dirty little whirlwind, i'm pinned to the heart of your swirl.
DISCLAIMER: this is a personal blog (i just want to write about my life 😭) and does not necessarily reflect the views, opinions or perspectives of my employer or church.
jim took me to terroni for dinner tonight and it was nice to get to sit down and really talk to him and spend time with him.
i honestly really love hearing all of his stories – he’s led a remarkably colourful life.
then we went back to his place for some cake and he gave me the ring that was meant to be a christmas present but took longer than expected.
it’s covered in small diamonds and it’s absolutely stunning.
he’s left me a little token of himself, and i will cherish it.
nellie took me to the beyonce/her husband concert last night and omfg it was absolutely
her and jay z together are a force of nature.
the concert was so long and so good and i could. not. handle it.
and then we went to jack astor’s for some food. nellie had chicken fingers and i had a personal pizza. i didn’t think i was going to finish all of it in one sitting, but i did.
also, drunk bram saw us while he was walking home (or something) so he hopped over a fence to say hi.
so many chance encounters lately!
don’t overstay your welcomes.
if you think someone doesn’t want you around, consider it.
if you know someone doesn’t want you around, leave.
it’s common courtesy and shows some basic respect.
friends (especially) should respect each other.
elaha and yodit and i had a lovely little wine and cheese on yodit’s balcony.
it was v sleek and v chic and we got to talk about so many things and navigate life together and i ended up feeling very content with everything.
then we met up with sadiq at my place and headed to futures for chai lattes.
i love cute friend time!
i’ve still been feeling a little down and not completely myself recently – i guess it’s a kind of strange emotional hangover – but one of the things that i’ve found really cheers me up is looking to the future, which i know is so cheesy but also so hopeful!!
i see summer nights out with close friends, wandering the streets after drinking and dancing, basking in the freedom of it all and the glory of each other’s company, laughing in the darkness pierced with big city lights.
i see the golden haze of osheaga, holding chris’s hand and wading through the crowds, hearing my friends’ laughter drowning in live music, being drenched in familiar and unfamiliar sweat, soaking up all of the togetherness.
i see settling into my new apartment, seeing all my school friends for the first time since the beginning of summer, all of us giddy at the shining prospects that come with a brand new year, going out with everyone and reconnecting, making new friends, living in the same city as chris.
i see snow and cold but also the coziness of the christmas season, staying in bed and cuddling, sipping on hot chocolate, watching reality tv, and then going home to my family and being wrapped in the warmth of unconditional love.
i look towards the future, i see all of this, and smile.
we had a goodbye party for charissa last night at ballroom and it was really cute and bittersweet. also, the live music was actually pretty good (they performed mr. brightside at one point and everyone sang along and danced and it was so swell).
i bumped into a bunch of old friends from high school and i seem to like them a whole lot better now that we’ve all grown up a little.
sometimes i regret not making more of an effort to make good friends in high school (and i guess not making more of an effort to actually attend class in high school), but oh well.
we’ll miss you, chabitcha!
“Really he is singing for Zenia, not for Tony at all. He is deeply in love with Zenia; Zenia has told Tony this, and indeed it’s obvious. Zenia must feel the same way about West, because she praises him, she extols him, she strokes him with her eyes. He is such a gentle man, she’s told Tony during their coffee talks; so thoughtful, unlike most men, who are slobbering brutes. He values her for the right reasons. He worships her! She is very fortunate to have found such a sweet man. Of course he’s great in the sack as well.
The sack? thinks Tony. What is the sack? It takes her a minute. She has never been in the presence, before, of two people who are in love with each other. She feels like a stray child, ragged and cold, with her nose pressed to a lighted window. A toy-store window, a bakery window, with fancy cakes and decorated cookies. Poverty prevents her entrance. These things are for other people; nothing for her.”
The Robber Bride by Margaret Atwood
booboo and i had such a good, emotional chat last night and it feels like we cleared all the clouds, and even though we still have things to work on, we’re doing it together, and to me that’s something full of promise.
i have so much faith in us, and so much hope and i miss miss miss him and my heart is exploding because i love him so.
i was at work today and my thoughts kept wandering and i kept tearing up and people around me kept asking me if i was okay, and i kept saying ‘yes, i’m fine’ even though i was kind of breaking.
recent events have stirred up storms and i’ve been left full of doubt and darkness. there are cracks in my skin where the demons seep in and i don’t really know how to ward them off.
i was so sure about things and now i’m shaken – and to me, it was never a question of whether or not we’d be okay, but maybe it should’ve been. maybe i had a little too much faith.
i don’t think i’ve ever doubted myself – been so unsure of myself – this much in my whole life.
and it’s kind of exhausting trying to pick my worth out of my flaws – like digging for jewels in the mud.
so i am going back to meditation and writing and music and books – i am beginning a process of healing and renewal.
because it’s too hard and too heavy to always be on the verge of tears.
and because throughout this whole thing, i’ve somehow forgotten how to love myself.
i guess when you think someone might love you and he says he can’t remember why, you end up kind of forgetting too.
i get it – i fucked up in a lot of ways, and i’m sorry, and i’m going to try to never do it again, but i don’t know what else i can do – i don’t know what else i can offer and it’s exhausting to think that it might not be enough – that i might not be able to fix what ever it is i’ve broken.
it is draining to be so unsure.
all i know is i need to find some way of making it stop hurting, because i am wounded in ways i’ve never been before and this aching is destroying me.
i will surround myself with people who can see the good in me, so i can see it too.
i will remember that this is just a thing that happened – that everything passes and everything heals.
and i will build myself up to be stronger than i was before.
i will rise.
