dirty little whirlwind, i'm pinned to the heart of your swirl.
DISCLAIMER: this is a personal blog (i just want to write about my life 😭) and does not necessarily reflect the views, opinions or perspectives of my employer or church.
i went to buy some new boots at aldo (the sales associates were actually super friendly!) and on my way home this young man stopped me and asked me what i was listening to. i could tell he was one of those people who raise money on the streets, but i couldn’t tell which organization he worked for.
i stopped and told him i was listening to ‘ribs’ by lorde and he laughed and said he’d neve heard of the song.
then he presented me with a copy of the bhagavad gita and i got excited and told him my roommate already had a copy.
“yeah, he totally talks about krishnu all the time!”
and then he laughed and said “krishnu? there’s krishna and vishnu! you mixed them together!”
we both laughed and then he said,
“tell your roommate you met another monk today – ” he handed me a copy of ‘beyond birth and death,’ “ – and tell him he’s a lucky guy.”
i told him i would, took the book and walked away while thinking about the last thing he said to me.
did i just get hit on by a monk?
i mean, confidence is key i guess???
cleaned my room as part of my day of spiritual healing.
i was trapped in my own consciousness – a weird, parallel reality – and then something broke, and i was left feeling all at once ashamed, embarrassed and guilty.
when i break things and i don’t know how to fix them, i kind of just tune it all out – i distance myself.
i have to find some way to center myself again – to remember who i am.
i want to see things the way they were before, but at the same time, my eyes have been opened to things i needed to see.
the important thing to remember is nobody messed up.
if the purpose was to break me, or to make me feel alone, then good, you’ve done it. i don’t want anything to do with anyone here. i’m damn tired of this city and i’m tired of pretending there’s something for me here. good luck to all of you. i wish you all the best.
A soulmate is an ongoing connection with another individual that the soul picks up again in various times and places over lifetimes. We are attracted to another person at a soul level not because that person is our unique complement, but because by being with that individual, we are somehow provided with an impetus to become whole ourselves.
i’ve always had a disdain for stagnation. i don’t like it when things become too routine, or too predictable.
or maybe i just don’t like structure or inhibitions or being crushed under the weight of things so much heavier than the backpack pressing down on my shoulders.
back in toronto i had a job. i had a life outside of school and alcoholism. i had friends i felt comfortable enough with to turn to and spontaneously say ‘hey, do you want to do this with me?’ and they would always be up for it.
there was vivacity there – a kind of willingness to do – just do – without any hesitation.
here, everyone is so held back by schoolwork – and when it’s not schoolwork, it’s going out and getting drunk.
i get it. i’m feeling it too.
but i know there’s more to life than textbooks and booze.
i want to go on an adventure. i want to find cute coffee shops and little nooks and crannies to run away to when i’m feeling stifled and bogged down.
most of all, i want to experience things – i want to feel everything and meet everyone and hear all the stories and see all the sights. i want it all.
i want to really connect with people again. i’m not satisfied with the friends who are only friends at parties, or the friends i’ll have a passing conversation with and then completely forget.
i mean, i love all my friends here. but i know there’s so much untapped potential in these friendships. there’s so much potential to achieve something deeper – potential to have something with real meaning and weight.
everyone has so much to offer, but there are so many things in the way.
maybe i should start making more of an effort to get to know people – like, really get to know them. and this means i have to offer up parts of myself in return. i need to be more accessible – i need to offer substance, and so receive substance.
but this is easier said than done.
it takes a kind of willingness on both sides – a kind of secret, unspoken agreement to crack the first superficial layer of things and dig deeper. it takes a kind of comfort and trust – a kind of sizing each other up and saying ‘you might actually be a really cool person’ – a kind of mutual intrigue, a soft desire. and all of this must be conditioned by exposure and company – and the knowledge that everyone is a person of worth.
the effort’s always worth it. everyone is beautiful – and so full to the brim with joys and struggles – so many things to learn and to know and to share. we can all grow together.
