dirty little whirlwind, i'm pinned to the heart of your swirl.
DISCLAIMER: this is a personal blog (i just want to write about my life 😭) and does not necessarily reflect the views, opinions or perspectives of my employer or church.
and everything in between.
i’m pretty sure i had a panic attack because my manipulative tendencies were starting to show again and i was just realizing how bad it was getting.
how is everything changing me?
i listened to a bunch of childhood songs and it had me reminiscing again.
sometimes i just want to go back – all the way back to when i was a good, little kid.
(more drunk musings from an open heart)
caught in everyone’s crossfire again.
at least we can all be civil(?)
whatever, i kind of like the heat.
my toilet seat’s somehow ended up broken in the last couple of months.
i’ve had so many people in my room that i’ll never know who the real culprit is.
all i know is that every time i sit on that toilet seat, i feel like i’m going to die, and i love it.
you gotta appreciate the little adrenaline rushes life happens to hand you.
above: me and laura being super excited for prom night.
we went to the first year formal on friday night. she was donned in a beautiful, floor-length white gown while i wore the usual dress shirt, skinny tie, dress shirt and dress shoes. i couldn’t find my suspenders and they were sorely missed.
we headed over to chuck’s place for pre-prom festivities (drinking and photos and the such) and then we headed to ARENA.
the event itself was alright. the place was only about half full, but the plan was to drink our lives away anyway, so it didn’t really matter. chuck passed out on a bench, laura and i danced and jan got jipped out of twelve bucks.
they tried to close the open bar half an hour early, but after they realized how much of an uprising that would cause, they relented.
bartenders can be such bitches sometimes.
i spent saturday night at a bar called sparrow. it turned out to be this super hip place for young adults (mid 20’s-ish). its sign doesn’t even say sparrow – it’s just a picture of a sparrow head carved into a slab of wood.
all of the friends i came with left after about five minutes because there were too many of them and they didn’t really match the clientele. apparently they were noticeably younger than the rest of the crowd and it seemed to be an unwanted anomaly.
however, i’d already walked that far (it’s all the way in the mile end) so i decided to stay, order a mojito (recommended to me by some man outside the bar) and make friends with strangers. i ended up sitting at this table with a bunch of people, handing out relationship advice and having a good time.
at one point, some man came up to me and told me i was beautiful and i wondered why i wasn’t surrounded by more people like him.
oh well.
i suffered from sleep paralysis on sunday morning. when i realized i couldn’t move, i started to hallucinate and everything got crazily eerie. i saw weird mist and dark tendrils coming out of my bathroom and i heard knocking on my door and the wailing of small children.
it was all quite frightening until i realized i could lucid dream in such a state.
i decided to fly out my window and over the sea, but the dream became unstable and i woke up.
after this bout with terror and euphoria, laura and i went to the eaton centre to pick up wusky’s present.
he recently received the title of sports editor for one of our school newspapers so we got him a customized mug that shows these two photos on either side:
he loved it.
the weather’s getting absurdly cold again and i think i’m getting sick. my nose is all stuffed and i feel insanely tired.
i’ve decided to hole myself up in my room, drink a lot of orange juice and watch some awful television in an effort to make myself better.
i really don’t want to be ill again.
THIS FUCKING ESSAY KILL ME NOW.
(just playin.)
i spent the afternoon sunsoaking with mimosas, music, a good book and good company.
we enjoyed it for a while – the heat and the light and the freshness of the passing breeze – but it wasn’t long before the thunderclouds came rolling in again.
good things never last very long.
i can already feel the seed of that familiar tree in the pit of my stomach.
the tree that will grow and spread its roots and sprout its branches and intertwine itself all along my insides.
look above at the overcast sky.
it seems there might be a storm coming.
montreal weather is ridiculously warm for this time of year.
so much so that laura, droe and i decided to go to rvc, get lunch and eat it on campus, basking in the glorious sun.
but the heat left us fatigued and so laura and i went back to res when droe had to go to class.
it was nice though, and campus is feeling alive again.
summer in march?
i’ll take it.
“this is a place where i don’t feel alone,
this is a place where i feel at home.”
above: from left to right; elaha, me, yodit.
these two have been at my arms for years and years – since they were in fourth grade and i was in fifth.
they have known me through so many stages of my life.
they are family.
when i heard that they were coming to visit this weekend, i felt a few weights lift from my heart.
these girls keep me grounded – they bring with them all the comforts of home and remind me of my roots.
i remember who i am with them.
and with them, i am free to be totally and completely myself.
i don’t have to hold myself back, or tone myself down, or make myself more – with them, i don’t feel as though i’m making any sort of impression.
they do not judge me the way i think others do.
they know me.
they know all of my quirks and merits and flaws.
they know of my incredible vanity and of my darkest insecurities.
and i know that they love me, and will continue to love me through everything.
we drank a lot this weekend.
we laughed and we danced and we explored.
and we fought and we worried and we sometimes got annoyed.
and after all of it, i know they’re still there.
my favourite moments of the trip, before any of the drinking or partying or going out, were moments of just lying on my bed, playing music at full blast, and just having them there beside me.
yodit might’ve been playing her strange doodle game, and elaha might’ve been surfing the web, but they were there and it wouldn’t be long until one of us started dancing and we were all writhing on the bed – arms waving, laughing at how ridiculous each of us looked, caught in a moment of child-like insouciance with not a single worry in the world.
they’re gone now, but i’ll keep the gift they brought me close to my heart so that my blood may pump and be enriched in it and run through my veins to spread the light.
they reminded me of how happy i can be.
they are two constants that let me know that after everything is said and done, it’ll all be alright.
all of my petty problems disappeared with their arrival because they came from a world where none of them really mattered.
my strange loneliness became irrelevant – it dematerialized – because they were there to love me –
because i know that i am important to them while they are important to me.
i don’t think anyone will ever really be able to understand the bond we share.
we may be going our separate ways – living out completely separate lives in worlds that are so far apart – but somehow we manage to stay together.
and even after months of not seeing each other, we can talk as if we’d never been apart.
there is a sense of comfort and relief in knowing that two of my pillars will always be standing.
and things are really looking up.
the weather’s getting so nice, my soulsister’s returned to me and two of my closest friends have managed to patch me up again.
right now, i’m really, really happy.
i feel wonderfully light and strangely invincible.
thank the good Lord –
i’d forgotten what this felt like for a while.
on st. patrick’s day, we shave our friends.
i finished my paper and i couldn’t sleep without finishing this short.
i made it using audio snippets from an interview i did a while ago and new video footage i filmed last night while i was on my really really long walk.
the question was:
“what do you do when you’re sad?”
two of my close friends have left me – one physically and the other, i don’t really know. all i know is that it doesn’t feel like she’s there anymore.
so i went for a really really long walk today – to cleanse myself, wash everything away in the fresh, newly warm air.
there’s been something sitting at the bottom of my being lately. i could feel it at the soles of my feet.
so i took a walk and weathered it away, on the pavement of montreal streets.
i found so many places where i can just sit and write and read, and get away from it all.
now that the weather permits it, that’s what i’ll be doing.
drifting away to all the spots i never even knew existed.
i turned my phone off and walked all around the city – to old montreal, to old port, to china town – and for a while i just let myself go.
i became someone new and nothing at all.
it was wonderful.
