i had a little bit of a breakdown at work today (thankfully, i was alone). a friend called and told me about how some people have been spinning what happened last tuesday, that maybe i was blowing everything out of proportion, that people were just trying to pray and be nice. i think, honestly, he was kidding for the most part, but we did seriously talk about how people are just trying to do what they think is right, and if they truly believe that sex outside of a heterosexual framework is not only not right but actually dangerous, they feel that the responsible thing to do is not accept or allow it.
i personally find this view incredibly self-righteous, judgmental and patronizing, as if you and your ilk are the only ones who truly know and understand God, and i think the people who hold this view have the privilege of being able to ignore all the outworkings of harm – all the little deaths and actual deaths – it causes. i just cannot understand how you can think you’re nurturing anyone’s spirit or sense of self or fullness of life by telling them the way they experience and express love is unnatural and wrong.
after the call, i went to go make an instant coffee, and while i was thinking of my own fractured experience of struggling with my sexuality while being around people who were only trying to do right by God and others, i said this out loud, to no one:
i just wish someone had told me i was good.
and, to my surprise (and utter horror), i broke down crying. i realized that i just wish someone around me – my pastor, my parents, any adult i looked up to in the church – had told me i was okay just the way i was. that i wasn’t bad or broken because of this. that the feelings i was having, the experience i was going through, were completely natural and fine, and not anything to be ashamed of. i genuinely believe it would’ve changed the trajectory of my life, and i would’ve been able to avoid some of the more destructive paths i eventually walked on. if i’d had the conditions to explore love and intimacy openly and safely, i think i would’ve been spared a lot of pain. but of course, nobody really had any idea what i was going through because i was too afraid to name it to anyone.
i realize now, with all of this going on, revisiting and confronting parts of my past in any meaningful way for the first time in a while, really trying to understand the potential consequences of what i went through and making connections i’ve never made before – i realize now that i internalized a deep sense of wrongness when i was young, and i’m not sure if i’ve completely worked my way out of it.
and so i said what the fuck and cried, mourning the kid i once was, the sense of innocence robbed, grieving the man i could’ve been without all the damage. and for the first time in a long time, i felt a deep sense of anger. because i was just a kid, and even writing this now, my eyes well up for that kid.
i like to think of myself as strong, as having risen above all of these things and moved on, but i think the reality is that i’ve been, for a long time, running away, always charging forward, too afraid to look back and dwell in the deep pain of loss. maybe this is some sort of reckoning, and maybe all of this is a personal blessing for me. maybe this is what had to happen for me to finally face the music.
i believe i can be strong and sure of myself, confident and free, but also tender to myself, finally willing to hold myself through the hard places. maybe one day i will write about it all, and maybe that will make me feel better, but for now, here’s a little prayer i wrote a little after i stopped crying:
Heavenly Father,
Thank you for being present with me through all of this. I feel a deep sense of sorrow and anger, for the boy I once was, for the wreckage of my young body. And though I feel a deep grief for the man I could’ve been, I am also so grateful for the man You’ve made me today. I lift all of my pain, my heartache and brokenness up to you, Lord. Please, somehow, work it all towards Your good. And thank You for drawing near to me, always, even when people tell me I am pulling away from You. Fill me with Your spirit, Lord. Give me peace and compassion, strength and courage, and make me brave enough to face what I need to face. Guide me through this and let me live freely in the fullness of the love and life you have for me.
In Jesus’s name,
Amen