ok we had to watch this in chem class
thE LAB PARTNER THOUGH I CAN’T BREATHE
~subtext~
Month: February 2015
-
-
PSA
my last few posts make me seem supremely miserable so just wanted to take this time to let everyone know that i love and am grateful for all of my friends and i’m actually loving life even if this blog doesn’t always reflect that.
i mean, shit happens and we all fall into bad moods sometimes, right?
i’ve actually been having a pretty fun semester so far (four day weekend, wuttup) and things are only looking up from here!!
-
necessities in muddled thoughts.
i’ve been doing so well recently. i’ve been attending and actively participating in all my classes, i’ve been going to the gym and i’ve generally been feeling pretty good about myself and about life in general.
but i forgot my charger at chris’s place, and on my way back, i stopped behind a huge pile of snow, stared at a construction site and silently cried for a little while.
i just felt so ugly and untouchable and even though i know i’m neither of those things, it was still really painful to feel that way again after so long.
and i started thinking about how nice it would be to be held by someone who wants to hold me, and to be touched by someone who wants to be touched in return – how nice it would be to be with someone who wants to share himself with me.
but deep down i know i don’t really need any of that at all – that i am fine and strong and beautiful on my own.
still, it would be kind of nice.
and then i started thinking about how i’ve been disappointed by so many people recently and how it’s so exhausting and how if i don’t want to be disappointed anymore, i should stop expecting anything from anyone, even if they’re the ones who set up the expectations.
and then i picked up my charger and got a coffee on my way home and by the time i was in my room i was feeling a lot better.
even though i’ve been feeling so strong on my own lately, i think i finally confronted a kind of loneliness that i’d been avoiding admitting or confronting for a long time, and now i can keep on keeping on.
and though i’ve let go time and time again, i think this time it’s different. i feel like i really do know better now and i think i finally see things as they are. i think i understand how to handle things.
i need a change of pace.
something’s gotta give,
and i am not afraid.
-
HOW WILL I DIE?
fucked by juggalos. end me
Oh
crushed by my family….
how very accurate
“crippled by living” sounds pretty accurate. all about that life life (until it kills me).
-
FKA TWIGS VOGUING AT WEBSTER HALL, GREATEST MOMENT IN MUSIC THIS WEEK
i can’t handle her.
(Source: tumblr_n9z3e5jzhx1qc7osl-2FKA TWIGS VOGUING AT WEBSTER HALL, GREATEST MOMENT IN MUSIC THIS WEEK
i can’t handle her.
)
-
but srsly i make out with girls all the time why is it such a big deal??
-
a snap from my trip to barbados (home of rihanna) during the winter break #tbt
did you go on an effing trip without me?? what is going on with the world lately???
-
new acronyms
smao- suffering my ass off
sol- suffering out loud
rofs- rolling on the floor sufferingcan we start using these??
-
little shitty feelings.
i was talking to a friend from back home and it made me feel so loved and so important that now i feel like my life here is lacking.
i did science games with some of my close friends last weekend, and it was really fun and i had a great time. but nobody actually told me to sign up for it – nobody actually let me know it was happening. i just covertly found out they were doing it and signed up on my own, which is totally fine.
but now my friends have basically finalized this whole trip during reading week and i wasn’t invited. i guess they just didn’t think to put me in their plans. and i know there are only five seats in the car, but it still makes me feel disposable and unimportant.
exclusion is always a shitty feeling, but these are some of my closest friends here, and if they don’t got me then who does?
thankfully, i’ve actually reached a point where i don’t think much of any of it, but whenever this trip is brought up in conversation, there are these little pangs of hurt and it bums me out. i can see them getting so excited about it and a part of me wishes i could be getting excited right along with them.
but i guess i’ll just go back home to toronto where i can gather strength and love and be renewed again.
it’s just really shitty to think you’re part of a group – to think that you’ve found people who genuinely enjoy your company and want you around – and to have such a slap in the face as a reality check.
they’ve said, “oh you can come if you want, i’m sure we can figure something out,” but obviously i don’t want to come if i’m inconveniencing a bunch of people who might not even want me there. i feel like an afterthought.
the whole thing is just shitty and it makes me feel really lonely, which i haven’t felt in a while.
on the bright side, i have other beautiful, wonderful friends i can totally count on. also, i’ve been making some new friends and nurturing some new relationships, which is always exciting.
i guess i just have to adapt and change focus and stop expecting things from people because you can never really know where anybody stands.
EDIT: after a while, i’ve come to realize that i am more just mad than i am hurt, which is actually kind of nice. i guess i just didn’t realize that some of my friends can be super fucking insensitive sometimes, but it’s good to know.
