dirty little whirlwind, i'm pinned to the heart of your swirl.
DISCLAIMER: this is a personal blog (i just want to write about my life 😭) and does not necessarily reflect the views, opinions or perspectives of my employer or church.
Month: January 2012
jasper took me on her flying carpet and together we touched the sky.
i’m still there, free-floating.
i’m watching videos that make me giggle and eating nacho flavoured doritos.
i’m supposed to be at class or working on an essay on the moral implications of abortion or something, but i’ll save that for the post-midnight hours.
for now i am going to lie here and laugh
and think about how if i had all the money i could ever want, i wouldn’t waste my time in school.
i’d be travelling everywhere, all the time, never spending more than one week in one place. i would carry only a few things with me – including a camera, a journal and a pen – and i would document everything.
i would experience everything the world has to offer.
i would let the people who want to change lives do so.
above: lucy, joff joff, anna and wusky sitting around at peel pub.
wine and cheese, house party, peel pub, home – that’s how the night went.
the wine and cheese was pretty successful. white christmas lights were scattered around the dimly lit room, the live jazz band played beautifully, we had an old school silent film playing in the background and there was enough wine and cheese to go around. people seemed to be enjoying themselves and the ambience was elegant and smooth.
jasper and i snuck off at one point and went to the ballroom to see what was going on. we’d observed a handful of really good-looking, french-speaking people heading down there and we wanted in on the beautiful, exotic action. turns out there was some quebec-wide university gathering going on for some club or something and a couple of guys invited us over to their table to watch the festivities.
some guy was stripping on stage – it was supposedly some sort of talent show? – and we were given a glass of wine by a very friendly man. it ended soon afterwards and then we went back to the wine and cheese to drink more and be sociable and whatnot. i always get really drunk at council events. free alcohol is always the way to go.
some of our friends from downstairs made it into our party, and it was all very scandalous and absurd, but they left and peace was restored to the rowdy room.
when the wine and cheese was over i dragged a few friends to come with me to a house party on peel to celebrate my friend pukka’s birthday.
it’s this section of the night that’s still a little blurry. i can’t remember half of the conversations i took part in, but i did see some old friends and i did meet a lot of new people – unfortunately, i can’t remember any of the new names. it was all just a mishmash of friendly greetings, hasty conversations and rowdy laughter.
i don’t know how it happened, but we somehow ended up deciding to leave the party and go to peel pub, where we would consume more alcohol and have more good times. so we chilled there for a bit and nellie showed up and it was all very relaxing after such a busy night.
they decided to go get some food before heading home, but i was not in the mood for whatever reason. i wanted to walk and feel the air and let the night sober me up, so i left them without a word and miraculously made it home on my own two feet. i have no idea how i managed to not get horrendously lost, but i’m grateful to whatever stars guided me that night.
i have a bad habit of ditching all my friends at the end of a night and opting to walk home on my own.
i think after a while i get too tired of everything and everyone.
i’m so used to walking in the dark of a late night, all on my lonesome.
it makes me feel at home.
maybe i just need the time to think, all by my drunken self.
i was only with you for a brief and fleeting night but i’ve already come up with a story for you –
– for why you prefer boys to men, and why you act in the carpe diem way you do.
you told me, as we lay under the covers – with my head on your chest and your eyes meeting mine – that you only started doing this a little over a year ago.
and so in my head you are a lost boy.
the way i see it, this is you trying to reclaim some sort of lost aspect of your youth.
that’s why you’re always looking for that boyish charm – that naive spirit of life that you thought you’d maybe find in me.
but you didn’t, did you?
i was just a means to an end.
my body made you feel young again.
or, you know, maybe we were both just really high and happened to be together.
above: me and a few friends out and about on a school night (we’re all little rebels like that).
