i was talking to a friend from back home and it made me feel so loved and so important that now i feel like my life here is lacking.
i did science games with some of my close friends last weekend, and it was really fun and i had a great time. but nobody actually told me to sign up for it – nobody actually let me know it was happening. i just covertly found out they were doing it and signed up on my own, which is totally fine.
but now my friends have basically finalized this whole trip during reading week and i wasn’t invited. i guess they just didn’t think to put me in their plans. and i know there are only five seats in the car, but it still makes me feel disposable and unimportant.
exclusion is always a shitty feeling, but these are some of my closest friends here, and if they don’t got me then who does?
thankfully, i’ve actually reached a point where i don’t think much of any of it, but whenever this trip is brought up in conversation, there are these little pangs of hurt and it bums me out. i can see them getting so excited about it and a part of me wishes i could be getting excited right along with them.
but i guess i’ll just go back home to toronto where i can gather strength and love and be renewed again.
it’s just really shitty to think you’re part of a group – to think that you’ve found people who genuinely enjoy your company and want you around – and to have such a slap in the face as a reality check.
they’ve said, “oh you can come if you want, i’m sure we can figure something out,” but obviously i don’t want to come if i’m inconveniencing a bunch of people who might not even want me there. i feel like an afterthought.
the whole thing is just shitty and it makes me feel really lonely, which i haven’t felt in a while.
on the bright side, i have other beautiful, wonderful friends i can totally count on. also, i’ve been making some new friends and nurturing some new relationships, which is always exciting.
i guess i just have to adapt and change focus and stop expecting things from people because you can never really know where anybody stands.
EDIT: after a while, i’ve come to realize that i am more just mad than i am hurt, which is actually kind of nice. i guess i just didn’t realize that some of my friends can be super fucking insensitive sometimes, but it’s good to know.