here are some excerpts from my first journal entry in almost a month:
“I haven’t written anyting in almost a month, and there’s not really any excuse for it since the city has been under lockdown for the last several weeks, so it’s not like I haven’t had the time. Every day I tell myself I’m going to write, and every day I end up sketching too long, or watching too many YouTube videos, or finding other ways of putting it off until it’s too late and I reason that it’s okay to just push it to the next day. “Tomorrow, for sure,” I think to myself, the doubt already a seed budding in the back of my mind because the habit has already made itself so clear.
I don’t know why, but I’ve felt a sort of paralysis when it comes to writing recently. I feel like the task is daunting and impossible, and I’m not sure if it’s because I feel like there’s too much to say, or not enough. It’s a weird time with this whole virus situation, and sometimes it feels like both are true at once – that a lot is going on, and at the same time, nothing is moving forward at all.
I have to start getting into the habit of writing every day again – exercising those muscles and reacquainting myself with the feeling of articulating my thoughts in some way that makes things more coherent and therefore more manageable. The beauty of writing is that it allows me to control those untamed thoughts constantly swirling in my head, but sometimes those thoughts seem so wild and feral – a whirlpool thrashing, everything spilling over – that it all seems impossible, and I’m left feeling exhausted before anything’s even began. But even now, as I write this, I feel lighter – like I’m doing something productive and necessary with all of those uncertain things – and I have to remember that this is what it feels like to write. It isn’t work, it’s a release, and a useful one.”
“I’ve been taking more time to think about things and relax, and I’ve been cooking and drawing and watching some shows I’ve been meaning to watch. Now all I have to do is start reading and writing regularly again. I feel like I should use this extra time to really sit down and come up with some serious ideas for a novel and really get the gears turning on that. I should probably take this as a rare opportunity to really devote some time I otherwise wouldn’t have to that endeavour. After all, if I’m ever going to take it seriously, it might as well be now.
But honestly, even though I know I should be using all this sudden spare time productively, it’s hard sometimes to not feel exhausted by everything going on – even though, on a more personal level, literally nothing is going on. I feel like there’s all of this collective social anxiety and unease floating in the air because everything is so uncertain in such unfamiliar ways. The pandemic has impacted every aspect of modern life, and we’re all trying to trudge forward in circumstances we’ve never experienced and were definitely not prepared for.
Most of the time I genuinely feel fine, but sometimes being stuck in the apartment by myself is suffocating, and it stifles all the creative energy I would normally be able to pour into my writing. Sketching is easier because it requires less mental work from me – all I’m doing is replicating something I see, either from a reference or from my own head, whereas with writing, I’m really trying to capture a feeling or an idea or an experience in a way that I would be satisfied rereading. To me, it requires a more concentrated effort and focus, and the outcome is less certain, and it’s usually so much easier to drown myself in inane Netflix content or harmless Kpop videos on YouTube.
Still, I know that there are things I want to say, even now while I’m stuck at home and everything is stagnant and the world is at a standstill. I’m going to try to make a habit of writing every day again, even if it’s something small and just for me.”