dirty little whirlwind, i'm pinned to the heart of your swirl.
DISCLAIMER: this is a personal blog (i just want to write about my life 😭) and does not necessarily reflect the views, opinions or perspectives of my employer or church.
above: mackenzie (rummaging through her bag) and our gorgeously cheap bellinis.
it was our day off today and we decided to go for patio drinks at milestones.
the patio was full when we got there so we settled for being seated indoors and then switching once a table was free outside.
it wasn’t long before there was a vacancy, but by the time we were seated in the open air, the sky had turned to ominous shades of grey and greyer. rain seemed like an imminent doom and we only lasted one plate of calamari before we could feel slow and indolent drops starting to fall from the sky.
so we were moved, again, to the dimly-lit atrium, which was a somewhat secluded area of the restaurant. Apparently we’d been the first to be moved and we felt lonely for all of the two minutes it took for the other patio-dwellers to arrive.
later on, i heard one of the waiters tell the two elderly gentlemen beside us that the clouds had passed on and it was no longer raining.
throughout the night, i enjoyed three bellinis, she enjoyed four and we discussed life, love and work.
we’re both dealing with confusion in our love lives and the amount of thought we put into our respective situations is absolutely obscene.
but i’ve never been one for mind games, and i’ve always been one to overanalyze, so the frustration and everything else i feel becomes too much to keep bottled up when i’m with company.
talking about it – fleshing it out – always seems to make things just that much more bearable.
“"Dot,” he whispered uncomfortably, “you’ll forget. Things are sweeter when they’re lost. I know – because once I wanted something and got it. It was the only thing I ever wanted badly, Dot. And when I got it it turned to dust in my hands.”“
– "The Beautiful and the Damned” by F. Scott Fitzgerald
above: from left to right; mackenzie, shehan, yura, stephen, jesse and me as a mess on the floor of mackenzie’s apartment.
her roommate had moved away and taken the dining table with her so we were a circle of bodies and drinks on the floor for most of the pre.
mackenzie was gracious enough to let us use her apartment to predrink and by the time i got there after work, the drinks had already been poured and there was casual conversation floating around the room.
i’d already come up with a plan for the night, and the apple in my bag was an indication of this.
i was supposed to go to mackenzie’s pre, spend some time with the aberkids and then go to a friend’s house party, which required a fruit for entry.
but as always, nothing went according to plan.
throughout the course of the pre, mackenzie and shehan ate my apple and i got so drunk that i didn’t even realize what was happening when i was being led into a cab and taken to this is london, the club of choice for the night.
unfortunately, the bouncers decided i was too drunk to get in, even though i was entirely and convincingly stable according to yura and mackenzie.
i think they knew that my id was fake but didn’t want to cause a scene or anything, so used my apparent inebriation as an excuse to keep me out, which didn’t really bother me since i’d already had a lot of fun at the pre anyways.
my luck in terms of partying with the aberkids is wary.
i’ve noticed a recurring pattern in how likely it is for me to get into clubs.
when i’m alone or with one other person, there doesn’t really seem to be any problem, but when i’m with a group of friends, the bouncers get suspicious and don’t let me in.
it’s weird.
so i walked home because i couldn’t be bothered to trek all the way to the fruit party, and i kind of just laid down on the grass of my front lawn for a couple of hours, waiting to sober up.
i think i might’ve fallen asleep.
i entered my house after a couple of hours and watched an episode of the vampire diaries before going to bed.
when i woke up the next morning, there were scars on my elbow and my left ankle felt like it was sprained.
i took the whole night as a sign that i shouldn’t go out for the next little while, which is perfectly fine because i’ve been more inclined to sit home and watch the vampire diaries and read as of late.
i went to a friend’s house and borrowed four books, and i’m all too excited to read them.
the manager and elizabeth let me in tonight, so they’ve either forgiven me for my previous display of heinous insolence or forgotten me completely, and i’m perfectly fine either way.
i wasn’t even planning on going out tonight, but i received a summons from elaha and yodit, which interrupted my plans of watching multiple episodes of ‘the vampire diaries’ (NINA DOBREV, I WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND) and reading.
i met them in the bar, we danced a bit, went out to the patio to take a break and then danced some more.
