dirty little whirlwind, i'm pinned to the heart of your swirl.
DISCLAIMER: this is a personal blog (i just want to write about my life 😭) and does not necessarily reflect the views, opinions or perspectives of my employer or church.
i’ve never believed in love at first sight. intrigue at first sight, maybe, but not love.
love may be born in a look or two, but it is not whole until later.
we breathe life into it with whispered conversations hidden beneath shared covers, and with allegedly accidental grazes of hands or knees, and with lasting looks and secret smiles –
– all in all, with time.
love grows with time. it is not obvious and immediate. it is subtle and insidious.
you don’t fall in love. you tiptoe into it – gently, cautiously – until one day, you find yourself neck-deep.
it is time that allows you to see a person in a different way – better, more attractive, sweeter.
it is time and that allows you to get to know a person – to become attached.
thus, the process of detachment is one of steady unknowing.
so i will forget all of the wonderful things you’ve done, and i will forget your sweetness and your charm, until i see you the same way i saw you when i first met you – before i knew you for the beautiful boy you are.
i will remember how i felt before i got to know you, and try to feel that way again.
i will remember that there was life before you, and there will be life after.
i will unknow you until you are reduced to just another person in the vast and endless world.
i will think of you as just another boy, because that’s all you can ever be to me.
and i will do all of this because i am kind of afraid i might like you just a little too much.
mother nature decided to act two days late and surprise the entire city of toronto by covering it in snow in the span of a couple of hours.
i went to work today and there was not a flake of snow on the ground.
i left work and had to trudge home with wind whipping flurries of it all over the place.
thankfully, i enjoy the snow and all it has to offer (until it turns into slush, which i wholeheartedly despise).
now i’ll admit that i’ve kind of reestablished myself as the store flirt, but it’s not my fault that i work crazy hours and need to find ways to amuse myself (lest i die of boredom). interacting with my coworkers is the only way i keep sane.
in other news, i got one of my grades back.
i got a b instead of the c- i was expecting, so that’s good.
i guess you don’t really need to attend class or do any of the readings after all.
my last few days in montreal were a whirlwind of coursepacks, textbooks, and lots of pen on paper – very little sleep throughout, and after all of that, copious amounts of alcohol for the last night.
my goodbyes to the last of the boys of the house were either unceremonious or nonexistent, but they know i love them so it’s whatever.
i woke up, packed, cleaned a little bit and then hopped on a bus back to toronto. i made friends with my seatmate, which was nice. we both agreed that it was a little too warm and a little too stuffy, but conversation was easy and i managed to get some sleep.
i’ve been so busy since i’ve been back that i don’t even have any time to read. i’ve been working 10+ hour days every day since i got back (save for christmas eve, and today), and i’ve met a bunch of the new coworkers, which has been fun. most of them seem pretty cool, and the ones who don’t are at least tolerable, so that’s good.
we go out after work every night, which i’m probably going to have to stop doing because i kind of want to save my money – but oh how i enjoy a casual drink with dinner.
i drank my first bloody mary at cafe crepe – i couldn’t really tell the difference between it and a caesar – and the waitress forgot my soup, so she didn’t charge me for it.
spending time with my friends and family – and making new friends to spend time with – has been great. i’ve missed the little joys and comforts of home – and the seemingly endless amounts of food.
i’m totally carefree here and it’s wonderful, although the boys back in montreal have me feeling pretty well taken care of anyway.
still, this place will always be my home, and i will always soak in the feeling of walking down dundas or st. george in the middle of the night, with all the lights of the busy streets to guide me home, and the sounds of passing cars to let me know i’m not alone.
christmas was fun.
we’re always the only family that dresses up for the christmas eve service at church, but it’s whatever. i’ll take any opportunity to don a bow tie and a vest. grant’s message was touching, as always, and it reinforced my desire to focus more on my spirituality in the new year. i don’t want to lose that part of myself.
elaha came over for christmas dinner and participated in all of my family’s traditions. we opened presents (my mother somehow got elaha some too somehow) and stayed up into the wee hours of the night just hanging out and bonding.
