Month: January 2013

• late night thoughts – 1.

  i was just about to fall asleep when i suddenly remembered something that happened in class today and felt compelled to note it down.

  it was the first time i attended my studies in popular culture class and i was sitting near the back of the room when i overheard this girl’s strangely loud, piercing voice explain that the only reason she used highlighters was because she’d fall asleep reading if she didn’t.

  she kept saying things like “yeah, so i use the brightest colours because it’s like they scream at me from the page and then i’m totally awake!!” as if this were the most interesting, thought-provoking thing in the world.

  this went on for a good couple of minutes and everyone around her kept laughing and telling her how weird and how quirky she was.

  i don’t really know why, but for some reason i felt like this whole conversation was the worst thing ever.

  i was thankful though, because it reminded me i should probably get at least one highlighter at some point this semester.

  the ink might not scream at me from the page in quite the same way, but highlighters are actually pretty helpful.

  (note: if you think you’re the girl i’m talking about, or you’re maybe friends with the girl i’m talking about, please don’t take offense to me thinking your lives are boring. i think lots of things are boring. i’m sure my life seems just as boring in little snippets like that.)

  on another note, here’s a passage from the book i’m reading:

  “There was something touching about the fact that Murray was dressed almost totally in corduroy. I had the feeling that since the age of eleven in his crowded plot of concrete he’d associated this sturdy fabric with higher learning in some impossibly distant and tree-shaded place.”

  i just thought that was funny and true. corduroy is the fabric of learned men (and women).

  interestingly enough, i don’t own a single article of corduroy clothing.

  and this has been more late night thoughts with obed cundangan.

  ‘til next time.

  January 17, 2013

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• up late nights.

  i’ve been lying in my bed trying to sleep for the last hour or so but i can’t stop trying to figure out why i’ve been in such terrible moods late at night recently.

  i think i’m beginning to understand some of the things that are nagging at me, and this is one of them:

  nobody wants to live with me.

  everyone i’d even consider living with already has other plans or is still too confused to commit to anything or just plain and simple thinks i’d be a terrible roommate (which is justified, i guess).

  now, this in itself doesn’t actually irk me. i think i’d be quite happy living on my own.

  but it conjures up thoughts of deeper issues that simmer in some tucked away corner at the back of my mind.

  sometimes i feel like i’m a drifter.

  i float from clique to clique, from one group to the next, but i never really feel like i belong to any one of them.

  i look around and see everyone with such solid groups of friends – with people who they can reciprocally understand and relate to – and i wonder if i’ve found anyone like that here, even if it’s just one other person.

  – just one other person who might be on the same wavelength.

  people say i’m popular but i don’t think that’s worth a damn if all anyone ever gets to know are the most superficial aspects of who i am – and maybe that’s my fault, in a way.

  maybe i’m too guarded and unwilling to open up – too afraid of being completely bare and honest with another person.

  in any case, the end result remains the same:

  i am left on my own.

  i feel like i belong to everyone and no one.

  i fit in everywhere and nowhere.

  everybody likes me but i’m nobody’s favourite.

  i know so many people – and i’m friends with so many people – yet i can’t even find a roommate.

  i mean, i guess i haven’t actually tried yet, but still.

  i feel like in toronto, i wouldn’t really have to.

  i’ve had a lot of drunkenly hysterical, tear-filled nights recently, which doesn’t happen back home.

  i guess this city just has a knack for making me feel lonely.

  January 17, 2013

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• i cannot write a blog post about this.

  it goes beyond all of that.

  these are things i can’t even articulate.

  i can’t even begin to understand.

  these are the worst parts.

  January 16, 2013

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• asdflkj.

  i’m so drunk

  and i still haven’t figured out all of my courses

  and i have no idea where i’m going to live next year.

  PANIC ATTACK PANIC ATTACK.

  ugh university is too hard.

  getmeoutofhere.

  January 15, 2013

  AHHHH

  ---

• 

  it is 4.50 am and i am still drunk and i have been listening to ke$ha all night and i honestly have no regrets.

  January 12, 2013

  me

  ---

• oh well.

  as i was trying to get to sleep, the best scenario played out in my head.

  it made me giddy for all of two seconds.

  then i realized it would also be the worst scenario.

  and now i understand why we would never work out.

  it would be absolutely, monumentally terrible.

  it would probably end with both of us hurt and in tears and with nobody to blame but each other and ourselves.

  eek.

