent some time reading (and drinking that coffee I missed in the morning).
Then went to hub for dinner and had some great conversations over chilli on pasta. Got to see Charlie for the first time in a while – haircut since his mini heart attack – and we finally got to talk for a bit after he drove me home, which was nice.
All in all a nice, slow day.
I love not working.
I recently quit my job in tech sales to take a job working as Operations Lead at a church my church is planting (meaning we’re sending a team into an existing church to kind of breathe life into it)
The new job starts June 30th, so now I have a period of about a month to do nothing (before traveling to Salerno and back to Toronto for a bit in mid-June) – a no man’s land of empty time.
I want to take this time to quietly prepare my heart for service – to meditate and pray and envision what I want out of my new role – how I want to approach things, how I want to make sure to listen to the community and hopefully have a good impact.
I’m in a complicated position because I feel like I might get judgment from both communities I feel I belong to – from the secular queer community for deciding to work for an institution that has historically persecuted them and is responsible for extensive atrocities, but also from my community of faith for being gay.
I haven’t fully grappled with the implications of my position or come to an understanding of how I totally feel about it, but I know I feel called to it, and I’m choosing to take on the role with a baseline of faith, hope and love.
I think there’s a really beautiful opportunity to do some good, and to create a gentle, inclusive space where everyone can experience community and belonging and feel safe enough to try exploring a relationship with God, whatever that looks like to them. I picture an oasis in a difficult, divisive world rife with animosity. I picture people choosing to walk through life together in a real and meaningful way, even when it’s scary or hard.
And for now, in this time of preparation, I picture myself reading, writing, exploring the city a little bit – getting comfortable with the quiet, and settling into a slower but more joyful rhythm of life.