i want to explore the city. i want to find something that will make this place feel like home. it’s been two years and a bit and i still feel like a foreigner. there must be something out there.
maybe home is a way of life – just a different way of life.
i want and i want and i want and who can blame me?
what i need is a shot of vitality.
or maybe i just need to join a club or something.
maybe i’m lonely.
maybe it’s just late.
nellie, noemie and i watched 12 years a slave yesterday (i cried twice) and then went to la distillerie to drink away the pain.
the waiter sat us next to these guys from martinique, and we became bffls even though only one of them knew how to speak decent english.
and then we left our new friends to head over to bdp and relive freshman year.
so i’ve been seeing this guy chris (pictured above) and he’s really cute and sweet and he buys me coffee (well, i mean he uses his starbucks points, but still).
he slept over friday night and he spent all day with me and luke yesterday.
literally all day. none of us left the apartment once. i didn’t get one glimpse of the outside world.
they played halo and gta5 (playing with cheats is actually like the most fun ever. also i like watching things explode and people dying in ridiculous ways, apparently), and then we started watching really weird youtube videos about paranormal activity.
this prompted us to watch the blair witch project. and then we ordered food. luke ordered from some middle eastern place i can never remember and chris and i ordered indian food from asha. it was delicious.
chris paid for it and we joked about how it technically counted as our first date, so luke was there for our first date.
fun fun for everyone!
we also ended up watching contagion and, for some wholly unjustifiable reason, jack reacher (‘jackoff reacharound’, the worst movie ever). like seriously, if you take that movie as a glimpse into tom cruise’s psyche, there can be no doubt that he is at least slightly homosexual. it’s basically written in the script.
the down time was nice though. it’s nice to take one day every once in a while and do absolutely nothing of consequence.
sadiq, elaha and yodit came to montreal last weekend for mine and nellie’s wine and cheese.
i always love it when my friends from toronto come to visit. they always just make me so happy. they bring with them thoughts of home, little comforts and ways of life.
we tried to go to distillery the night they arrived (friday), but there was a long, stagnant line, and we were all being obnoxious and sassy so we decided to go to a house party instead.
unfortunately, elaha found some pasta on the stove, proceeded to pour vinegar on it and ate a substantial amount. the host of the party later told us that the pasta had been left out on the stove for about three days, and elaha was ill the entire next day.
luke, yodit, sadiq and i went to eggspectations for breakfast on saturday at about 4pm. none of us ordered any eggs. we all opted for burgers. elaha was not present. she stayed at our apartment, incapacitated. apparently every time she ate anything, she almost immediately threw it up.
and then that night was our wine and cheese. i met nellie early to help set up and our visions came to life while we were decorating. her apartment was perfect for the shindig. the lighting was dim (candle light and a lamp draped in semi-transparent scarves) and balloons hung from the ceiling.
people started to arrive and everyone was dressed to the nines.
luke and yodit showed up without sadiq or elaha, which was kind of worrying. sadiq showed up later though, and elaha even later than that. she’d managed to drag herself out of bed, put on a suit and cab it just for the festivities. i was glad.
the party was fun. the cheese was a big hit and everyone looked classy and people were chit chatting and having a grand old time.
and then some old man came knocking on the door and threatened to call the popo.
but it was fun while it lasted!
my friend pukka let us know about an afterparty we could go to, so we brought our motley crew (me, yodit, elaha, sadiq, joffjoff, luke, clark and jared) right on over.
and then horrible, unspeakable things happened.
j/k, but let’s just say some of us (one of us) did some morally questionable things.
boys and their hormones, goodness me.
sadiq, elaha, yodit and i made it back to my apartment. elaha and yodit watched the strangers in luke’s room while sadiq and i fell asleep watching project runway and the face. the next morning we watched a couple of episodes of ‘barbie: life in the dreamhouse’ (which turned out to be maybe the best show ever) before they all packed up and left, leaving me sad and alone.
it was alright.
i distracted myself by doing some filming for tvmcgill. it was good. i’m no actor, but acting’s always fun.