i bumped into jonathan truong, which was nice, and just a point of clarification, I HONESTLY WASN’T DRUNK, no matter how much he accused me of being so.
elaha and yodit didn’t do much to defend my sobriety; in fact, they fully supported jonathan in his accusations.
i can handle more than one drink, thank you.
being out tonight made me realize that i’m changing again. i move through cycles and i’m entering a phase where i don’t really want to go out. the music and the flashing lights and the crowds and crowds of bodies pressed against each other to form one big, sweaty mess are starting to lose their appeal.
i’m getting tired.
i just want to spend time at home, lay in bed with a book, drink coffee and immerse myself in movies or trashy teen television.
i’m entering a phase of coziness, and of quiet nights.
and the time for the loud nights will approach again, and instead of with languor i will once again dance with enthusiasm, with the energy of a good – loud – beat coursing through my system.
but for now i want to rest and do things with friends that don’t involve getting drunk.
i think i’m searching for something to remind myself that i need more than a drunken night to be wholly satisfied.
i just want to be happy, and for now, happiness does not come in the form of a dance floor full of strangers.
maybe that’s just it.
maybe i’m just tired of the shallow nature of random hookups.
maybe i’m looking for something more.
don’t get me wrong, i still love dancing and going out and all that. it’s just that i’m starting to appreciate the quiet nights too. i used to get restless at home so easily, but i’m shaking that restlessness off. and i’m starting to feel like there’s something more that’s just out there and waiting. something better.
getting drunk and going out doesn’t have to be the highlight of my week.
above: bre and sivan being obnoxious at scotiabank theater, and kyle being uncooperative.
i finally went to watch super 8 with a couple of the aberkids.
SUPER 8 WAS SUPER GR8.
and then kyle left and bre, sivan and i decided to go to little italy to grab some chow.
the service was terrible and paying for the bill was one of the most confusing things i’ve had to endure in my entire life. what kind of restaurant can’t separate the orders on a bill?
and then i found out i was locked out of my house so i went to queen’s park to chill.
someone mistook me for a prostitute.
a car slowed down in front of me and some guy asked ‘which way’s the parking lot?’
this must’ve been some code i wasn’t catching on to because after i told him i didn’t know where it was, he went for the more forward approach and started listing amounts of money instead.
’$100.’ ‘what?’ ’$150’ ‘no.’
and then he made some noises and drove away.
i endured waiting around there for a little while longer because a friend of mine said he’d meet up with me.
but he didn’t show up because he’s unreliable and crazy and it got too creepy to stay, so i decided to wait for my parents on my front doorsteps.
from left to right: sahifa being pretty (as per), me with food in my mouth (…as per), AND SAHIFA WITH OUR WONDERFUL FRIEND SORAYA WHO WAS TOO BUSY BEING ASLEEP TO ATTEND THIS WELL-ANTICIPATED LUNCH.
so yes, a friend and i got lunch today.
we agreed to go to the hard rock cafe since neither of us had ever been there before.
it was a nice day so we decided to be seated outside, where all the passers-by could properly envy our carefree, wonderful lives.
as we studied the menu, i couldn’t help but notice how DAMN HIGH the prices were. and then sahifa regaled me with a story about how she once went into a really nice restaurant with a friend, and noticing how exceptionally and ridiculously unaffordable everything happened to be, fled after a good few minutes of studying the menu.
their waiter was very shaken.
they’d apologized and had claimed there was an emergency that needed their immediate attention.
we debated hopping the fence right then and there and just walking away, leaving nothing but two forgotten menus and a couple of dishevelled chairs in our wake, but indolence proved superior to frugality and in the end we just couldn’t be bothered.
so there we were, contemplating our prospective meals when HOT WAITER approached.
we both ordered the exact same thing (mushroom and swiss burger with a coca cola) and he made some joke about how it was embarrassing to order the same thing. apparently it’s akin to wearing the same dress at a party.
he’d leaned across the table towards me while i was telling him what i wanted. sahifa noticed this and we discussed later on. i pretty much died.
throughout the day he attended to my refills, played the guitar and kept making awkward eye contact with me. every time he walked away from our table, he’d turn around and smile.
i was SMITTEN.