“many a false step is made by standing still.”
too true, fortune, too true. which is why i’ve made it my ambition to move forward with this semester.
i left toronto the day after my birthday, after a night i can barely remember.
it was my first legal night out in the city i still call home. we drank at stephen’s (after drinking at courtney’s) and then went out to dance. i can’t remember the dancing part too well, but we somehow ended up at elaha’s place.
i took a little bit of a nap and then woke up to the news that an old friend was coming to visit me late in the night. so i put on my coat and walked out into the cold and into the arms of someone i guess i kind of missed.
and after a bit of talking – catching up, reminiscing, discussing summer plans – we parted ways and i went home and to sleep.
and the next day i was on a bus to montreal.
i’ve been out almost every night for the past week.
korova, belmont, bluedog, gerts, factory, bifteck, dieu du ciel –
we hit up all of our usual spots, and it was fun.
but i don’t want this semester to be the same.
i want to branch out – talk to strangers, make new friends.
and really – really – get to know the friends i’ve already made.
i want to get to know the city – visit old port, mont royal, old montreal.
i feel at home in toronto because i know it. it’s cradled me in the night. its air has soothed my pain and its ground has felt my tears. its streets have raised me.
montreal still feels like a stranger.
i’ve made it one of my goals to change that.
this semester will be different even if only because i will it to be.
i was complacent before:
i settled when people convinced me that drinking and dancing (and maybe the occasional hookup) were the only things worth doing around here – that these are the things that make life exciting.
a forgotten night becomes cause for celebration – blackout drunk warrants bragging.
somehow the experiences you can’t remember are the ones you’re supposed to value most.
but i know – as i’ve always known – that there is more than all of this somewhere out there – and it’s this evasive ‘more’ that i think i’m looking for.
a part of me is scared that i can’t find it on my own – that ‘more’ comes with another heart and all i can do is wait until the fates drop it into my lap.
but there’s no harm in looking.
i already know i won’t find it with a drunken hookup at a seedy bar.
i want to expand and discover and try new things.
“many a false step is made by standing still.”
i was in an elevator with a guy i always see walking around in res but have never said hello to.
so apparently the new year came with a new wave of insecurity that violently – relentlessly – thundered over and hit the rocky shore of my jagged psyche.
as i looked at little photos of people with different – not necessarily better – bodies, and at little snapshots of people who had found significant others, i started wondering why i wasn’t like them.
and i kept thinking about how with this new year came a new opportunity to improve what i’ve always resented in myself.
maybe, with enough effort, i could attain my dream bod, and have another heart to call my own. after all, how can anyone love me with the body i have now?
but then i remembered that i’m perfectly happy with who and what i am – and that other people shouldn’t define me, or the standards by which i live my life. i am myself, and that is enough to be happy.
and really, i’m not jealous of the people who already have other arms to hold them tight. i know that somewhere out there awaits a pair of arms just perfectly right for me – and these perfect arms will coil perfectly around my damn fine body and i will feel perfectly shaped to be held.
i mean, there are still a few things i have to work on, but i will work on them not because it’s a new year, but because it’s always good to grow and to improve.
you don’t have to wait for the page of a calendar to flip over to start trying to make your life a little bit better.
and life will get better, if you don’t lose faith.
i am happy with who i am, but at the same time, i know there is still so much to do and see and learn.
i am happy with who i am, knowing i am still growing and changing and evolving in beautiful, shimmering ways.
i will be better solely for myself, and not for anyone else. i will not try to one up everyone around me. i am my only competition.
i think that’s one of the problems we face today – we compare ourselves to other people with too much ferocity and lose sight of our own merits and value in the process.
we see everything everyone else has, and look in the mirror to find a reflection that’s not just different, but also lacking.
i like to think i know my own worth.
and so i realized that deep down, no – i am not insecure about my body at all.
above: me at the town crier on new year’s eve – don’t worry, it wasn’t as dismal as my facial expression makes it out to be.
and on another note, i have no idea why my face is so discoloured. perhaps i’d gotten into a drunk fight i just can’t remember.
oh well.
nellie and i were supposed to go to a ford mustang concert to celebrate new year’s eve, but we found out that it was a 21+ event and i couldn’t get my hands on a reliable id, so that plan ended up falling through.
however, i wanted this new year’s eve to be memorable, and i didn’t want to stand in the cold at nathan philips square once again, so i was determined to find something to do.
discussions were held and plans were made and soon we’d decided to go to the town crier and visit courtney later in the night.
but before that
i got some crepes on queen st. with elaha. she’d lost her debit card (once again) and it was a small, delicious ordeal.
and then we went back to my place to wait for nellie to arrive.
she was already tipsy by the time she found her way up the stairs and through my GIANT front door, the size of which she never fails to point out.
