dirty little whirlwind, i'm pinned to the heart of your swirl.
DISCLAIMER: this is a personal blog (i just want to write about my life 😭) and does not necessarily reflect the views, opinions or perspectives of my employer or church.
i feel the storm creeping in from the edges of the city, the grey clouds communing and gethering overhead, greeting each other like old friends.
the sky darkens and the last dregs of sunlight seem to seep out of my room.
i hear thunder rumbling somewhere in the distance, then sirens blaring somewhere to the east.
outside my window, everything is awash in cinderblock monotones – a sea of concrete and glass painted in steely, smoky greys.
the rain begins to fall, slowly at first, and then all of a sudden, quick whiplash droplets dashing to the ground.
soon there is the steady hum of rainfall, the static of it rising to consume every other city sound.
i look outside to see sheets of water pouring from a thirsty sky – it almost looks like fog. now the view outside my window is just a blank, the silhouettes of skysrapers struggling to peak through.
i feel like i keep repeating the same mistakes, even though i should really know better by now.
they say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result, but it’s just so easy to say “alright maybe this time things will be different.”
you have a trigger, and then it’s all downhill – down that slippery, slippery slope – from there.
for instance:
i keep waking up later than i should and thinking, “it’s okay, i’ll wake up earlier tomorrow.”
and i keep spending way too long watching inane youtube videos, even when i’ve told myself i’m going to start being careful about what i consume.
and i keep stumbling over bad habits i’m trying to break.
but it’s okay because these are all just opportunities to do better.
i feel like i’m walking fine lines a lot of the time, but i keep forgetting, and i always end up leaning too far one way or the other.
life is about balance, and you can only have balance when you’re aware of the way things are.
i lose sight of things easily, it’s true, but i’d like to think i know how to find my way again too.
my family and the significant others (luz + john) went camping at voyageur provincial park over the weekend to celebrate my mom’s 60th birthday (see my previous post for a photoset), and even though by the end of it we realized our family was decidedly not a family of camping people, it was still a fun time all around and it was really nice to have all of us together again.
the park itself was about 5 hours away. i showed up at my parents’ place at around 1:30PM on the friday because we were supposed to leave at 2:00PM, but in typical cundangan fashion we ended up leaving about 2 hours later at around 4:00PM, just in time to hit a bit of rush hour traffic on the way out of the city.
on these trips, the actual long drive over to wherever it is we’re going is often one of my favourite parts, because i love stopping at one of the on routes on the way, which we always do. it’s because i love transient, liminal spaces, like airports and hotel rooms. i love seeing people in environments that are temporary and foreign to them. i think there’s something quietly exciting about it.
my sister and john arrived at the camp grounds first, followed by othniel and luz (they were sharing a camp site, while the rest of our family shared one directly across from theirs, past a border of trees), so they were able to set up before we got there.
we ended up arriving at the campgrounds a little after 11PM and having to pitch our huge tent (which we’d borrowed from our family friends, who are a family of campers) in the dark, guided by the meager light of a few lanterns and headlamps. it was actually pretty easy getting it set up, considering how big and complicated it looks on the outside, and it would’ve taken no time at all in the daytime.
the camp ground itself was not what i was expecting. i was expecting us to be in the middle of nowhere, surrounded only by the quiet of the woods with no trace of civilization or any other people for miles around. accordingly, i told everyone that i’d really be roughing it that weekend, playing man vs nature in a losing battle and coming home beaten and weathered, but stronger and more resolute.
instead, there were other campsites only a few feet away in every direction, and we were actually pretty close to the bathrooms, which were surprisingly clean.
after pitching the tent, we made some instant noodles and stayed up for a while just chatting and planning the next day. i got to meet othniel and luz’s dog, bear, who was so cute and friendly and very well-behaved. his stoicism and patience actually reminded me of my brother, funnily enough. i wonder if it’s true what they say about dogs and their owners; that if they spend enough time together, they start resembling each other, like that one disney movie (see: lady and the tramp).
that first night was terrible for sleep for me and ophir. we lay awake in frustration for hours, until we started to see the light of day pouring through the mesh roof of the tent (which we’d left open so we could stargaze). we both decided get out and pull the covering over the mesh to at least simulate night, and then we spent at least 15 minutes killing all the mosquitoes that were buzzing around inside the tent (they kept buzzing directly into our ears, waking us up right before we were about to fall asleep).
i checked the time at one point and it was around 5:30AM, and we were both relieved because we’d thought it was already 7AM.
i ended up getting a little bit of sleep, but then waking up before everyone else in my tent to have breakfast with everyone who was already awake. my dad, who is an amazing cook, always makes such good food on these trips.
we spent the day at the beach near the campgrounds, tossing a water-logged football back on forth and playing monkey in the middle. my mom didn’t want to be exposed to such harsh sunlight so i ended up walking back to go get her and bring her to the water later.
my dad made a homemade boodle fight for dinner, and then we went to watch the sunset at the more public beach, where orpah and john had set up the surprise for my mom.
the surprise had been giving me anxiety all day because nobody seemed to remember the plan enough to stick to it and everything was pretty touch and go up until the point of execution.
