if someone would like to pack me away and take me to disneyland right now, i wouldn’t complain.
i sometimes have this weird paranoia that i’m constantly being used by the people around me – maybe as an excuse to be with someone else, or as a way of meeting new people or making new friends, or maybe just as the guy who will buy the pitcher or give you a beer or just lend you his bed for the night.
sometimes i feel like i’m just a convenience – a means to an end. it’s a result of the fact that i myself have manipulative tendencies mixed with some strange and deep-seated insecurities that prevent me from believing that people can truly like me simply for who i am.
after all, i have a knack for being obnoxious and annoying and constantly aloof.
but a long time ago i made the decision to never wallow in sadness and self-pity and doubt for too long. it’s okay to entrench yourself in your sorrows – to listen to a stream of heart-breaking songs and wonder why the whole world seems to be against you and question why nobody seems to understand. sometimes it can even be healthy and perhaps cathartic.
but after a while, you have to pick yourself up and remember that life goes on and so will you. remember that sometimes there will be things you cannot change, and there will be others that you can.
it’s up to you to make the conscious decision to try and be happy again. focus on good things and stop dwelling on the things that will eat you alive. start to see things for what they are – maybe they’re better than you think. open your eyes to all the good in the world and have faith. always have faith.
surround yourself with people that make you happy. do things that make you want to live and create and be free to be who you are.
destroy what destroys you.
stop making excuses and grab life by the horns.
there is a strange and empowering euphoria that comes hand in hand with great sorrow, but if you feed off of it for too long, you will miss all the beauty of the world and the bursts of wonder and colour and joy that make life worth living. you will miss the far better euphoria of really feeling alive – and in all the right ways.
a long time ago i made the decision to try and be happy.
i surround myself with people who make me feel good and safe and warm.
i grow to resent anyone who dampens my own happiness.
and if it gets really bad, i cut people out of my life and am better for it.
but i’m running out of ways to start over, and i’m running out of the cruelty to leave people behind.
that and i have more faith in my friends.
but one day i’m going to pack my bags and start a grand adventure without telling a single soul.
there are so many people in the world.
so many people.
and all the beauty and wonder of life.