i woke up a bit late today, coming out of a very strange dream, and that was probably not a good set up for the rest of my day.
to be honest, i was in a pretty bad mood for most of the day, which was annoying, and also kind of unexpected considering i’ve had such a good past couple of days spending time outside and with family.
today i was battling a lot of self-doubt for some reason, and some feelings of aimlessness and disappointment in myself. it was actually pretty distracting while i was trying to work, and i have no idea where it was coming from.
it felt like i was trying to hold back tears all the time, and though the cloud would lift for a while and things would feel normal and okay, it would quickly come rushing back and i’d feel heavy all over again.
i hate it when this happens because even though i can recognize the senselessness of these feelings, i’m unable to rationalize my way out of them.
i think to myself, “there’s nothing wrong, i’m really totally fine, my life is actually pretty good right now, i’m happy, i’m happy, i’m happy,”
but the weight lingers, and it makes me wonder if there are deeper things that i’m trying to postpone dealing with, or if these are just things you can’t help but feel sometimes.
when these hard feelings come, all i can do is sit with them, feel sad for a while, and hope they pass sooner rather than later.
thankfully, it’s mostly over, even though i still feel a little displaced (kind of like when you wake up from an unexpected nap and you don’t know where you are or what time it is), and i can read in peace before going to be early, hopeful that tomorrow will be better.