  January 10, 2013

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• 

  tonight all my friends were so nice and so sweet.

  i love them all.

  but i ended up just how i envisioned myself, albeit mostly as a joke –

  watching a movie, crying by myself in my room.

  all of my friends are wonderful

  and i am insane.

  January 8, 2013

  me

  ---

• this sends off last year’s songs pretty well.

  2013, you’re up.

  songs:

  0:01 – Maroon 5 feat. Wiz Khalifa – “Payphone
  0:03- The Wanted – “Glad You Came”
  0:05 – Flo Rida – “Whistle”
  0:08- Maroon 5 feat. Wiz Khalifa – “Payphone
  0:10- The Wanted – “Glad You Came”
  0:12- Flo Rida – “Whistle” ~0:19
  0:20- Christina Aguilera – “Your Body” 
  0:24- Christina Aguilera – “Your Body”+ Usher – “Scream” +Ellie Goulding – “Lights”(0:27)
  0:35- Ellie Goulding – “Lights”
  0:39- Jennifer Lopez feat. Pitbull – “Dance Again” 
  0:42- Jennifer Lopez feat. Pitbull – “Dance Again” +Brown – “Don’t Wake Me Up
  0:47- LMFAO – “Sorry For Party Rocking”
  0:50 – Fun- “Some nights”
  0:57- Kelly Clarkson- “Stronger”
  1:04- Maroon 5 – “Payphone”
  1:05- Far East Movement feat. Justin Bieber – “Live My Life”
  1:11- Jessie J – “Domino”
  1:12- Jessie J – “Domino” + Calvin Harris feat. Ne-Yo – “Let’s Go”
  1:13- Calvin Harris feat. Ne-Yo – “Let’s Go” + Chris Brown – “Turn Up The Music”
  1:28 -Calvin Harris feat. Ne-Yo – “Let’s Go”
  1:32- Calvin Harris feat. Ne-Yo – “Let’s Go” + Maroon 5 – “One More Night”
  1:42- Jessie J – “Domino”
  1:44- Carly Rae Jepson – “Call Me Maybe”
  1:51- P!nk – “Blow Me (One Last Kiss)”
  1:58- Flo Rida feat. Sia – “Wild Ones”
  2:02- Calvin Harris feat. Ne-Yo – “Let’s Go
  2:03- Calvin Harris feat. Ne-Yo – “Let’s Go”+ Rita Ora – “How We Do (Party)”
  2:07- Jessie J – “Domino”
  2:13- “Let’s Go”
  2:13- Jessie J – “Domino” (+ “We are young”)
  2:29- Adele – “Set Fire To The Rain” (instr. We are young+ Brokenhearted)
  2:44- Katy Perry – “Part Of Me”
  3:00- Ne-Yo – “Let Me Love You “
  3:02- Demi Lovato – “Give Your Heart A Break”
  3:10- Katy Perry – “Part Of Me”
  3:16- Ne-Yo – “Let Me Love You “
  3:18- Demi Lovato – “Give Your Heart A Break”
  3:26- Katy Perry – “Part Of Me”
  3:33- Fun feat. Janelle Monáe – “We Are Young”
  3:42- “We Are Young”+Katy Perry – “Wide Awake” (3:44)+ Nelly Furtado- “Big Hoops (Bigger The Better)” (3:56-4:00)
  4:01- Justin Bieber – “Boyfriend” 😛 + Cher Lloyd – “Want U Back” (4:03)
  4:22- Owl City & Carly Rae Jepson – “Good Time”
  4:29- Nicky Minaj – “Starships”
  4:33- “Good Time”
  4:35- PSY- Gangnam Style!
  4:36- Alex Clare – “Too Close”
  4:40- Usher – “Climax”
  4:43- Justin Bieber feat. Big Sean – “As Long As You Love Me”
  4:44- Gangnam Style!
  4:48-“Good Time”
  4:51- Ke$ha – “Die Young”
  4:55- One Direction – “What Makes You Beautiful”
  4:58- “As Long As You Love Me”
  4:59- PSY- Gangnam Style
  5:03- “Good Time”
  5:07- Rihanna – “Diamonds” + PSY- Gangnam Style
  5:13- Nicky Minaj – “Pound The Alarm”
  5:14- Rihanna – “Where Have You Been”
  5:29- Gangnam Style!
  5:43- Adele – “Skyfall”
  5:46- David Guetta feat. Sia – “Titanium”
  6:15- One Direction – “Live While We’re Young”
  6:26- Will.I.Am feat. Eva Simons – “This is Love”
  6:28- Pitbull feat. Chris Brown – “International Love”
  6:30- David Guetta feat. Chris Brown & Lil Wayne – “I Can Only Imagine”
  6:33- Rihanna – “Where Have You Been”
  6:37- Swedish House Mafia – “Don’t You Worry Child”
  6:41- Gotye feat. Kimbra – “Somebody That I Used To Know”
  6:45- Enrique Iglesias feat. Sammy Adams – “Finally Found You”
  7:00- Zedd feat. Matthew Koma – “Spectrum”
  7:12-“Somebody That I Used To Know”
  7:15- Madonna feat. M.I.A. & Nicky Minaj – “Give Me All Your Luvin’”
  7:31-Good Time (instr. “Somebody that I used to know)

