thank goodness my friends are so cool.
Month: March 2012
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my fault.
i should’ve laid down next to you.
i should’ve nudged your sleeping figure until you awoke and told me things to make me sane again, or at least slip into insanity with me.
i should’ve trusted you to want to do that, and i should’ve trusted the promise of our bond.
you are my soulsister.
i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry.
that one was my bad.
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alright then.
there is a boy spontaneously throwing up in my bed.
he’s not even my guest but it’s my bed that suffers.
the very bed i sleep in every night.
i just got back from doing laundry – cleaning my sheets and pillow cases after they were covered in sick.
now he’s puked all over the duvet and my pajama pants, but i guess i’ll clean those when i wake up.
i’m too tired to do it now.
i’ve had enough of all this bullshit for one night.
i don’t know what i’ve done to deserve this, but it must’ve been something bad.
it seems i’m always dealing with the consequences of other people’s actions.
and the way that jasper and this boy are configured on my megabed, there’s no room for me.
it’s nice to know i can feel so fully comfortable in my own damn room – my safe haven.
time to go sleep in another bed.
good night (morning).
it’s a brand new day (hurray).
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things that went wrong tonight:
– someone spilled coffee in my room
– i gave away a bottle of wine
– we didn’t even end up going out
– a boy ended up repeatedly puking in my bed
– all of my sheets are ruined
– i’m running out of clean pillows
– my mattress is going to smell
– people left trash everywhere because apparently nobody knows what respect is anymore
– weird drama is plaguing my entire life (and none of it is even mine)
– it’s 6:34 am and i’m still not asleep, but there’s no room in my bed to sleep in
– if anyone thought i was in a bad mood before, they haven’t seen the worst of it yet
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just smile?
above: it’s fight the power in residence this week and we decided to show our support by creating a face via manipulation of the lights in our rooms.
isn’t it funny how it’s smiling?
the whole building’s smiling when i’m at the worst i’ve been in a long time.
maybe it’s the weather – or illness, or that fact the i’ve been too drunk too often as of late. maybe i’ve stopped taking care of myself.
whatever it is, i ended up crying – sobbing – in my bed on a tuesday night, but this was a long time coming.
all the lights were off because i didn’t want to see anything.
i just kept thinking and thinking and thinking
about how i put myself in all these strange positions
and how i’m dealing with things i shouldn’t have to deal with.
life is hard enough as it is.
by nature, i’m supposed to be oppressed.
and now there are other things i find myself fighting against – surges of cruelty and faithlessness and hatred towards everything.
i am angry at the injustices of the world – at the inherent unfairness of life – but this is an old story and a common affliction.
only two people witnessed the weakest i’ve been here, and that’s only because they basically broke into my room.
i’ve dug a hole deep inside myself where i put all the dark things – where i shovel all of my worst thoughts and insecurities.
i’m afraid they’re starting to spill over.
but i took deep breaths and touched the cold of the wall to keep myself from slipping. i gathered every good thing i could, and by the time the morning came, they were all i was holding on to.
once again, i have to be stronger than this.
once again, this is nothing i can’t handle.
in the end, this is nothing at all.
and once again, i don’t want to talk about it.
i don’t know how to.
it’s like trying to explain a colour.
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i’ve killed everything close to me.
deep down in my heart.
i feel like i’ve killed everything close to me.
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sometimes i get tired of being left behind
and sometimes i just have to get used to it
even when i’m in a deathly shitty mood.
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neither of us was in any way intoxicated at this point.
you know you’re having fun when you involve a reference to kafka’s metamorphosis.
(Source: tumblr_m0eregmwzt1qb907m_r1neither of us was in any way intoxicated at this point.
you know you’re having fun when you involve a reference to kafka’s metamorphosis.
)
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The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.
Albert Camus
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ew.
ew ew ew ew ew.
i’m so done.
gross.
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tales from mary jane – 2.
Your heartbeat makes me smile the way the thunder does – when we lay on your bed underneath the window
And the rain splatters against the glass with light tapping sounds
And all at once I imagine a storm and I feel so exposed and afraid and cold and wet
But I remember I am safe in your strong arms
With our legs tangled
And I feel warm and dry and safe again
As I press my ear against your chestAnd listen to your thunder heart.
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tales from mary jane – 1.
look above – look belowlowlow
deep down to where the kraken lies, and gently waves his arms toward the surface – a yearning in his eyes
deep deep down
down to where the kraken lies
a yearning in his eyesa procession of boats travels up above him.
kraken closes his eyes and imagines the way the sunlight hits them
– without having to filter through the miles and miles of seawater.sometimes it’s just darkness
and the weightlessness of the sea.
he spends these dark times waiting,
in tense anticipation
for even a single crack of sunlight
to find its waydeep deep down.
down to where the kraken lies
a yearning in his eyes.