we’d agreed to do the surprise at the beach at sunset after the boodle fight dinner, which we agreed we should have at 6:30 so we could leave for the beach latest at 8. but then after we got back from swimming at around 5PM, everyone kept talking about eating tacos as a snack and i could see my dad getting visibly irritated because he was worried we wouldn’t be hungry enough to appreciate the boodle fight if we had tacos as a snack so close to dinner time.
anyway, it all ended up working out (we ended up saving the tacos for a late snack instead), and my mom was really happy with our surprise.
orpah and john had gone ahead to the beach under the pretense of needing to visit the camp store to pick up some firewood, and we met up with them around half an hour later after they’d set up. we showed my mom a video of greetings from her whole family in the philippines (and all of us kids), presented her with our gifts (i painted a portrait of her), and then had her blow out her candles on her cake (which othniel had bought earlier that day after he and luz left the campsite to go help their friend move).
it was geting pretty dark so we headed back to our campsite to have the cake and just hang out before going to bed, and this time i had a way easier time getting to sleep, even though a pretty loud family had moved into a campsite just across from us.
we spent the next day packing and getting ready to leave and then we decided to go and visit my brother othniel’s new apartment in montreal before heading back to toronto, since montreal was already so close by.
his new apartment was much bigger and nicer than his old apartment, which is good because bear is a pretty big dog.
we decided to go see ophir’s new apartment too, since it was only a few blocks away, and on our way back, we went to get some chinese food, but there was a bunch of commotion in the area because of something that involved several very attractive firement and caution tape.
the restaurant we wanted to go to was within the perimeters of the caution tape, so we kind of just darted across the street to get to it and hoped no one would care.
omri and ophir went to get bubble tea while my mom and i waited for our food and othniel and luz stood outside trying to figure out what was happening (something about the restaurant next door having too much smoke?).
we brought everything back and had dinner at othniel’s new apartment before setting off for toronto.
i always love being back in montreal now, even if it’s only for a sliver of a moment. i always get a little pang of nostalgia for all the bygone moments of my academic youth – all those carefree late nights out surrounded by friends, and my inability to turn a corner without bumping into someone i knew. i will always remember those as freer times, when things felt a little less set in their ways and every possibility of the future was still at my fingertips.
but then again, who says things can’t be like that now? maybe i just need a little shift in perspective. after all, i’m still pretty young in the grand scheme of things.
anyway, we headed back home after dinner, stopping at a tim hortons at an on route on the way, and i ended up home in my apartment a little after midnight.
all in all, it was a good weekend, as it always is with my family. my mom said she’d felt like crying several times while watching the video we made her, but she stopped herself because the whole thing would’ve taken too long otherwise.
today is my mom’s 60th birthday and i just got home from having a dinner of spaghetti and meatballs with my family – a more subdued and lowkey celebration after the entire celebratory weekend we spent camping.
i have a bit of a migraine right now – a dull, throbbing ache expanding in some corner of my skull – so i’ll postpone posting all the photos and writing about it in detail until tomorrow.
suffice it to say that even though i’m covered in relentlessly itchy mosquito bites, it was worth it to have the whole family together again to do something special for my mom.
i took a nap at 8pm meaning to wake up at 9pm but i ended up sleeping until 10:30pm and now i don’t know what time i’ll be able to get to sleep and it’s making me a little bit anxious (but not too anxious since i only have to work a half day tomorrow since i’m being let go early to go camping with my fam).
but being wide awake right now at 12:35am on a thursday night is reminding me how much i love staying up late.
as a whole, my family is a family of night owls. while we were going through school, it wasn’t uncommon for us to go to sleep at 1am or later on weeknights.
in the summer, we sould sleep at around 4am. even now, when i stay over at my parents’ place on the weekends, i go to sleep at around 4am and my brothers go to sleep later.
in high school, when i would come home at around 3am after a night out, my mom would still be awake, typing away at her computer, and she would always ask me if i wanted a piece of toast or something, which was actually really comforting and wholesome and really took the edge off of the night and made me feel like i was okay.
it’s in my blood to be awake this late, and i feel happiest and most alive at night. i feel more expansive and freer, and more connected to what some would describe as metaphysical and creative energies.
i think that’s why i feel a bit stifled sometimes – because i’ve been trying to pigeonhole myself into fitting a standard 9-5 schedule when it kind of goes against my very nature, and i really haven’t properly adjusted even though it’s been a couple of years.
but this is my life now, and i’m just going to hope i can somehow turn into a morning person, which doesn’t seem too bad either.
it would be nice to wake up a little earlier than i’m supposed to and have some time to maybe write a little bit, have a leisurely coffee and set up my day.
wouldn’t that be something.
still, if i’m going to be awake right now i might as well enjoy it.
i redownloaded tinder about a couple of weeks ago, though i haven’t really been using it that much at all, and i’ve been talking to this guy for the past couple of days.
he asked if i wanted him to drop by and hang out for a bit on his way to his friend’s place and i said sure, so we met up outside my apartment and hung out at dundas square and talked for maybe half an hour or so.
