dirty little whirlwind, i'm pinned to the heart of your swirl.
DISCLAIMER: this is a personal blog (i just want to write about my life 😭) and does not necessarily reflect the views, opinions or perspectives of my employer or church.
well if you must know, i called it.
i was eating my rez express in the caf, all by myself, just because i didn’t want to be in such a weird, tense environment, and i thought to myself, ‘wait. i left my phone.’
but i thought nothing of it because none of my friends have ever looked through my texts without my permission.
my fucking privacy is the only thing i keep sacred.
if you want to look through photos, look through some photos.
goodbye.
everyone thought i was just a little bit too drunk tonight.
i’m not.
and maybe that’s the worst part.
painting bottles and watching modern family.
there is so much joy in solitude.
and then there’s always modern family to make me feel better.
thank the good lord.
it’s times like these that i miss my old life
and the friends who would let me sleep in their beds, no questions asked.
goodnight to the city that still doesn’t feel like home.
is not one i am living.
i never go to class. i never study. i never spend more than one night on a paper, and even then it’s only a couple of hours.
i never make an effort.
i am not one of those kids who studies in libraries and hangs out in the arts lounge and meets with professors after class to clear up any lingering confusion about the day’s lecture.
but i wish i was.
sometimes i wish i considered all of those things important. sometimes i can see my self sitting in a chair at ssmu, sipping on a coffee and watching a lecture i happened to miss – maybe i slept in, maybe i was sick, but not because of pure and utter laziness.
and then i romanticize the vision.
perhaps i’m reading a textbook in a library and suddenly a young, strapping man sits down across from me and says something along the lines of ‘oh, i’m in that class too. so screwed for the exam,’ and we chit chat for a little while and then we go out to starbucks or something and chit chat some more – this time not about school and not about courses and not about the books we have to read (but maybe about the books we choose to).
every time i sit down and try to get to work, i get this sudden grasp of fatality and i ask myself ‘is this all just a waste of time?’ and i think about all the things i could be doing instead, so i end up sitting at my laptop watching trash tv or going to the caf for hours on end, not even eating but just being there. i end up still wasting time, but in other ways.
i forget that all the studying and the books and the lectures – they’re all part of the experience and good things can come from it.
i didn’t get my anthropology of religion course pack when i was supposed to and now i’m screwed. what have i been doing this entire time? how have i been spending my days? how many hours have i wasted?
i’ve been leading a drifting existence, no direction, never focused.
i think it’s time for a little bit of a change.
i’m going out tonight and then that’s it. maybe a night on the weekends – because i know i’ll feel that carpe noctum mentality wash over my helpless, restless being – but never more than that.
it’s finals season, ladies and gentleman.
it’s time to get cracking.
i can do this.
today we had an easter fiesta!
but how many people am i going to blacklist tonight?
like if i feel like i have problems, there’s an ugly person with the exact same problems. that would be shitty.
omfg.
wait. what the actual fuck.
wait. what?
by lana del rey.
above: cheeks, wuvvy and leto playing video games (playing videoooo gaaaames) at 2:30 in the morning.
this is the room i found myself in after another night at bifteck. i can’t even count how many pitchers of beer i’ve had there anymore. so many nights of conversation over beer, people-watching, neverhaveievers and dares that never come to be.
“let’s swear to not end up at bifteck tonight.”
but it’s a constant and a backup and it has this wondrous gravitational pull that we’ve grown to love and adore.
if we were to look up at the stars for guidance on where to go for the night, there would be a constellation in the shape of the letters that spell BIFTECK.
the cosmos just wants us there.
but anyway, i ended up in cheeks’ room and after the other boys were gone we had a charming little conversation. now i find myself wading through the things he said and trying to pick out the truths from the falsehoods. i’ve decided not to take anything he says seriously.
i think he may be smarter than i thought.
what an intriguing little man.
