a lot can happen in the span of a few weeks.
i meet a friend for drinks after watching what is now my favourite movie from recent years (everything everywhere all at once – i’ve already seen it twice, cried both times, and i’m seeing it again on tuesday). i haven’t eaten any dinner, and before meeting her, i’ve already had a couple of beers at eataly, where my friends and i went after the movie. the kitchen was closed so all they could feed us were pistachios while we sat.
my friend and i catch up over a few cocktails and then we go downstairs where we hear the faint thumping of music beyond a shadowy corridor. apparently there’s some underground club connected to the restaurant and a semi-famous dj from the uk is playing. we each pay $30 and walk inside, and honestly the music is pretty good.
we buy more rounds and get drunker, and we meet a couple of guys throughout the night. i don’t remember how the conversations start, but we end up letting one of them tag along when we head back to my friend’s condo for a night cap.
suffice it to say i fall back into bad habits and make a mistake – i let something start and then snowball, and it must be hours before we crash into the consequences because when i step out of the daze, it’s getting light outside and i know i owe someone an apology.
the next weekend, my friend and i meet for a walk along the waterfront and i take it as an opportunity to hash it out. i bring it up so we can unpack it, and by the end of the walk – by the time we find ourselves seated on a patio – everything is settled and i’m grateful we can put it all behind us – laugh it off as some semi-funny, semi-horrifying story we can maybe tell at parties in the not so distant future.
i buy her a beer for the trouble.
that night, a boy i’ve seen a couple of times asks me if i want a free ticket to go to a concert with him. but i’m tired, and the music isn’t really my jam, so i stay home to rest instead.
he ends up coming over after the concert, drenched in sweat, and we share a bottle of wine on my couch while he shows me a bunch of his favourite music vidoes. i lend him a shirt so he can feel drier.
his phone dies and he lives pretty far away, so he ends up sleeping over, but my apartment is so hot that we can only cuddle for a little while before shifting to opposite sides of the bed.
in the morning, he complains about a hangover and gets ready to leave while i stay in bed, hoping to catch a couple more hours of sleep before meeting my family at church.
throughout this week, i let myself fall into old traps that i really should know how to avoid by now. yet tonight, even after another set of blunders, there is a sense of renewal and hope.
i think i’m getting in my own way and setting myself up for failure. i convince myself that consequences aren’t of any concern, but deep down i know that everything has a price, and every action warrants a reaction.
desire is a thing i’m working through, and i’m hoping that i grow up soon and realize there’s more to life than short-lived fun.
the hope comes from the knowledge that if i’m getting in my own way, i can also get out of it. and what might life have to offer when i do? all i have to do is reach out and grasp it. let bygones be bygones, take it day by day, and watch the world open up before me.