look at what i drew during art night!
Month: January 2013
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little things.
i haven’t drawn in so long.
i haven’t had a solo dance party in my room for so long.
these are the things i need,
if only to forget about everything else.
at least for a little while.
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I’m confused are you a fag or what? I’m receiving mixed signals. Let me know, I want to know. Hun.
i can’t quite tell if this is sarcastic or just really, really dumb.
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on being passive.
this weekend was interesting.
i’ve been something of a make out whore recently and now i’m sick so maybe i should stop?
thursday night was strange. i was at bda, as per usual, downing beers as fast as i could to feel the rush of intoxication sweep me away. i do this thing when i’m drunk (and even when i’m sober, to be quite honest) where i touch people while i talk to them – casual touches, like my palm resting on their shoulder, or brushing their chest every now and again – sometimes resting on the back of a neck.
a friend of mine commented on it and told me i’ve mastered the art of it. he said it’s not too much nor too little, but just enough to be comfortable and maybe even enjoyable, if one allows it to be – and as he told me this, i noticed his hand resting on my hip or the small of my back and i wondered if this was more than i thought it was.
i saw him at a party later that night. he was drunk and i was drunk and i said hi and we started talking and all of a sudden he says,
“so am i good kisser?”
or something along those lines, and i was confused because how would i know?
and then he just pulled me towards him and our lips made contact and his mouth opened up into mine and it was all very bizarre and unexpected.
a mutual friend of ours told me that this kind of behaviour was completely out of character for him, and i believe it.
also at one point i detached myself and turned to see his ex-girlfriend standing only a few feet away.
weird dynamics.
saturday night was bizarre as well.
laura and i went to our new friend tristan’s party and we danced for a bit and made friends in the living room before heading off to explore the kitchen.
there were two jonathans in the kitchen and one of them told me i knew how to make an entrance. he told me that he couldn’t take his eyes off of me and i pulled my usual tricks – the palms on shoulders, chests, the back of necks.
he told me he thought i was good at the game – that i’d mastered the art of seduction – but all i was doing was having a conversation. at one point he asked me if i had a boyfriend and i said no. then he said he did have one and i spent about half an hour lecturing him, telling him that he should be faithful and that relationships are mostly worth it and that communication is key, etc etc.
but i guess that wasn’t enough because before he left he told me to meet him at the front door.
i did to say goodbye and he told me he wanted to give me a goodnight kiss, so i let him because when i’m drunk, my sense of judgment goes out the window – or maybe it’s just that i don’t stop myself from succumbing to what i truly want.
so i let him kiss me for a while and that was that.
afterwards, laura and i cabbed it to lucy’s party and another strange thing happened.
partway through the night i found myself talking to a new friend who i’d apparently been trying to hook up with the night before (which is unusual), and who apparently rejected me (also unusual).
we kind of laughed about it and moved on to talking about other things, and i was having fun.
then i decided it was time to leave and as i was making my way out, he told me he wanted to give me a goodnight kiss, so he leaned over and planted one right on my lips.
this one was sweeter than the others – a simple peck lasting maybe a second.
i decided to stay at the party for some reason and we were sitting on a couch for a while with my legs sprawled across his lap as he told me about the girl he likes back home.
weird dynamics.
the thing is, i didn’t initiate any of these incidents.
i kind of just let things happen to me, which maybe isn’t a good thing?
and now i think i’m starting to get sick.
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“Such trifles, such silly little things sometimes become so important suddenly, for no apparent reason! You laugh at them, just as you always have done, you still regard them as trifles, and yet you suddenly find they’re in control, and you haven’t the power to stop them.”
– ‘Three Sisters’ by Anton Chekhov
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there have been too many floods in my life recently so i’m quitting school and moving to hawaii bye losers xoxo.
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echo.
i feel as though i’m supposed to be angry.
i will not forget this.
and to feel abandoned – well enough is enough.
honest to God – i don’t even know why i’m sleeping here.
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i wish wish wish i had headphones right now.
it makes all the difference.
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positive thinking –
mental alchemy, etc. etc.
you receive the energies you give to the universe.
good thoughts, good vibes –
the bright side of things, perspective –
chin up, you can choose to be happy –
you can choose not to let anything – or anyone – drag you down.
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blurry.
above: sparklers and friends for jared’s 20th.
the night comes back in flashes.
i remember the beginning. it was just the five of us and i was in a really good mood and there was music playing on the speakers and everything was bright and shining with golden prospects.
i remember storming out of a cab (though i don’t remember why) and stomping away and turning around and seeing robby had come after me. he was wearing a tank top and he didn’t have a coat and all i could think about was how cold he must’ve been.
i remember getting to the club and robby not being let in because apparently new city gas has some sort of weird, misplaced dress code that requires sleeves on guys. i kept telling him i’d get him in even though i had no idea how. i just had blind faith in the fact that usually things just work out for me. i remember everyone in line being really nice. they kept trying to give him something to wear over his tank top but the bouncer kept talking about how robby was just going to take it off when we got inside.
he turned to leave and told me to stay and suddenly i didn’t even want to anymore.
i remember getting back to his place and holing myself up in jared’s room, listening to lana del rey and crying for things i shouldn’t cry about – bigger things completely unrelated to anything that had happened that night. i remember wanting to go home, but robby and clark stripped me of my clothes and hid them so i had to stay.
i remember standing outside in my underwear, refusing to come back in until clark gave me my pants (apparently he forgot where he hid my shirt).
i remember almost sleeping in a bed and then deciding against it because sometimes you can actually feel lonelier when there’s someone right beside you.
and this morning i woke up and i thought about it and decided deep down i’d wanted to stay the night and my friends knew that.
if there’s something more to my drunkenly hysterical mood swings, i hope i figure it all out soon. i’m kind of tired of being a drag.
my friends look out for me. they are patient and kind and i love them for it.
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all i want.
is to listen to beautiful music and to be with people who genuinely love me and who maybe want what’s best for me.
i don’t want to have to worry about anyone else because, really, i’m enough to keep myself preoccupied.
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me.
i’m crazy and i’m stupid and i’m dumb and i’m immature and i’m too drunk and i overreact for no goddamn reason and i should feel lucky that there are these wonderful people who look out for me and who care for me and who are so great and so wonderful and so empathetic and so understanding.