today elaha and i watched the cirque du soleil experience movie thing, which was visually stunning, and then i came home and watched the collector with the fam. that movie was disgusting, so i guess i’m going to watch the sequel.
we skyped with a couple of the boys too, which was nice.
i don’t want to go back to montreal just yet.
there are too many people to see and too many things to do before i can really feel like i’m ready to start the new semester.
i haven’t even gone out dancing yet since i’ve been back.
although not getting drunk since i’ve been back has been a nice little break. it reminds me that i don’t need the extra little haze to have a good time when i’m with the right people.
but still, everyone knows how much i love dancing.
now i have to go to sleep.
elaha and i plan on going boxing day shopping pretty early tomorrow before work.
i received a message at about 3 am tonight, and normally i’d just brush all of this shit off, but this kind of shallow, judgmental person is exactly the kind of person i really, really dislike, so i’m using this situation to make a point.
let me start out by saying i’ve only physically interacted with this person maybe twice. i was drunk the first time and the second time was a run in on my way to the grocery store.
now here is a copy of our conversation:
“Emir Yiğit I think I’m deleting you, bye
3:06am Obed DG Cundangan that was kind of rude but i also kind of don’t care so cya!!
3:10am Emir Yiğit lol I added you after you asked a common friend behind my back what sexuality I was, to kindly make friends. rude is not doing a thing when I’ve been nice and invited you to stuff. The non-care feeling is reciprocal, so bye-bye, gay stereotype
3:13am Obed DG Cundangan yeah…not doing a thing isn’t rude…it’s just nothing calling me names and talking shit about me is rude you have no idea who i am i honestly don’t really care about any of this and the way you’re acting makes you seem really immature and insecure, so i’m going to stop responding to anything now but good night!
3:15am Emir Yiğit no, you’re right, that is rude. but I’ll keep arguing that the doing nothing is actually rude, or it makes it only appropriate for me to delete you. I dont know, I logged on and tradition here is you have thousands of people connected whom you do not know, I’m trying to be the kindest deleting those I have no idea who they are.
3:18am Emir Yiğit being insecure and immature are parts of the human psyche, fairly observable in all your pictures with the same ridiculously tilted lips and resting facial expression.”
and that was the end of the conversation because wow.
k, i was super drunk when you met me but i don’t recall asking your friend if you were gay behind your back. that seems really out of character for me and whoever told you that probably just wanted to make you think i was interested to make you feel good about yourself or something.
now onto why i dislike people like this so much.
1. people delete me everyday and i don’t notice or care. have a little tact and don’t make a point of it, you giant drama queen.
2. this is the person who’d previously started a conversation with “hey gurl what’s up” (to which i replied ‘where did we meet?’) and invited me to a party by saying “we are going to go to this queer party on saturday come with us and we’ll be slutty together” and he has the nerve to condescendingly call me a gay stereotype without knowing anything about me? that’s honestly ridiculous. check yourself.
3. yes you’ve invited me to things, and that’s super nice. but me not inviting you to things isn’t rude. it’s pretty freakin presumptuous of you to say that. you just don’t happen to be very relevant to my life and now you never will be. so yes, it was appropriate for you to delete me, but you didn’t have to be dramatic and rude (a terrible combination) while you did it.
4. i called you immature and insecure because of the way you were acting and coming across. you’re calling me immature and insecure because of my ‘ridiculous’ face. get out of here.
5. a word of advice: grow the fuck up. people like you put people who identify as gay to shame.
i’m sitting in a library studying for my environment and culture exam an hour before it starts (except i’m not really studying, i’m watching x factor and writing blogposts).
i took off my rings and accidentally dropped them on my desk and this old (like, so old i have no idea what he’s doing here) man sitting across from me leaned away from his computer just to visibly glare at me and make a point of it.
then i started to smell the wretched odour of feet and at first i was worried it was me.
however, upon further investigation (i.e. looking under the table) i came to realize this old man had taken off his shoes and was perfectly alright with exposing his foul odour to the world.
