SHE LIKES IT.
Month: October 2010
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4:39 am.
it is cold in my room.
i put on a shirt – a ‘boxing week sale’ shirt from my sister’s bluenotes days – and wrap myself in my blanket hoping it keeps the warmth in.
a blanket instead of someone else’s arms.
something tells me i have other things on my mind besides homework.
“i would like to sleep with you.” VS “i would like to fall asleep with you.”
i choose the latter, thanks.
it’s when i’m alone that thoughts like these are most stubborn – most haunting.
it’s when i’m alone that i think of all those people who are not, and who are happy.
but i am happy too.
there is more to life than being wrapped in someone’s arms.
so much to live for – these daily miracles.
we survive against all odds. our bodies – these intricate machines of flesh, blood and bone – somehow they last, and some of us live on to see the next day.
right now, at this point in time, in this silence, i am grateful.
breathe in, breathe out – do you know how powerful you are?
do you know how much you’re capable of?
i reach out for the packs of cookies my mother left on my bed.
there is nothing special about tonight – there is darkness outside, like all other nights, the moon shines somewhere i can’t see, lost and broken people wander almost deserted streets – life goes on and on and on.
there is nothing special about tonight.
i take a photo anyway.
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from the sketchbook – 9.
“this is jean-luc pierre. he wears a beret and skinny jeans and converse. he drinks starbucks and spends his time pondering and contemplating life. his favourite hobby is pretending to know lots of obscure music while smoking cigarettes on the back porch with his friends. he likes the taste of danger and views life with [insouciance] and nonchalance. he sees the world through half-lidded eyes and wakes up every morning with a heavy-hearted sigh. and even though he is a god among his friends, jean-luc pierre is not happy.”
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His cold politeness, his ceremonious grace, were worse than anything.
“Persuasion” by Jane Austen
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of a strangeness in the heart.
there is something strange stirring in places i can’t see, and in this obscurity it grows and grows – heavy, suffocating; not a burden, but a weight that presses down on me wherever i go – like i’m moving through water, tired and slow.
it aches from somewhere in my chest – pulsates, almost, a life of its own – and stretches outwards, rooting itself in every part of my body, and more so, my mind, which it occupies mercilessly; relentlessly.
it sits at the back of every thought and although i am not consumed, i am agitated, and nothing i do can make it go away. i can feel it mocking me, and with every glimpse of happiness i catch – two lovers holding hands, a young girl’s head resting on a young boy’s shoulder – i feel it grow stronger; its laughter grows louder.
some might call this loneliness, but i don’t think i’m lonely.
i think i’m just selfish.
this dull, perpetual ache comes from a yearning. i seek something i can’t seem to find – something others seem to have so easily – and i think i’m tired of making an effort. i have certain ideas of what i want others to be; i expect too much of the people i love.
i guess i’ll hole myself up and absorb myself in books, escape to other worlds made of beautiful words and wholly kept promises, and one day, when fate is kind enough to offer me her graces, maybe what i’m looking for – whatever it may be – will somehow find me.
i’ll be patient.
i can wait.
after all, i have my whole life ahead of me.
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for kieran.
if this isn’t dedicated, i don’t know what is.
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fearfest, 2010.
above: a photo taken of my group of friends and i with one of the creatures (BLUE CLOWN, WHY ARE YOU SO SAD?)
so i went to fearfest yesterday at wonderland (did anybody else know it’s not owned by paramount anymore?) which was pretty fun.
justin met me at the go bus stop and we were the last ones to get on the bus, which, for some reason, felt like some sort of accomplishment. he told me about his loves and his life and we talked about people, school and anything else.
i was all too excited; it would be the first time i’ve been to fearfest and as a dedicated fan of anything horror-related, i was pretty much ecstatic. i was anticipating blood and fear and being chased around by people in masks who probably hated their jobs.
by the time the rollercoasters came into view, ominously looming past the slowly darkening horizon (the sky was on fire, the apocalypse is nigh), i was jumping in my seat and justin was laughing at me.
we met up with jess (his girlfriend) at the front gates and in a few minutes, we had our whole group together and were ready to venture off into the horror that awaited.
unfortunately, it wasn’t all that scary, like, at all. i guess the vast amount of gorror movies i watch has finally desensitized me. my level of enthusiasm gradually dropped throughout the night (this was probably also due to the amount of time we spent walking and looking for people rather then on rides or in mazes), and nobody chased me with knife or spilled blood on my shirt.
it was still fun, the asylum was creepy and jess, justin and i had funnel cake at some point in the night (after having been ditched and separated by the rest of the group), so it was okay.
justin and i had to stand on the go bus back, which was something of a pain, and after we parted ways and i was sitting in the subway, some creepy guy started talking to me and asked me if i wanted to go for a drink.
this caused me to leave the train about four stops early and wait for the next one.
i was too tired to care.
