above: it’s fight the power in residence this week and we decided to show our support by creating a face via manipulation of the lights in our rooms.
isn’t it funny how it’s smiling?
the whole building’s smiling when i’m at the worst i’ve been in a long time.
maybe it’s the weather – or illness, or that fact the i’ve been too drunk too often as of late. maybe i’ve stopped taking care of myself.
whatever it is, i ended up crying – sobbing – in my bed on a tuesday night, but this was a long time coming.
all the lights were off because i didn’t want to see anything.
i just kept thinking and thinking and thinking
about how i put myself in all these strange positions
and how i’m dealing with things i shouldn’t have to deal with.
life is hard enough as it is.
by nature, i’m supposed to be oppressed.
and now there are other things i find myself fighting against – surges of cruelty and faithlessness and hatred towards everything.
i am angry at the injustices of the world – at the inherent unfairness of life – but this is an old story and a common affliction.
only two people witnessed the weakest i’ve been here, and that’s only because they basically broke into my room.
i’ve dug a hole deep inside myself where i put all the dark things – where i shovel all of my worst thoughts and insecurities.
i’m afraid they’re starting to spill over.
but i took deep breaths and touched the cold of the wall to keep myself from slipping. i gathered every good thing i could, and by the time the morning came, they were all i was holding on to.
once again, i have to be stronger than this.
once again, this is nothing i can’t handle.
in the end, this is nothing at all.
and once again, i don’t want to talk about it.
i don’t know how to.
it’s like trying to explain a colour.