today’s been a bit of a quiet day.
i woke up late after having gone out last night, and i realized i didn’t really have any food, so i packed up a few things and made my way over to my parents’ place.
it was pretty warm outside and i figured the walk would do me some good anyway.
i’m hoping winter ends soon so it will be fine to walk around in just heavy sweaters or light jackets. i’m kind of tired of the winter coat i found in my closet after losing my roots jacket (which i bought for $30 at a vallue village) at vertigo a few weeks ago. whenever i zip it up, it’s too tight and i feel like an overstuffed burrito trying to make its way through a frigid world.
anyway, i’ve spent the day alternating between sketching (on my new surface pro 6!!!) and napping (perhaps out of emotional exhaustion).
i’ve been feeling a bit contemplative over a couple of things recently, which spurred this excerpt from a journal entry i wrote a few days ago:
“I alternate between elation and heartache
and the push and pull can be exhausting. I’m left somewhat winded, looking at
myself in the mirror and wondering if this is how it’s always going to be – me,
stuck with my reflection, not knowing what to do.
It
feels like I’ve reached something of an impasse, with no way of moving forward
in a way that’s both satisfying and healthy. I wonder if I should just cut my
losses. I want to choose the path of love (but what kind of love?) over fear,
but it’s scary and hard. Deep down, I’ve always known this was the only outcome,
but I never really let myself truly believe it. I was never fully convinced.
There was always that naïve glimmer of optimism, that voice shouting into the
void filled with every uncertain thing and every harsh reality – that voice
always in the back of my mind, forcing itself to be heard, always chanting that
foolish mantra, “maybe, maybe…”"
sometimes it feels like i should be sadder on valentine’s day, and i’ll admit that some things had me feeling a litle bit lonely yesterday, but for the most part, i honestly feel pretty okay.
i think i have the love i need, and i’m grateful for it.
the things i wrote later in that same journal entry still ring true:
“I can see how impossible it is from here, but I guess the best I can do is try. I can focus on and be grateful for what I have, and understand that I’m on my own journey, and I’m going to be alright. Life will unfurl before me in strange and mysterious ways, and with enough faith and enough love, all things will work out the way they’re supposed to. Years will pass filled with laughter and tears – and happy accidents and serendipity and hopefully a lot of kismet – and at the end of it I will find myself settled and content in myself and the life I’ve chosen to make.”
here’s to hoping!