i’ve been steadily riding a wave of guilt over failing to commit to the things i want to practice. i don’t remember the last time i seriously wrote anything, and i don’t remember the last time i turned my tablet on, or opened my sketchbook.
and then, after so long apart, returning to these things always seems like such a daunting and herculean task. this cycle repeats over and over and over again. i’m certain i’ve written about this particular brand of disappointment in myself before.
i lay down excuses that keep me from action; it’s a busy week at work, or i’m going on vacation soon so i’ll just get back to it when i return, or maybe i’ve had a long video call with a friend so that becomes my evening activity for the day.
and then, when i finally dig my heels into the dirt and start back up again, i feel the familiar release. things start to flow and i remember that doing these small things makes me feel so much more myself.
i consider myself a happy – or at least a luckily content – person overall, but writing and drawing – making and creating things – shoot a different kind of life into the monotony of my every day, and i often regretfully forget that.
i’ve been committing to my fitness pretty strictly recently, so that’s been good, but i want to do more.
but what can i realistically commit to? what is going to last? how can i mentally make these things not seem like a chore? because they really don’t feel like a chore when i’m doing them. it’s just starting that’s always the toughest part.
maybe i can commit to being more aware – to trying to see the beauty in ordinary things, and writing it down. or taking a photo of something i think is pretty every day and drawing it out. i just have to remember that what i make doesn’t have to be good, or important, or particularly sublime. it just has to be done.
that might be a fun little practice. it might even make me appreciate things more.
i’m going to start carrying an observation notebook around with me everywhere i go. i have the perfect little one i bought in a stationery shop long ago, probably hoping to do this same exact thing.
let’s give it a go for all of may and see how it goes. one small piece of writing or one small little drawing every day. or maybe every couple of days.
i don’t want to get too ambitious, lest i fail and am once again paralyzed by my own disappointment in myself.
good luck to me!