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from the sketchbook – 8.
“this is elaha. she stays in her bunkbed in a fort made of blankets and pillows in her room, which she never leaves because she is afraid of the rest of the world. she is beautiful, but her beauty is laid to waste as she never ventures into daylight. she is secretive and mysterious, and this, combined with her ethnic origin, cause[s] people to believe she’s a terrorist. this has fuel[l]ed her anger towards the world and further causes her to retreat into her fortress. she plans on getting revenge, when she is good and ready, by systematically seducing and breaking the hearts of all men on earth, leaving them shattered and useless, thus ending the human race.”
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FOUND MY OLD JOURNAL.
I’M ACTUALLY SO EXCITED.
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from the sketchbook – 7.
“this is amie. she is surrounded by beauty but she is not beautiful. she acts like she is a beautiful, delicate girl and dresses like she’s a stylish, beautiful girl, but she is not beautiful. it is beauty – to be able to show who she is and feel at home – that is her greatest wish. sometimes she feels as though she was born with the wrong face, in the wrong body, and all she can do is pretend she wasn’t. so she lives her life trying to ignore how she looks, hoping that everyone else does the same.”
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thanksgiving.
above: thanksgiving dinner with the fam.
woke up pretty early at yodit’s (wasn’t doing much sleeping anyways) but everyone else was asleep so i went out to the balcony and watched a man take out the garbage across the street and i kept thinking about how awfully capable he was. i started singing ‘hey soul sister’ followed by ‘your ex-lover is dead’ in quiet, hushed tones.
it was strangely liberating.
i went back inside and noah was awake so i asked him to make me noodles (my parents told me they’d teach me how to cook when i became tall enough to reach the stove – that was, like, 8 years ago) and we had pleasant conversations about video games and pro fighting (he wraps bandages around his hands and everything). the noodles were good and i was satisfied and noah went away, leaving me all alone to retreat back onto the mattress on the floor.
yodit woke up soon afterwards and then the other two woke up and we cleaned everything up, returning the mattresses to yodit’s room and migrating there so that her mom could have free reign over her domain (living room + kitchen).
funny story: yodit’s mom thinks elaha’s a ho.
elaha immediately claimed her spot lying down on the bed, and adrien immediately laid down beside her. i can’t remember what yodit and i did. i do remember having pancakes at one point and severely overeating. yodit’s mom has a kind habit of effectively forcing food down our throats. it’s a good thing i love food and she’s a good cook.
the afternoon was spent on the internet, watching ‘surf’s up’ and ‘ice age’ and intermittently sleeping in between. adrien started getting really pushy about something called stickam and summoned me off of the bed for what would turn out to be NOTHING.
he was still argumentative and i was still feisty so we clashed a whole ton. but it was alright. i don’t actually get irritated by him; i just like complaining. we have a healthy love/hate thing going on at the moment.
we were supposed to go get crepes later on, but those plans went down the drain as soon as i realized that adrien and elaha were pretty much immovable lumps of rock that would definitely not want to leave for hours; apparently they were really tired or something (i definitely didn’t keep them up).
we left at about 4 pm and elaha and i parted with adrien at sherbourne.
i’ll give adrien this: he does give a pretty good hug.
elaha and i both claimed to have piles and piles of homework, which is why we couldn’t get crepes, but as soon as we entered the train, we realized we couldn’t force ourselves to go home right away. it was ‘us’ time and we have this compulsive habit of staying out – just the two of us – for no good reason.
i guess it was the wayward souls shining through again or something.
we went to eatons (i was still in my pyjama’s because i really couldn’t be bothered to change), got some food at new york fries and chilled for a bit.
she allowed me to vent out all of my frustration and i listened to her boy problems.
i think we actually just really like complaining.
and then we headed home.
thanksgiving dinner was good, my book report got done and i feel like i can actually become a dedicated student soon.
life is looking up.
