the saddest part of these soon-to-be goodbyes is knowing the potential strength of these friendships – if only i had found them sooner. there are so many people i have come to know so recently, and our relationships have blossomed solely within the last couple of weeks. their mannerisms are becoming familiar, their presence is becoming comforting. and slowly they are letting me rest my hands on their shoulder blades, or graze the stubble of their cheeks, without putting up much of a fight at all.
“you are genuinely such a nice guy and we embrace you.”
the implication here is that they do this rather than push me away or turn their backs to me out of fear or discomfort or any of the other ignorant things that have so often gotten in the way of beautiful encounters and sparks and fireworks.
i’m glad people have gone out on their limbs, reached out with both arms and taken the chance to get to know me. because i know that when i walk down the street, i look like a bitch. and i know that sometimes i seem detached and indifferent and disturbingly selfish. and i know that sometimes the sincerity of my love seems questionable at best.
but none of you are just pass times. i don’t keep you near to simply fill the empty spaces in the day.
i am here, listening to the things you tell me in drunken confidence on the nights you let me crawl into your bed. i am here, dancing with my arms flailing above my head as you laugh and do the same and then pour another drink. i am here, laying my head against your chest and smiling as you passionately criticize complete strangers while we watch more trash tv.
“i feel like i can be honest with you.”
and i am honoured to be a well in which you pour your trust and secrets and insecurities.
when you pull the bucket back up, i hope you find something to give you comfort – and i hope you see the golden shine of my sincerity.
if i could, i would pack all of you into a suitcase and bring you all home.
and i guess i will, in a sense.
everything in my life affects me. this is how it’s always been.
i will lock you all away in a warm part of my heart and in the heat of summer nights i will remember words you’ve spoken and laughs you’ve laughed and when we all come back, it’ll be as though we had never left.