it was actually a good time, and he seemed nice and sweet enough. he moved here last year from italy to study video game design at the toronto film school, and i’m always so impressed by people who’ve decided to uproot their whole lives, take a risk and move to a completely foreign place full of strangers.
but i forgot that i really don’t like dating from dating apps. there’s something about the inherent pretense of it that kind of puts me off, and i never end up enjoying myself enough to justify all the effort, even if all i did was put on some clothes and take the elevator downstairs. i just kind of hate how contrived it all feels, and i guess i have a hard time nurturing chemistry in forced situations.
i always end up thinking i would’ve been equally happy, if not happier, spending the time doing something on my own, which isn’t to say that i didn’t enjoy myself.
it’s just that i don’t really see a future with this guy – i didn’t really sense any sort of spark – and now if he’s interested, which he seems to be, i’m going to have to have that whole conversation, and i really do hope we can maybe be friends.
i guess i’m kind of old fashioned by wanting my next romance to happen spontaenously and organically, but i guess i also just haven’t happened to meet anyone i’m interested in from a dating app.
i think the issue is that i’m not actually pining for a relationship or anything. i’ve never been one of those people who feels like something’s missing when i don’t have a boyfriend. i genuinely feel like all of my needs are pretty fulfilled by what i have in my life right now.
but sometimes i feel like i should put myself out there, and who knows, maybe by some divine fluke i’ll come across something magical.
that’s always my thought process when i redownload these apps. but then i have one lukewarm experience and decide that the prospect of more mediocre or underwhelming encounters isn’t worth my time and energy, and then i decide to delete them again, which is what i’m going to do now.
i saw a meme once that said something along the lines of “if i’m meant to have a relationship, it will find me in my apartment,” and that’s truly where i’m at right now.
thankfully, i’ve always kind of loved being on my own.
this morning is grey and rainy, but there’s something so peaceful and calming about soft summer rain, so i don’t mind.
my hands still smell like red onion from the casserole i made yesterday, which required me to grate a whole red onion. i was clumsy and messy about it. i don’t know how to cook in a neat, organized way – i’m always jumping from one thing to another without any thought process driving the action.
i walked to tim horton’s to get breakfast and caught the scent of a cigarette from a man smoking sheltered in a doorwary and for some reason, it brought me back to my first year living in montreal. i used to smoke a lot back then, mostly because cigarettes were pretty ubiquitous for the most part and also because it was a really good way to meet people.
at any given point in the day, i could go to the lobby of my first year residence and almost always find at least one other person there smoking a cigarette.
i remember pulling an all-nighter with nellie once, and we kept taking cigarette breaks as an excuse to stop doing work for a bit.
that was a fun and stressful night, and i remember being delirious by the morning.
i don’t even remember what the assignment was about, but i remember the laughter and the cigarettes.
i’ve been reading this book called atomic habits by james clear, and it’s all about how to build better habits for yourself, and one of the ways to do this is to instead of focusing on desired outcomes, focus on the systems that allow those outcomes to manifest.
he also talks a lot about how any lasting habit change has to come with some sort of identity shift or something (e.g. instead of saying “oh, no thanks, i’m trying to quit smoking”, say “oh, no thanks, i’m not a smoker”), and how instead of focusing on what you want to achieve, you should focus on who you want to become. your habits shape your identity, and your identity shapes your habits in a crazy feedback loop that you can take advantage of if you recognize it properly.
anyway, this is all a convoluted way of saying that i want to start writing everyday again, even if it’s just a little bit at a time.
i have to get past the very limiting idea that i can only really write when relatively interesting things are happening to me, or when i go through some monumental emotional upheaval or something.
i have to really give credence to the fact that you can write about literally anything and everything. nothing is too small or too insignificant to be shaped by language.
it rained on and off pretty much all day today, and i appreciated the hushed and calm atmosphere that came with the grey skies.
i was working, so i wasn’t feeling particularly contemplative or introspective (which is how i usually want to feel on rainy days), but it was still nice to hear the rush of rainwater hitting the pavement. there’s something inherently meditative about that constant hum.
i’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to love a person recently, and how there are so many different ways to love. i just finished watching an episode of “the midnight gospel” where they kind of briefly discuss how in western society, we often limit our understanding of love to platonic and romantic, creating rigid definitions and borders around something that really can’t be so easily contained.
sometimes love is simply what happens when you try to make another person happy.
sometimes love is more.
and sometimes love has a habit of spilling over the lines.
i’ve been thinking a lot about distance and boundaries recently – about the potential necessity of these things, but also the futility of them. intimacy is sometimes a tricky thing for me to handle delicatlely and appropriately, and i often worry about getting too carried away.
but maybe i just need to have a little more faith in myself – give myself a little bit of credit.
my family is going camping for my mom’s 60th birthday this weekend and i have this romanticized picture in my head of me writing in my journal to the sounds of unadulturated nature all around – animals scurrying along in the distance, the water of a creek rushing by – a rare opportunity to maybe return to myself in the wilderness.
but i know even now that i probably won’t do any writing at all. i always bring my journal to these things but end up having too much fun with my family to spend any time on my own, which is fine.