  Source: SoundCloud / DJ Andreecito

  January 5, 2013

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• “We are disadvantaged but young and virile. We walk the halls and the playground, and we are taller, we radiate. We are orphans. As orphans, we are celebrities. We are foreign exchange people from a place where there are still orphans. Russia? Romania? Somewhere raw and exotic. We are the bright new stars born of a screaming black hole, the nascent suns burst from the darkness, from the grasping void of space that folds and swallows – a darkness that would devour anyone not as strong as we. We are oddities, sideshows, talk show subjects. We capture everyone’s imagination. That’s why Matthew wants Beth and me dead in a plane crash. His parents are old, bald, square, wear glasses, are wooden and gray, are cardboard boxes, folded, closeted, dead to the world – We ate at their house actually, not long ago, accepting a neighborly invitation before Matthew’s plane crash comment. And we were bored to tears in their stillborn house, its wooden floors and bare walls – the daughter even played the piano for us, the father so haughtily proud of her, the poor bald guy. They owned no TV, there were no toys anywhere, the place was airless, a coffin -”

  ‘A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius’ by David Eggers

  January 2, 2013

  a heartbreaking work of staggering genius, david eggers

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• 2013.

  

  above: me, johann and elaha being completely sober and not at all under the influence of anything ever.

  new year’s eve started well enough.

  elaha and i worked the closing shift so i didn’t have time to go to the lcbo to get alcohol (i tried to go on my break but there was this terrible line to get in), which meant i’d have to settle for getting wine drunk off of some naked grape bought from the wine rack.

  at least i’d be classy.

  we headed over to johann’s party because i promised him we’d go and why not, right?

  it was hilarious.

  i haven’t been to a high school party in such an incredibly long time and it was like flashback after flashback after flashback and everyone looked twelve and i loved it.

  at one point elaha and i went down to the basement where johann’s sister’s tenth grade friends were all hanging out and they were all wasted and looking like they were about to make out and it was eerie but nostalgic but weird but reminiscent.

  and we just kept getting drunker and drunker.

  and then things got weird and i got really anxious because i realized i was going to be late for the midnight dinner with my family and for some reason (blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol) this had a profoundly saddening effect on me.

  i stormed out of johann’s house in an unfocused rage, stomped onto the subway and by the time midnight rolled along i was in tears for things i’d never usually cry about – especially in public.

  and then i got home and elaha eventually followed and she gave me cookies and we had dinner with my family.

  i promised nellie i’d come visit her later in the night and by the time elaha and i got there she had her head in a sink and eventually we all just started dancing.

  so my new year’s eve was spent feeling basically every emotion a human being can possibly feel.

  i went from joy to anger to sadness to love to hate – and there was laughter and tears and dancing and wine – and a couple of awkward mishaps involving unanticipated guests and strange phone calls.

  not sure if this is exactly the kind of precedence i want to set for the rest of 2013, but whatever, here’s to the new year.

  i’m gonna make it mine.

  January 2, 2013

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