a couple of days ago, i was talking to my mom about the time i went to a party years ago and some girl i met read my palm and told my fortune.
“what did she say?” my mother asked
“i think she said i’d have a happy life but there’d be trouble near the end of it or something,” i said, unsure.
“i remember you telling me about it and i think it was better than that.”
i couldn’t exactly remember, but what i did remember was that i’d blogged about that night, so i scoured my archives and eventually found the post and it read,
“she said i would have a very long life – that there would be harsh troubles near the end of it but they would be resolved – and that i was fated to meet my one true love.”
which is a nice enough thought, i think!
but going through my archives made me wish i was blogging more regularly, or at all.
during my search, i got distracted by other posts in which i recounted stories from nights i’d since forgotten, and it was nice to remember them and think “oh, that happened!” and “oh, i can’t believe i forgot about that!”
like the night i made friends with a homeless man in montreal and convinced him not to get into a fight at a tim hortons – or everything i felt when i had a boyfriend – or the scathing letter i wrote about my friends when they planned a grad trip to new orleans without me, but also all of the wonderful things i wrote about those same friends.
it was fun to read about all of it, so now i’m going to try to pick this up again, even though last year was a wash and barely counts as time passing at all, and even though things often feel mundane and routine – content, but steady, and not at all like it was in school, when everything was new and bursting with fresh possibility.
there are still moments of joy and heartache and beauty that i think are worth putting down – that i will hopefully read about on here years from now, look back on and smile at – even the painful ones.
for instance, yesterday i went over to my sister’s place to watch a couple of episodes of midnight mass. we ripped on the dialogue for sounding too much like a play and ruining the immersion of the show, and afterwards, we both read the synopses for the remaining episodes – a habit we share that’s often annoying to others. she’d made dinner and it was delicious and john watched with us and sometimes laughed when it was supposed to be serious.
before i left, we sipped chai tea while she showed me her wedding photos, which were really cute. she got married this past august, and i want to remember that too. i want to remember the beauty of it, and the love, and the hilarious heat that got everyone sweating.
and the thunderstorm that almost hit us, but didn’t, and the stress of having to learn the songs for her procession and her walk down the aisle the night before i had to play them. and how my phone screen locked while she walked down the aisle, so i had to play from memory and simply pray it turned out okay, and how i miraculously didn’t make a single mistake at all.
and i want to remember how i got progressively tipsy as i mc’d the reception, and everyone telling me i was charming and doing a good job anyway. and my mom’s hilarious speech where she reminded everyone about how terribly long it took orpah to finally find someone. and my dad’s speech where he implied something about babies, but also said it would be okay if lou (my sister’s cat) was his only grandkid.
and i want to remember the trip my best friend made to toronto so he could attend the wedding with me, and how cute he was with my family, and how helpful. and the fun we had while he was in the city, even though i maybe overplanned and it might’ve been nice to just chill and do a little more more sightseeing (though i absolutely do not regret all the great food we ate).
and maybe i’ll want to remember how things are a bit distant right now, and why that is, and the lingering question of whether or not i made the right call, or if i once again made too much out of a small thing and ended up kind of ruining a good thing. but also how i’ve learned to be okay with it all.
and then, of course, i want to remember new relationships growing, nights out with friends, and the joy of getting to know people – all the warmth of getting closer. karaoke nights and bowling, “daddy night” at a bar, kissing an uncertain boy in a bathroom and inviting him home to just talk.
it turns out there are a lot of things that i want to remember, so i’m going to try to write them all down.