A man texted me this morning after getting back from Stockholm asking if I wanted to hook up tonight. I immediately said yes and we made the plans, but then I thought about it more seriously, weighing the act and all its easy pleasures against a kind of nebulous and hazy feeling of hope and renewed control I have over my life.
I let these considerations stew and settle as I went out to grab some groceries, and as I was walking around, I felt so present in the world – more connected to things, more alive. I was content, like I had everything I needed to live with freedom and integrity, and I felt strong.
When I got home, after making and eating lunch, I texted him to apologize and let him know that I actually had (non-existent) dinner plans and would have to rain check (though I have no plans to pencil it back in).
I went for a run, and later, in the evening, I went to grab some snacks from the shop nearby. And again, the sky was clear, everything was crisp and breathing, people smiled at me and I smiled back. I was happy with my choices, and on the way back, while listening to Lorde’s “Man of the Year”, I saw the most beautiful sunset peaking over buildings and through trees. It seemed like some divine reassurance that life could be beautiful without constantly undoing myself.
I think I’m done with casual hookups for now. I’m learning how to let go of this need that’s been built into me, reinforced and fortified by a lifetime (so far) of messages and signals. I’m learning how to unlearn certain things and I’m excited for the freedom in that. I’m slowly growing out of needing these elements of chaos masked by pleasure.
I’m learning to let a lot of things go, and I’m starting to feel lighter.