above: the food at gurmani (georgian food), where everything was delicious.
today was our first church service since everything happened last tuesday, and naturally, when people asked me how my week was, i talked to them about it.
i shared my blog post with a friend who read it and spent a good portion of the rest of the service riled up and crying. apparently, he knows someone else who’s dealing with quite damaging, active homophobia enshrined in faith and doctrine, so it really hit close to home.
i’ve been slightly worried that i’m being overly dramatic about everything that happened last week, even though it was undoubtedly mishandled and i experienced real pain. i’m fortunate that my faith and sense of self and God’s love for me are robust enough that i’m able to bounce back quickly, kind of brush everything off and move on, but because of that i end up minimizing the problem to myself.
seeing my friend crying today (and our conversation that followed) really made me realize that no, this actually is a huge issue and people continue to suffer in real ways. i believe that regardless of whether or not you intend to do any harm (or realize the harm you’re doing), these non-affirming views inevitably, even if passively, lead to a culture of incredibly destructive and often silent shame, guilt and fear for those impacted by them, and to the breakdown of family, relationships, and a healthy sense of self. moreover, these views have historically been and are currently being used to fuel and legitimize more extreme, active and violent forms of homophobia, whether or not you agree with or condone this violence.
from my perspective, when you hold fast to these views, you are inevitably (even if unwittingly) contributing to the harm, degradation and dehumanization the lgbt+ community experiences, and i think then the honest question becomes whether adherence to this doctrine – to this particular brand of conversvative christianity when other theologically consistent approaches are available – is more important than the lives (the lived experiences of harm) of the people you’re hurting. i think we all need to start being real about this.
in lighter news, little L invited me out to lunch with her and her family after church and it was a wonderful time! we had georgian food at gurmani and everything was delicious. L even made me a nice wig (it was more like a head ornament) out of playdough(?) and the waitress said it looked great.
i’m really grateful i have these experiences of true church family, love and acceptance to act as a counterbalance to the lonelier experiences of being gay in the church. truthfully, it’s not easy. even now, with all of this going on, i have to stop myself from seriously considering the legitimacy of the non-affirming view, because it’s a slippery slope to once again hating myself and that is a dark place i refuse to go back to.
i’m sure people wonder why i choose to stay in the church, not to mention work for one, but my faith is real; I have seen God at work in my life and in the lives of those around me, and i want to love people the way that Jesus loves them (selflessly, with genuine care, mercy, forgiveness, compassion).
so i’m choosing to believe in the God who loves me, who neither rejects nor needs me to reject such a fundamental part of who i am to truly love and follow Him, and i’m so glad i’m surrounded by people who choose to believe in this God too.