dirty little whirlwind, i'm pinned to the heart of your swirl.
DISCLAIMER: this is a personal blog (i just want to write about my life 😭) and does not necessarily reflect the views, opinions or perspectives of my employer or church.
we never actually specified a legitimate time to meet up, but i am terribly sorry i was ‘late.’ however, you had chapters to entertain you and i think it’s good that you got the chance to read (even if some irritating sales clerk happened to be following you around and you ended up being slightly interrogated).
we could’ve done without forever XXI; it was boring and you didn’t end up buying anything. however, h&m was fantastic, as usual. and all the free shit we got was just a plus; i am going to smell so clean.
the pasta we ate wasn’t that great; definitely not worth the $13 i paid for it. remember to never let me spend more than $8 on food when we hang out.
and it’s alright that our profound conversation somehow ended up being a miniature photo shoot (i demand to see those photos posted somewhere soon, by the way); we had coffee with us so at least we can say we were mature, even if we ended up spilling it (they will never know).
and i finally got around to listening to your message.
no, i do not feel guilty for keeping you out later than planned.
sitting here in this gym, my nose runs as my allergies act as a constant reminder that summer awaits me outside. finally, this hell-year is reaching its finale. it has been anticipated by many, just like LOST, sshh, don’t tell me how it ends. i want to ride it out until we are rescued from this island, known only by the elite as International Bacchelauriate.
i submitted my final philosophy paper, made arrangements with the fear-inducing ms. mccann and reluctantly served two hours of detention today. i spent the time alternating between reading ‘marabou stork nightmares,’ scribbling in my journal (the most secret and personal of my possessions) and banging my head on the desk. i changed out of my uniform and fell asleep half way through, and thankfully two hours seemed to whiz by like nothing.
soon i was out and about, making my way to mary’s with my headphones in my ears, a bounce in my step and freedom in my lungs.
i felt like i could breathe again.
it’s funny how even though i’ve finished all my exams, my school still finds ways of bringing me back.
i mean, i know it’s all my fault, but still, it’s a funny thing. i should’ve done my work ages ago; now it’s all just unwanted baggage.
this is admittedly not a very good start to my summer, but past june 30th, i’ll have nothing to worry about and i’ll actually be able to feel the full force of liberation. it’ll be the real start of my summer and this summer’s going to be amazing; worthy of remembering decades from now.
as of yet, i’ve only skimmed the surface; i’ve wilfully dipped my feet in the water and come june 30th, i’ll belly flop in.
we have plans for this summer; long, restless nights, open air and dreamy eyes; friends and foes and love and loss; we’ll feel it all and love it.
it is 5:20 am and i am sitting up, awake, having just finished reading the hours, bathed in the smoke of cinnamon incense, listening to morning birds chirp outside my window, wondering about life.
this book has made me question new things – or at least allowed me to rephrase old, lingering questions.
“We live our lives, do whatever we do, and then we sleep – it’s as simple and ordinary as that. A few jump out of windows or drown themselves or take pills; more die by accident; and most of us, the vast majority, are slowly devoured by some disease or, if we’re very fortunate, by time itself. There’s just this for consolation: an hour here or there when our lives seem, against all odds and expectations, to burst open and give us everything we’ve ever imagined, though everyone but children (and perhaps even they) knows these hours will inevitably be followed by others, far darker and more difficult. Still, we cherish the city, the morning; we hope, more than anything, for more.
i’ve recently taken to burning incense while reading – and by recently, i mean starting today.
i was out with mary when we came along a costume shop on yonge street and i found all these packs of incense – one for a dollar. i bought them in ‘cinnamon,’ ‘vanilla,’ and ‘black cherry.’
we also later went to the stag shop in the village (she needed white stockings…) where i found more incense with scents like ‘fresh rain,’ and ‘opium.’
my room now smells all mystic and wonderful and the scent is wafting out, spilling into the hallway to fill my whole house with magic.
oh exams; bane of my existence. i am so earnestly grateful i don’t have one tomorrow and my weekend can start now.
i’m pretty sure i failed math, but i ended up doing it more for me than anything else. i didn’t want the grade. i just wanted to see if i was capable of coming up with an answer.
unfortunately, the exam ended at around 4, so i was half an hour late meeting yodit; sufficient time for her to oggle at the passing boys at my school, i think. we bumped into my parents, who had been at the school to talk to mr. cowie, and they explained to me how the administration had decided to be extremely gracious and give me one last chance before they put anything on my permanent record.
met up with elaha after my parents left and we headed to cafe crepe for a bit of chow and to creep out the waiters, as per usual.
(on a side note, does anybody else feel incredibly cheap when ordering ‘just water’ as a drink of choice?)
headed to grange park to lay on the grass and soak up some well appreciated leisure time after that. well, elaha and i were on the grass; yodit refused to get her jumpsuit dirty and spent our period of rest sitting on a distant bench kicking pigeons and losing her shoe; cruelty and karma, from our standpoint, as we giggled and decided to move because our spot smelled like pee (the joys of public parks).
we went back to my house to pretty much laze on the couch, in a big pile of flesh, bones and limbs, sloth-like and exhausted from the stress of exams. we flipped through old photos on my camera while i made commentary in an annoying, painfully inaccurate accent, much to the amusement of the other two.
we need more lazy afternoons. thank God for the fast approach of summer.
after parting ways, i met up with john (only after retrieving my lost wallet from starbucks, of course) who took me to an exhibition opening at an art gallery i had never heard about. it had been newly renovated in a way that gave it an essence of careless rock and roll; brick wall, exposed piping, lightbulbs half covered in black paint.
the photographs that lined the walls caught my interest; something about old school punk icons and whatnot – blondie, for some reason, sticks out in my head. i met some pretty cool people (including evan biddell – i played it cool), had a few beers and got slightly – yet imperceptibly – tipsy before the end of the night.
once again, i had to run with the general assumption that i was older than i am to save myself from complete and total embarrassment (it’s a curious thing to be embarrassed by your own age and the implications of naivety that come with it).
i’m starting to lose track of my alleged career; journalistic photographer? freelance writer? what was it i was majoring in again?
john and i left after a good couple of hours and got a bite to eat before heading home. picking where to eat turned out to be a painful task; the two of us are more indecisive than anything else. eventually, mostly because we were too lazy to walk any further, we decided to stop at one of the food carts that line the streets of city hall and see what we could get. we ended up being pleasantly surprised by the quality of the food. it was decided that it had exceeded all expectations and we were suddenly glad that we hadn’t chosen to dine at some more well-established restaurant.
perhaps it was because of the alcohol, or maybe pure hunger, but at that precise moment, i wouldn’t have traded my poutine and hot dog for anything in the world.
my next exam is on monday and i don’t want to study. maybe i can make myself believe i actually want to learn french. i can pretend that i don’t take french class at all and maybe somehow that’ll make it tolerable?
she-demon: when you’re beautiful and intelligent, you get too bored too easily.
me: is that what’s happening to me?
she-demon: no. you’re just stupid.
me: oh…