AND THEN IT CAME TIME TO PAY AND EVERYTHING TURNED TO SHIT.
i didn’t have enough money for tip, so i decided, as a charming and apologetic joke, to leave my number instead.
i don’t think he got it.
the plan was to pay, leave the money in the little book thing that they put the bill in and just walk away unscathed.
but this being an event occurring in my life, nothing went according to plan.
let’s make one thing very clear: i’m a natural flirt. it’s just how i interact with people. if i’m talking to you and it sounds like i want to get in your pants (and you’re starting to want me in there ;] ) don’t be scared.
however, when i try to flirt, i become an awkward, jumbled mess.
i literally have no game.
i didn’t know where to put my number so sahifa had to teach me (behind the twenty, in front of the bill) and i was probably making a weird face as he took the little black books away.
i didn’t really know what to do when i found out sahifa was paying with her credit card and realized he’d have to come back.
after a while, he nonchalantly walked up to us with a smug smirk on his face and placed the little bill books back on the table.
we knew he’d opened my book and found no tip but a phone number in its place.
he took down sahifa’s credit card number and she signed something and then he went on his merry way.
sahifa was too scared to look into my black book so i had to do it.
turns out he’d circled the part of my bill that was all about ‘paying an 18-20% gratuity rate for quality service’ and i just about lost it.
SO RUDE.
WHAT A SLY LITTLE DISPLAY OF PASSIVE AGRESSION.
but my number was gone, so he must have taken it.
whaaaat a prick.
he definitely hates me for being so cheap, but IT’S NOT MY FAULT I’M A POOR EIGHTEEN-YEAR-OLD BOY SAVING UP FOR UNIVERSITY WITH A MINIMUM WAGE JOB.
if i ever eat there and see him again, i’m going to throw two toonies and a loonie at him and yell ‘THERE’S YOUR DAMN TIP.’
above: a collage of annie and i being sexy (as per ;]) at the beach.
we were all supposed to meet at 10:30 at yorkville, but i showed up twenty minutes late, as usual.
i found kjell first and then we met up with annie and her friend – who is now my new friend – katy.
introductions were hastily thrown about and soon we were all aboard the ttc and on our way to woodbine beach.
i think it’s safe to say that when annie and i are around each other, we kind of go a little bit crazy and this results in us being louder, more frivolous and less conscientious of all the people around as than usual.
in other words, we were entirely obnoxious.
as soon as we’d arrived at the beach and set foot on the sand, kjell took his speakers out of his backpack and we strode along that little dessert awash in loud music to announce our arrival. there was nobody there though, so our theatrics were a bit of a waste.
we found a nice, quiet spot by the water to lay down our towels and settle and i dipped my feet into the lake and discovered that it was too cold to swim, which was alright because i’d forgotten my swimsuit at home.
the rest of the day was spent lazing around, tanning, eating candy, dancing to the music and generally chilling. kjell’s friend josh joined us at one point, and then there weren’t enough towels (but we managed).
i love the beach. it’s always so relaxing.
at one point kjell went out into the water with me and i got my shorts wet. we were trying to see how far we could get without feeling like we were about to die. it wasn’t very far at all – as i recall, we started darting back towards the safe and dry sand as soon as the water hit our torsos.
as my shorts were too wet to comfortably wear, i decided to strip down to my underwear and let them dry.
nobody seemed to mind, which was good.
at one point we even had a small fire burning thanks to various pieces of cardboard and some used matches.
we spent about four hours just lying about and then we went to get lunch at pizza pizza, where we were attacked by a couple of demonic seagulls. i think one of them was marking its territory or something, but it was RUDE.
we all headed over to eatons afterwards and did a bit of shopping before parting ways.
i stayed with kjell since he was going in the direction of my house and we headed over to NOISE on queen west so he could buy another tanktop. i approved of his selection.
the employees there were also very friendly. i like friendly people.
and then we went to davd’s tea for some nice banana daiquiri iced tea.
we sat in the shade and i got extraordinarily cold, which was bizarre.
when i got home, i looked at my reflection in the bathroom mirror and realized that i’d probably stayed out in the sun longer than i should have.
my whole upper body was – and still kind of is – red, but nothing hurt so i’m hoping it all just settles into a nice tan by tomorrow.
the plan for tomorrow is to go to the beach with shannon and then explore some of toronto’s nature trails.