we equipped ourselves with our coats and a flask, and after making some arrangements with my parents we were out the door and making our way to john and adelaide, where the pub sat situated in the middle of toronto’s clubbing district – right by jack astors and the scotia bank theater.
the first thing i noticed when i walked into the pub was how professional coco looked behind the bar. she was all busy bee and whatnot, filling glasses with selected poisons and warm intoxicants (and maybe a couple of mixers here and there for the weaklings).
i decided to say hello to my dear friend as elaha and nellie found seats, and she made me a rum and coke.
i made my way to our table, and although the plan was to order all our drinks from coco because she wouldn’t card us, we had a server who carded us anyway and i was sent into a miniature panic as i was forced to play out my back up plan.
i handed him the health card my parents found that belonged to some asian man who looks nothing like me and he accepted it as valid proof of my age.
i couldn’t tell if he was racist or maybe just being nice.
i can’t wait until my birthday this saturday, past which point this whole id hassle will never be a problem in this province again.
there will be no more small panics or little worries resting at the back of my mind.
it’ll just be a wait in a line and the open night ahead.
we ordered our drinks and they came, and after a while a group of third and second year university students piled into the couple of tables beside us.
they immediately caught our eyes, being the only other people remotely close to our age within the immediate vicinity.
nellbot went into seductress mode and it was all smoldering glances and legs on the table from her.
however, it turns out they were mostly boring and lame – even if they were kind of cute – and we were stuck having to entertain them for the entirety of the night.
i’d gone outside for a smoke with elaha at one point (she kept dropping her cigarette like a biddy) and this british guy with a suitcase asked me if the bar was open. i said it was, and then he asked me if he could bring the suitcase in.
i did not own the bar; i did not know their luggage protocol.
but i said yes anyway and he and his friends went inside.
midnight snuck up on us. there was none of the counting down from ten business. we were too preoccupied with inebriated discussions with strange men to pay any attention to that. there were just the loud hollers and cheers that we joined in on as soon as we realized we had found unknowingly stumbled into the new year.
i checked my phone and it was exactly 12:00.
as i’d arranged with my parents, i headed home to eat our new year dinner, but i was already kind of tipsy so, like nellie earlier on in the evening, i’d stumbled up the stairs and through my GIANT door.
my whole family knew what was up, but it was alright because at least i was home.
and after the dinner, yodit came knocking round and asking to use the bathroom.
and then she joined me as i headed back to the pub.
i returned to a scene similar to the one i had left, only the group of stranger-men was smaller – the better half was left behind.
i introduced yodit to the crowd and soon we were back into the swing of drink and conversation and it was all very cozy and hazy and nice.
apparently nellie had almost gotten into a fight with one of the stranger-men.
his name was wes and his sister bre can apparently FUCK YOU UP because she’s some crazy skank or something.
whatever.
i went to the bathroom at one point and british luggage man from earlier walked in as i was washing my hands.
he told me that i shouldn’t be downstairs ‘where all the banter [was].’ instead, i should go upstairs to where the real party’s at.
he said i was missing out and that i should maybe find my way to him later on.
and i told him i’d make sure to let all my friends know, and that maybe we’d join him later.
we never did, and i never went upstairs, and now i kind of regret it.
maybe i should’ve been a little more adventurous and seen where it got me.
instead i went over to the bar and to a tired coco and asked for a gin and tonic.
we talked for a bit but she was a busy bee and had no time for my little shenanigans.
we left shortly afterwards and headed to frans for some late night chow.
it took a while to get seated, but we were next to some hilarious virginal black man named roger, his sister and his lady friend.
they provided the entertainment during our meal.
roger started to choke at one point and all his sister said was:
“don’t choke now, i ain’t gonna save yo ass. i’m just gonna be like, NIGGA DOOOOOOOWN.”
we all laughed.
courtney joined us later on and after we were all good and stuffed, we said our goodbyes and parted ways.
it was a pretty good night overall, and although it wasn’t necessarily a ford mustang concert, i had a wonderful time.
strangers always make everything better, unless they’re the scary kind with knives and a sick disposition for young flesh.
last year i spent new year’s eve at jp’s apartment getting high and watching the ring.
i think this year may have topped it a little bit.
good omens for 2012.
and i have my secret list of divine resolutions that i plan on fulfilling.
so here’s to the year ahead.
hopefully the world will still be mostly intact by the end of it.
