i spent the last couple of days doing barely anything except for eating, sleeping, reading, writing, browsing the internet, and watching movies with my family, and it’s been pretty great. it’s been relaxing and easy-going, floating in a constant state of almost-napping.
i kind of wish i’d spent more of my vacation doing this (this not-doing of other things) than playing video games for 10 hours a day. which is basically what i’ve been doing the rest of the time save for the few days my family spent at an air bnb in coburg.
today i journaled about choices, and how we’re so often split between competing and conflicting directions.
for example, on one hand you can have comfort and intimacy (but also ambiguity), and on the other you can have strength and independence (but also loneliness).
i think one of the trickiest things about living is trying to figure out how different people can fit into our lives. sometimes i think about relationships as a process of constant give and take – like things can only work out if what you receive from someone is enough to fill the space that’s been left behind by what you’ve given to them; the maintentance of some intangible balance and harmony.
we carve spaces out for people, and a lot of the time the difficulty comes in trying to decide the shapes and sizes of those spaces. relationships aren’t concrete things with definitive points and forms. they are ever-changing, day by day, shaped by and layered with their own constant choices.
it’s important to remember that just because someone might not love you back in the same way you love them doesn’t mean there isn’t any love there at all. love manifests in so many different ways and sometimes it’s hard to keep track of where you stand with people. it would be a shame to mix up not receiveing what you want from someone with not receiving anything period. there are so many forms of genuine and mutual care and intimacy that can exist between two people. i feel like we often try to simplify things into manageable conventions, losing sight of the complexity and nuance that so often exist.
this idea of give and take goes against what i want to believe about the world anyway; that it is better to be selfless and generous with love – to give as much as you can without worrying too much about what you’re getting back, as long as you make sure to take care of yourself too.
but what does it even mean to take care of yourself?
i think the important thing is to try and be as honest as you can with yourself (and others) about the situations and relationships you find yourself in. keep an honest sense of perspective, and trust that people are being honest with you too.
don’t overcomplicate, overthink, or read into things – boil them all down to their bare bone essentials – the facts of the matter – and see where you can go from there.
what is the reality of a situation?
what is truth in a relationship?
how honest about things are we, on average, as a species?
i wonder.